The Globe and Mail's David MacFarlane laments the fact that people in Toronto do not engage with strangers.
Well, Mr. MacFarlane, I cannot speak for anyone else, but I'm going to explain why I, personally, do not initiate social contact with you, personally.
1. I'm not going to smile or make eye contact or initiate any socializing with you, personally, because you are a strange man. In my experience, strange men tend to take any smile or eye contact from a young woman as a sign of interest. I am taken and do not wish to lead anyone on. Perhaps you wouldn't misconstrue my overtures - perhaps you're happily married or happily gay - but I have no way of knowing that, and it's simply not worth the risk. My existing social circle serves all my social needs, so it's no inconvenience to me whatsoever if I lose out on a nice friendship or a decent acquaintanceship, but it is a significant inconvenience to me if a strange man thinks I'm interested when I'm not.
2. But let's take your observations into the abstract. Why don't I engage people in general? Mostly it's because I have no reason to. I have nothing productive or helpful or informative or interesting or amusing to say to the vast majority of people I encounter. There is simply no benefit that could come from my interrupting their daily activities and train of thought. If I feel a silence might be perceived as awkward, perhaps while waiting for the elevator or something, I'll make an attempt at small talk, but if I can't think of any decent small talk I'll keep my mouth shut rather than blabbling pointlessly. If there is something specific that you want me to say, ask me about it, and I'll answer as long as you don't come across as too creepy. (If you want me to chat with people my instincts say are creepy, that right there explains why people aren't engaging with you.) But honestly, I'm not sitting here full of twelve kinds of brilliant amusement that I'm witholding from you out of spite - I just cannot see any reason why a stranger would want to talk to me, so I don't go around imposing myself on strangers, instead letting them get on with whatever important things they're doing.
3. But maybe the average person is more interesting than me, and what they have to say might be of interest to random strangers. Do you want them to talk to everyone? I counted once - I cross paths with 100 people between my apartment and the subway. Then there's the a crowded subway car (where I'd really rather read), and I'd estimate anywhere from 10 to 50 people between the subway and my office, depending on the timing. I'm close to a good 10-20 people when I go to get my lunch (including elevator rides, waiting in line, etc.). If I go grocery shopping after work I enounter 50-100 people in the store, and then another 100 on the walk home from the store. And, being a creature of habit, I'd say at least 25% of these people are "regulars", whom I see quite often. That's a lot of people. Imagine trying to engage with that many people! Imagine how difficult it would be to go about your everyday life if that many people tried to engage with you! It's simply not feasible. The odds suck - that's simply a fact of city life. If you don't like that, you might be more comfortable in a small town.
In the meantime, if you want to know what I have to say, you can read my blog at your leisure. If you have some information you think I could use, feel free to tell me. If you need help and you think I can help you, feel free to ask. But, to the best of my knowledge, I have nothing to gain from engaging with you, nothing to contribute that makes it worth inconveniencing you, and dozens, if not hundreds of people just like you that I encounter every day. I am not talking to you because there is no benefit to anyone and it's quite likely inconvenient for everyone. If this is not the case, you must let me know on an ad hoc basis.
2 comments:
I didn't get the sense Mr. Mac is suggesting you should take strangers home for dinner, or even that you should 'initiate social contact' with them. He's not even talking about strangers, he's talking about neighbors you don't know well...but still people who probably live right up or down the street or share your path to work, etc.
He says:
In Paris, you would automatically say good morning or good evening. It would be rude not to. So, too, in Rome. But in Toronto, the norm is to pretend that the person you encounter by chance at the ATM, or at the streetcar stop, or in the emergency ward, or on an elevator, isn't there.
I think he has a good point. I don't see it as a big deal to say 'good morning' or 'howyadoin'?" or "nice day, huh?" or just a polite nod that acknowledges their existence, at least now and then.
No, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Saying Hi to people when I have nothing else to contribute would do nothing for me, do nothing for them while interrupting whatever they're doing or thinking, lead on people who are looking for an excuse to be led on, and be quantitatively unfeasible. Not talking to them doesn't mean ignoring their existence - I'd still give them a seat on the subway or press an elevator button if their hands were full - but it's pretty damn presumptuous to go around talking to people for no reason just so you can pretend you live in a sitcom.
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