Thursday, December 18, 2008

Do extroverts really deliberately not talk to people (even when they have something to say) for the sole purpose of spiting them?

I've heard this sentiment many times; the most recent iteration come from today's Dear Prudence:

My husband has three children from his first marriage. Every year the three of them—now ages 16, 21, and 25—come to my mother's Christmas party and line up on the couch sullenly, grimly, and silently. This rudeness is extremely embarrassing to me in front of my other relatives. Worse, my husband is kind of powerless when it comes to his kids and tends to join them, silent, on the couch. I would just like to have them not come, because I don't think I can make them talk, but this thought distresses my mother no end. What do I do?


This lady seems to think that her stepchildren aren't talking for the sole purpose of spiting everyone else. This is odd to me, because it seems so bloody obvious to me that they're feeling shy and awkward and uncomfortable in the home of all these near-strangers (their stepmother's family of origin). They clearly just can't think of anything to say - or perhaps can't think of anything to say that's of sufficient interest and doesn't push any hot buttons. (For example, I know full well that people don't want to hear about the organic hair products I'm recently obsessed with, and the strange mistakes that came up in the text I was quality controlling don't make a good story to people without a solid grounding in comparative stylistics. And we can all think of that one person whom you just shouldn't get started on politics, so a whole wack of topics are right out if that person is there.)

However, this lady thinks they're doing it on purpose and out of spite. Therefore, it stands to reason that not talking even though she has something productive to say is something she might conceivabely do out of spite (because how else would it occur to her that this might be their motivation?)

Do extros actually do that? How egotistical is that train of thought - "I will deprive them of my wit and wisdom because what I have to say is so fucking special that it WILL be missed!" Do they never find themselves at a loss of what to say?

In the meantime, here's a helpful hint: whatever fascinating thing you think the non-talker has to say, they aren't aware that they have it or aren't aware that it might be of interest. So (assuming it isn't too personal) ask them about it!

6 comments:

laura k said...

"Do extros actually do that?"

Yes. And here's something that may seem even stranger to you. It hurts.

My father would periodically ignore one of us - we called it "giving us the silent treatment" - and it was pretty crushing.

It might be egotistical, but it's also a form of ostracizing. Bullying.

impudent strumpet said...

Really! We seem to have two solitudes here, because I would totally be "Good, he's finally STFU!"

Logistically, it looks like the problem is I might quiet because I can't think of anything to say, and other people think I'm bullying them. Not sure what to do about that. No matter how nefarious people might think my motives are, that's still not going to make me think of stuff to say.

laura k said...

"We seem to have two solitudes here, because I would totally be "Good, he's finally STFU!" "

When I was older, I was. Totally.

But when you're 8, and everyone in the family is doing stuff and being paid attention to, and you're left out, it sucks.

laura k said...

Oh and yeah, there's nothing you can do about people misunderstanding your motives.

But if you're often quiet, they're probably used to that. When someone is never quiet, and then is suddenly quiet to you, and only to you, it's different.

impudent strumpet said...

To an 8-year-old??? It's out of my jurisdiction to say so, but what a dickhead! Save the mind games for people who are old enough to grok the concept of mind games!

I think my 8-year-old self wouldn't have noticed if we were at home. I didn't mind doing my own thing alone in my room. It would have been problematic though if we were out so I was stuck with the rest of the family.

laura k said...

Oh yeah, major dickhead.