Sunday, February 28, 2010

Things They Should Invent: non-informative condom sizing

Apparently there are problems getting people to buy the right condom size, both because of a disinclination to buy condoms labeled anything that connotes smallness, and because of efforts made by manufacturers to counter this disinclination.

Solution: instead of sizes, give them meaningless qualitative descriptors. You know how beauty products (especially body washes, etc.) sometimes have names like "revitalize" and "rejuvenate" with vague descriptions that don't exactly mean anything, so you find yourself standing in the drugstore wondering whether you want a revitalizing cream scrub or a soothing clarifying exfoliator.

They should do the same thing with condom sizes. Give them qualitative names, all of which are equally manly-sounding, with no informative or linear characteristics. Have maybe eight or twelve different varieties, and make it known that they don't just vary by length, but also by girth and proportion and perhaps some other factors if they can think of some good ones. Therefore, it's not a matter of simply big or small, it's a matter of finding the right fit. You know how sometimes, IRL, a particular brand or style of condom just...doesn't fit right? Like the "elastic" isn't comfortable to the wearer or the reservoir is wonky or something? Leverage that and start advertising the importance of having the just right fit.

Now you're thinking "But then you'd have to buy all kinds of ill-fitting condoms to find the right one!" Solution (apart from the ubiquitous free samples): all places that sell condoms should sell condoms individually as well as in packages. (I'm honestly not sure whether they already do this or not - I've never been in the market for just one condom.) They could also have fitting instructions on their website, similar to the more advance bra-fitting instructions you sometimes see. For example, "If the elastic of the James Bond condom rides up, try the Chuck Norris condom."