I recently moved into a house that is shared by five people. Four of the housemates have been friends for years and have lived together for three. I am the newcomer. I'm usually very shy, but I made an effort to come out of my shell and be involved in the goings on in the house. My efforts to be friendly weren't exactly rebuffed, but they weren't received all that warmly either. For the past few months, I've withdrawn more and more, and feel increasingly isolated from the people I live with, to the point that I find it uncomfortable to be in my own home. My shyness has been an obstacle my whole life, and I don't want to let it rule me any more. Any suggestions on how to reintegrate myself into the house?
I think there are really two questions here: "How can I make friends?" (which David Eddie answered) and "How can I make friends with specific people?" (which the LW was really asking).
The older I get, the more I agree that unapologetically being yourself is an effective way to make friends, because it screens out incompatible people. If you're irritated by the way I play with my hair or how I glom onto words where the presence or absence of a hyphen switches meaning (resign vs. re-sign, for example) or the way I forget to ask how your day was half the time, it's better that we aren't friends.
But LW wants to make friends with these particular housemates, because they live with them. It is possible that their whole and unapologetic self might not be as compatible with the housemates, like how you sometimes have to bite your tongue to get along in family or the workplace or other contexts where a bunch of people a thrust together rather than choosing each other. Unfortunately, LW wants more than to just get along, they want to be actual friends, and I don't know how to make that happen. It's a skill I've never managed to develop.
Carolyn Hax:
I am the only child of my father's current wife, and have much older half-siblings. When I was little, one sister was very sweet to me; over the years, though, as her relationship with our father had ups and downs, she would stop speaking to him and therefore to me. The first time was when I was 7, and I didn't hear from her for five years.
It has happened periodically since. She has ignored most of the major milestones in my life, and excluded me from hers while not doing so with the rest of our siblings.
When I asked why, she told me she could not separate her feelings about our father from her feelings toward me.
I am expecting my first child and am yet again disappointed by my sister's lack of acknowledgment. I would like to protect my child from her alternating warmth and hurtful indifference. Would it be inappropriate to keep her out of his life?
I feel so sorry for this LW, because while she truly (and understandably) does feel like she and the half-sister are siblings and wants her idea of what constitutes sisterly love from her, the half-sister (understandably) doesn't view LW as much more than some random relative you see when you're getting together with your family.
Let's start with the half-sister's point of view. It sounds from the letter like she never lived with their father during LW's life, she just saw LW when she visited her father. When LW was born, half-sister (hereinafter "HS") saw her as a cute little baby whom she saw when she was visiting her father. Then as LW got older, HS saw her as a small child whom she saw when she was visiting her father. If we assume HS is 10 years older than LW (and it sounds like it could be much more), then it would never have occurred to HS to develop a separate relationship with LW, because LW was just too young for it to have any substance. Would it ever occur to you, either currently or when you were in your late teens, to develop a substantive relationship with a six-year-old? Probably not. You'd be perfectly nice to them, play with them and talk to them when you're in their presence, maybe buy them a birthday gift so you have an excuse to shop for toys, but you're just in different worlds and you'd just see them when you see their parents.
On top of all this, it also sounds like HS has full siblings who grew up in the same household as her. If you've lived with your siblings, that is, for better or for worse, what defines the sibling relationship - having shared space, fought over the last piece of cake, tried to kick each other out of the bathroom, messed with each other's Barbies, puked on each other during long family road trips. Someone whom you only see occasionally simply isn't going to feel as much like a sibling. Without that sense of constant competition, they're going to feel more like a cousin, or, if the age difference is significant, like some relative's kid. As cruel as it sounds to say, their relationship simply isn't personal.
Meanwhile, LW only has these much-older half-siblings, so to her that's what a sister is. These half-siblings are all the siblings she has, they've been her siblings her whole life, and to her the relationship is very personal. Perhaps HS was around more in the early years of LW's life because when you're younger (a student or recently launched young adult, for example) you spend more time in parental households then drift away as you get older.
This is so sad because it's really nobody's fault. HS's actions and feelings are perfectly natural and understandable from her point of view, and LW's feelings are perfectly natural and understandable from her point of view. It would never occur to HS that LW might see her as such a big part of her life, and it would never occur to LW that HS could see her as not particularly relevant but it is in no way intended as a dis. HS is the only sister LW has ever known, but HS doesn't see LW as a sister for reasons completely beyond LW's control and that no way reflect either person's worth.
And, once again, it comes down to someone wanting to make another specific person like them.
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