Wednesday, July 12, 2006

How to destroy the men's scented toiletry industry

I find some recent advertising for men's scented toiletries un peu misogynist, so I came up with a simple plan to inflict ruin upon the entire industry. You know, just in case anyone has a bit of spare time on their hands or something. :)

Ladies: Your job is to familiarize yourself with the scents of the new men's toiletries that are constantly being advertised. Then when you smell that scent on a guy, you wrinkle your nose as though you've caught a whiff of something unpleasant, then slowly and casually back away from the wearer, as though you're trying to tactfully avoid him. Bonus points for casually asking "Did you come here straight from the gym?" at an appropriate time in the conversation. If the scent is on a guy with whom you already have an established relationship, reply to his overtures by asking if he'd like to freshen up a bit first. However, be completely responsive to his overtures, and initiate your own, if he's unscented at the moment. If you notice a scented toiletry product in among your gentleman friend's toiletries, casually pick up the bottle and smell it, then say "Oh, THAT'S what that smell is! I thought it was a BO problem [or, if you're feeling particularly daring, a bladder/bowel problem], but I couldn't think of how to bring it up tactfully!" Remember: no physical affection for scented men!

Gentlemen: Your job is much simpler. Familiarize yourselves with the scents, and then sashay up to anyone wearing those scents, and purr beguilingly "Why, whatever is that bewitching fragrance?"

At the drugstore: Are you in a store where these products are being sold? Are there people shopping for these products? Is there at least one man and at least one woman in your party? If so, then you walk up to the products under the pretence that one or more of the men in your party is shopping for a something that will make him smell sexy. Man: "Oooh, this is sexy! Smell it, what do you think?" Woman: "Ewww! Get that away from me!" [gags, turns green, covers mouth, holds nose, etc.]

The flaw in this plan is the ethically dubious use of heterosexism to combat misogyny. I have not yet decided whether this is justified by the fact that the misogyny is also heterosexist.

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