One thing I've noticed lately when enjoying my guilty pleasure of reading advice columns and online responses is that there are a lot of people out there who firmly, strongly, believe that if a couple lives together, then finds that they aren't very compatible cohabitation-wise, then their relationship is automatically over. They just cannot wrap their brains around the possibility of a couple saying "Well, looks like we aren't good at sharing a home, but we still love each other and that isn't going to change."
I know that sharing a home is the established norm, and I certainly do see the benefits of pooling your talents and resources, but I don't think it's the unconditional, no-exceptions, sine qua non of each and every relationship. I know that ceasing to live together is generally part of a breakup, but I don't think it must necessarily cause a breakup. I know a couple who tried living together and found that they couldn't, but they're still together romantically (they were well into their 50s when they met and both very set in their ways). I know several other couples who preemptively came to the realization that they can't live together, so they happily continue their relationship from separate apartments. While I can see how it could be a deal-breaker for some people, it shouldn't have to be a dealbreaker for each and every couple in the world. But it seems that many people just cannot or will not accept this.
Most people can comprehend the idea of a happy, successful romance between two people of different religions, or two people with vastly different political opinions, or two people who work opposite shifts, or two (or more) people who are consensually non-monogamous. Even if you could never do it yourself, you can say "Yeah, it's not for me, but I can see how other people could make it work." But so many people seem to have such a hard time imagining even the possibility of a relationship working from separate households.
2 comments:
Very good post!
"Most people can comprehend the idea of a happy, successful romance between . . . two (or more) people who are consensually non-monogamous."
I don't find this to be the case. I find that most people have little or no imaginations when it comes to relationships - that they can't wrap their heads around anything outside the norm. Polyamory (non-monogamy) would be the ultimate example. But even not being legally married, or not having children.
But yes, the concept of separate households does make people's little heads explode. :)
I find there are two kinds of people: those who can't imagine how you could be unopposed to something you wouldn't do yourself (e.g. "What are you supporting same-sex marriage for? You're not gay!") and those who can say "Well, I'd never do it myself, but I have no objection if other people do it."
The first group is still stuck on the fact that I cooed at a cute baby while waiting in line to buy my birth control pills so they won't be along for a while, but I find the second group can eventually comprehend non-monogamous relationships, although it does take a few tries as it's the sort of thing to which people (myself included) are inclined to react more viscerally.
The idea of living apart should be exponentially easier though, since most relationships do start with the couple living apart.
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