End of summer

Labour Day weekend is commonly considered the end of summer, and with this end I'm feeling a sort of dread. I don't know why. There was nothing particularly special about this summer - life just went on as usual. But as I've been waking up to darkness rather than a view of the sunrise these past few days, I'm feeling like the fall and upcoming long winter months portend nothing but gloom.

Part of this is sartoral. I'm going through an "OMG, I have NO CLOTHES!" phase, which is unfortunately coinciding with my weight being at its peak and my bank account being at its nadir. Both go through cyclical phases. I lose weight until my body starts screaming "FAT!!!! FEED ME FAT!!!!" Then I give into my cravings until I gain a dress size and my body bloats in protest at the slightest indulgence. This is where I am right now. And my bank account is going to be a bit low until I get a three-pay month in October (I think), so I'd best do without new clothes until then. Shallow as it is, it always makes me feel frumpy and unpleasant to go about life in clothes that don't make me feel good. I do have damn good boots though, as soon as it gets cool enough to wear boots.

Part of this is guilt. I've been feeling kind of guilty for not continually taking classes after I finished university, and back-to-school time just reminds me of that But frankly, I can't imagine how I managed to fit it into my schedule. I feel full now! Also, what time I do spend goofing off is generally spent with something that makes me laugh. An hour of goofing off means an hour of laughter, and that can only be healthy.

But beyond this, there's still a feeling of dread. Like something bad is going to happen as it gets cold and dark, because it's getting cold and dark. I can't imagine why though. I am now in the lightest surroundings, both physically and spirit-ly (I don't quite mean spiritually, but the best noun I can find to form this adjective is spirit), that I've ever been in. This will be the first winter when I can drink my morning coffee in a pool of sunlight. This will be my first winter with the complete works of Monty Python, Eddie Izzard (despite Poodle's best efforts to get me onto him earlier), and Whose Line at my fingertips. This is the first year when my brain has been able to handle listening to music while doing draft translation (on familiar topics that don't require in-depth research), which does ease the mental effort of working all day. (What would be awesome is if I ever develop the ability to listen to stand-up comedy while translating. This sounds impossible now, but a year ago listening to music with lyrics was impossible, and two years ago working on a post-insomnia day or through strep throat was impossible.) So I have more tools than ever before to get through any impending psychological darkness, and yet I still have this lurking premonition that it's going to be a difficult winter. I have no idea why.