Friday, August 14, 2009

My 2010 New Year's Resolution

For 2008 and 2009, I made anti-resolutions, which worked well. However, my resolution for 2010 is serious. I could flippantly spin it as another anti-resolution, but the fact of the matter is it's difficult and real and necessary. That's why I'm posting it now instead of waiting for New Year's, because it came to me now and I'd be doing myself (and perhaps others) a disservice if I put it off for months.

By the end of 2010, I need to cultivate Entitlement.

It's the missing link. It goes against the most ingrained hard-wired aspects of my nature, and it has to get done.

Everything for the past several years has been converging on this. In 2007, thanks to Heather Mallick's quirky choice of a book title, I discovered Eddie Izzard (and am still kicking myself for not listening to Poodle and looking him up years earlier). Suddenly, unexpectedly, at the age of 26, I had acquired my very first role model. In the past I was always able to give some appropriate names and reasons when asked who my role model is, but Eddie is the first time I actually felt it - the role model equivalent of being in love for real after thinking you were in love 47 times as a teenager. The thing that inspires me most about Eddie (apart from his moments of truly excessive awesomeness) is the way he's charmingly and disarmingly unapologetic. He messes up on stage, he says "Messed that up," laughs along with the audience, and just keeps going - no blushing, stammering, trying to hide the fact. He wants to buy a dress, he walks into the store and asks to try it on in his size - no abashedly asking if it wouldn’t be too much of a problem if he tried it on. I've been able to use that in my own life, and my social and professional skills have benefited.

My December 2008 birthday horoscope said questions would be answered in six weeks. They were, but, as these things usually go, it's not something I would have expected: I read Naked in Death by J. D. Robb. It's a bit trashy, but so much fun! The characters are interesting and compelling and witty and grow and evolve as the series progresses, the love scenes are sexy and inspiring, the mysteries are sufficiently suspenseful, and I just enjoy spending time in that universe. I promptly read all 34 books in the series, more often than I should staying up until 3 in the morning to finish a book. And it was in this series' protagonist, Eve Dallas, I found my second-ever role model. Eve inspires me in a number of different ways, but the most significant is that she doesn't get nervous - not even one bit - about talking to people. She was 30 when the series started - just a couple of years older than me. In the first book she spends a lot of time talking to people, interviewing suspects and witnesses and sources, and she's never ever the slightest bit nervous or hesitant. Until I know a person well, I always have to work up a little bit of nerve to talk to them. It might not show, but it's there, and a good part of the reason why it's there is because of my bullies. But Eve, who survived horrific abuse, doesn't even have a glimmer of hesitation (and we're inside her head, it would show), she just knocks on a door, flashes her badge, and talks to people. That blew my mind!

My 2009 New Year's anti-resolution was "Shut up and buy it!" (It's going well, by the way - a number of things bought that make me very happy, only one misfire so far. I just think it's in poor taste to blog about it in the current economic climate.) One thing I discovered that I didn't even know was there was that it isn't just the financial "Oh, I shouldn't!" factor stopping me from buying stuff. It's also the fact that I don't feel cool enough to buy the things that I want to buy. The products are out of my league, the retailers are way cooler than I'll ever be. For example, I covet Fluevog shoes. Despite the fact that I have bought some (and they are truly awesome) and got exceptional customer service every time I went in there, I'm still nervous to go into their store because they're so much cooler than me. I'm here, with money, ready to make a purchase, they're there, selling stuff, with 100% of empirical evidence suggesting that I'll get excellent service, and I'm still nervous. This is a problem, and creates more self-loathing than anything else since catholicism.

I had some angst about turning 28. I thought I'd be cooler by the time I turn 28, and I had, despite the fact that I know better, developed some age-specific goals that were not met. But after doing Shut Up and Buy It for a bit and enjoying the results, it occurred to me that even though I'm not cool enough to be 28, I might be able to become cool enough to be 30 by the time I turn 30.

Then I read Outliers, was introduced to the concept of Entitlement, and saw that it's what I'm missing. Eddie Izzard is so cool because he feels like he's totally allowed to be on that stage, and he's totally allowed to be buying that dress. Eve Dallas is so competent because she feels like she's totally allowed to be walking up to people and interrupting their day and interviewing them. My Shut Up and Buy It fails have been because I don't feel like I'm actually allowed to be shopping at those places or for those things. Entitlement is the characteristic I admire in my role models, and lack of Entitlement is the thing that causes me to self-sabotage my own goals. (No, Shut Up and Buy It isn't my only goal, but it's the most suitable example for this post.)

So I have to develop Entitlement. I'm never going to actually feel it, but I need to eventually be able to slip into it when necessary, like how I can easily slip into Perky Customer Service. At the end of 2010, I turn 30. If I can act with Entitlement on demand by then, I'll be cool enough to be 30. Then, as an added bonus, I can use my Entitlement to convince my doctor to sterilize me.

It's going to be hard. The introversion is an obstacle, the residual effects of the bullying are an obstacle, my poor social skills are an obstacle, my need for my betters to know better than me is an obstacle. I'll have to work against all these natural tendencies. Plus, this is one the one aspect of life, more than anything else, where I find it very hard to shrug off negative feedback. If one person to whom I'm practising my Entitlement reacts negatively, that will set me way back. But it has to be done.

I might find myself having to blog about it along the way, it will get self-indulgent (moreso than usual), it might get angsty, and it might get boring. But it's my blog, I'm totally allowed.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

"But it's my blog, I'm totally allowed."

The dead hand of entitlement.

Du said...

My 2008 motto is “Less talk, more do”. Before that, I often say “Procrastination is the thief of time”.

laura k said...

Totally wonderful and excellent!! I look forward to following your journey to Entitlement. I think you might even really feel it one day, not only use it when you need it (although that alone would be super great).

A few asides from this post.

- I didn't know you found Eddie through Heather Mallick's title. I love that for the links and writerly connection.

- Even though you're in Eve Dallas' head when she just strides in and flashes her badge, Eve is still a fictional character. The author can create a person with no internal anxiety, but IRL that is non-existent, IMO. Most people do experience a twinge of anxiety before doing certain things, even if they don't let the anxiety stop them and plunge right ahead - even if the anxiety is invisible in public.

- I love that you are resolving to do this, rather than saying "this is the way I am, case closed".

impudent strumpet said...

Yeah, Eve also eats like a teenage boy without giving a moment's thought to weight or blood pressure, is married to a billionaire sex god hacker genius, and owns a flying car. This is why I would never deliberately choose a fictional character as a role model. But she came barging in and inspired me before I could stop her, so now I work with it.

And maybe I should do Heather Mallick the decency of actually reading book. I saw the title, thought "That sounds like it's from something...", went googling, spent hours and hours on youtube, and never got back tot he book.

I love that you are resolving to do this, rather than saying "this is the way I am, case closed".

I've never done anything like this before, at all, ever. There were one or two things that I read in teenage girl magazines that I tried to do, but I was attempting (and failing at) them because I felt like I should be doing something proactive to improve my life and the magazine put the idea in front of me, not because it was an actual solution to an actual problem I have.

laura k said...

I've never done anything like this before, at all, ever.

Then it's even more impressive!

You might want to think small. Take baby steps - manageable bites. One of the biggest obstacles to any change is becoming overwhelmed.

Eve Dallas is quite a role model! I like how she chose you. Speaks well of her creator.