Things They Should Invent: Phonetymology

Given that phonetics is pronunciation and etymology is word origins, we need a field of linguistics called Phonetymology, which will study pronunciation origins.

Why do we need this? Because of the word lieutenant.

In the States, they pronounce lieutenant reasonably. But everywhere else, it's pronounced in English as "leftenant."

BUT WHY?????

The only way I could see getting from the letter U to the F sound is if you considered a U and a V to be the same thing (like carved letters on old architecture from I forget what that architectural era is called but I'm inclined to say Romantic), and then pronounced the V in German. Despite the fact that the word origin is clearly French. But that would be weird, because the preceding vowel sound isn't German (if it were, it would be a long EEEEEE). And the "leftenant" also disregards the I for some reason.

So how did they establish this? "Okay, pronounce the first letter normally, ignore the second letter, pronounce the third letter as though the surrounding vowels weren't there, disingenuously misread the fourth letter as though it were carved into a historic stone sign and then pronounce it in German, and then pronounce the rest of this word as written."

Another related (is this mere coincidence) word for which we need phonetymology is colonel, which is pronounced kernel. So not only is the L changed to an R, but the strong vowels become weakened or completely ignored, without influencing the surrounding consonants! Usually if you have the letter C before a weak E sound it's a soft C (pronounced S), but this one retains its hard C qualities. And the only way I've ever heard of for confusing L and R is that mock Chinese accent that Monty Python did in that one bit with the court of Elizabeth I on scooters, but I think that's racist.

"Okay, pronounce the first letter as written, belligerently forbidding it to be influenced by the pronunciation of the neighbouring vowel. Then turn the second letter into a weak vowel, despite the fact that it's the location of the stress in the word. Pronounce the third letter in as racist a manner as humanly possible, then ignore the fourth letter and pronounce the rest of the word as written."

WTF is up with this? We need an explanation!