The problem with school for introverts

Literature and websites talk about most of the reasons why introverted children find school difficult, but there's one I've never seen mentioned: for most of your school years, it is socially unacceptable to be alone or to not have any friends in whatever context you're in.

There were some times at school when I didn't have any friends whatsoever, and many others when I didn't have any friends in my particular class or activity. Personally and in a vacuum, this wasn't that much of a problem. I would have been quite happy to spend recess and lunch alone in my head, or to do any group projects single-handedly. The problem was that my classmates would actively torment me for not having friends, or even for merely being spotted walking around alone. This made everything into an ordeal. I had to find some friends who I could spend recess with so that I wouldn't have to be seen alone. I had to find some friends in each class so I wouldn't be left adrift for group work and so I'd have someone to sit with at lunch. I had to come up with something to do (or at least to say I had done) each weekend other than finish my homework and chores and recover from school, because that one teacher started each week by asking everyone what they did on the weekend, and it was more than my life was worth than to be caught saying "Nothing."

The thing of it was, in childhood there is no concept of acquaintanceship. Kids don't (or, at least, my peers didn't) grasp the concept of working with someone just because they're in your class and the project has to be done, or eating lunch at the same table as someone just because they needed a place to sit. No no no, you can only work or eat lunch with people who are your friends - and like real friends, come-over-to-my-house-and-play friends. And even if you have dozens of friends elsewhere, it was still a matter of shame to not have a friend in this room right now.

And, of course, the grownups didn't help. "So have you made any friends in your class?" they'd ask, as though this were expected and necessary. As though we should be able to find people we'd like to invite over to our house and play with our stuff in any randomly generated collection of peers. (Aside: some of my older relatives still say this to me - "So, have you made any friends at work?" - and in the exact same tone of voice.) We were simply never exposed to the idea that you can get along decently with someone at school without being friends with them, that people have private lives outside of school, and that there's no shame in not having a friend right by your side this exact minute.

All of which is downright exhausting when you really don't need a friend by your side for personal reasons, but you still have to constantly hustle to make sure you're never seen alone just to avoid torture.