When I was a kid, my parents often said to me "Life isn't fair," as though that's somehow reassuring.
Here's what I don't get, and I wish it was possible to have a frank and honest conversation with my parents to figure it out: If you don't think life is fair, why would you bring a child into life? As in, what redeeming qualities do you think life has to so counterbalance this inherent lack of fairness to the extent that it's worth making a specific effort to bring in more and innocent people?
5 comments:
Take that Mom and Dad!
I'd answer by saying I think we're good enough parents that we could raise you to be better than other kids because if life isn't fair someone has to be winning at it right? Never-mind, that's a horrible thing to say to a kid.
See, that's the thing, it isn't about "Take that, Mom and Dad!" (If it were, I'd tell them next time I don't like their political opinions.)
It's that I was thinking about what would be involved in raising a child, and it occurred to me that you'd really need to raise them in a context where the desired behaviour gets rewarded in the community as a whole, not just in the household. And I also found myself thinking recently about how I want to be good and do what I'm supposed to and have that be enough for life to work out okay, but if being good and doing what I'm supposed to isn't enough, then the world is just too scary.
So thinking about all this, I cannot imagine deliberately and intentionally and mindfully bringing a child into a world that isn't fair. So my parents (who were exceedingly deliberate and mindful in their family planning) must see some other positive thing about life that I don't that weighs out all this unfairness.
I would very much like to know what it is.
My dad would always add to the "life isn't fair" comment that "but it's fairer than the alternative." And, to me, that always made sense (because I'd rather be alive than not).
Do you think they thought it about it very much or just said it reflexively?
My mother has a huge repetoire of platitudes she throws at problems, and when I call her on them, it's clear she hasn't thought through the implications of what she's saying.
Could it be your parents said "Life's not fair" as a way to end discussion, kind of like "because I said so"?
Another thought is that people who want to have children, have them. They don't analyze the world and decide it's a good thing to do. Just like even if you thought life was fair, that wouldn't make you want to have children. The kind of life we want is often not based on rational, objective data - it's just what we want.
I'm thinking the decisional process of choosing not to do something is different from the process of choosing to do something.
For example, suppose French fries are available. If you don't want fries, you don't have any fries. Period, end of story. But if you do want fries, you have to justify it. "Can my diet afford the calories? Can my blood pressure afford the salt? Should I be spending money on fast food? Will they spoil my dinner? Should I eat something else instead?" and all the other things that make us something more than walking ids.
This is for making decisions about things that are optional and that we aren't required/obligated/duty-bound to do. I think it's the inverse for things that are mandatory or that we're supposed to do.
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