Books read in January 2024

 Reread:

1. Vendetta in Death

How to buy a gift for someone whose love language is gifts

From a recent Carolyn Hax chat:

My MIL’s love language is gifts. I have begged her to stop giving me/the kids so many presents - to no avail. To make matters worse (for me), when she asks what I want for Xmas/bdays/any other holiday, I tell her exactly what I want (size, color, brand, etc)….and have discovered she will then refuse to buy me what I really want “because then it’s not a surprise.” So I’m stuck with her riff on whatever it is that I truly wanted and end up with something that I didn’t ask for, want, or need.

Anyway. My question is: she REFUSES to tell me what she wants and then is hurt and sometimes offended when we are left buying gift cards. She is honestly impossible to buy for (you know the type) and every.single.year. my spouse and I are confounded by what to get her. I’ve tried everything to get her to understand that I will either have to buy her a book or just give her money/gift cards. She swears up and down, “it’s fine!!” and then is disappointed. I’m at a loss. We especially struggle because my “least” love language is gifts so I genuinely can’t even empathize.

Please help. Or give me the best idea for her.

I absolutely agree with Carolyn's response that OP's spouse should be doing the work.

But, in terms of what to get someone whose love language is gifts, think of it as giving them the experience of opening a gift. Don't worry about whether the item inside is practical for her or is something she will actually use. Give her something to unwrap, with some element of surprise, that you can impose some narrative of thoughtfulness on.

 

One way to do this is to go indie. Pick some quirky local shop that you walk past sometimes or that comes up when you google "unique gifts in [city]." Walk in, tell them "my mother-in-law is impossible to shop for. I need something unique that will surprise her." Buy whatever they point you to, have them wrap it if they do gift-wrapping, and as she unwraps it give her the narrative they gave you about what it is and why it's special.

Another way to do this is to get her a bunch of smaller things. Get something unique or indie from a category of products that she uses (e.g. if she drinks tea, get her a sampler from a local indie tea shop). Look in the fancy bath item aisle of the non-cheap drugstore and buy something in a fancy-looking package with something about stress-relieving or energizing on the label. Get some of her favourite candy, and some interesting candy that you've never heard of before. Wander through the dollar store and buy about half a dozen mildly interesting or funny things. If you pass a craft fair, grab the first pair of earrings that jumps out at you. If you pass a place that sells plush toys, look for a unique animal ("Look, it's a platypus! OMG, that's intrinsically hilarious!") 

Don't stress about any of this, just grab a bunch of small items that attract your attention, especially if they're mildly nifty or they tangentially remind you of her. If you have children, enlist them in your quest and buy random items on the basis that a small adorable child picked them out.

Wrap each item in colourful or shiny paper (doesn't have to be wrapped neatly or tightly - think "gift bag with decorative tissue paper" vibe) put them all in a shiny gift bag or perhaps a dollar store christmas stocking if it's a christmas gift, and, voila, gift experience!

 

MIL's refusal to stop giving gifts and insistence on not buying the precise thing you've asked for because then it wouldn't be a surprise show that the values the experiences of "gift" and "surprise" above actual practicality and utility. So this is your permission to disregard practicality and utility and simply focus on giving her something that looks exactly like "gift" and "surprise".