The secret to unhappiness

The secret to unhappiness is wanting other people to feel specific things in specific situations.

This idea originated from this Miss Conduct column. The letter-writer wants her friend to eat and enjoy her food. She wants a specific action and a specific response to that action. Then she's having all kinds of angst because Friend isn't eating her food, or because Friend is eating and enjoying other food. If LW would content herself with everyone enjoying themselves at the get-together, she'd be happy. But because she wants Friend to do something very specific and feel something very specific in response to it, she's unhappy.

Then I saw this Anthony Wolf column. He wants kids to be interested and engaged in non-electronic experiences. The fact that the kid is interested and engaged in a youtube video doesn't make him happy. If the kid were to go mountain-biking and not be interested or engaged, that wouldn't make him happy.

I think people who find themselves wanting others to feel specific things under specific circumstances need to take a step back and ask themselves: do you want the other person to do that particular thing, or do you want them to feel that particular feeling? If you want them to do the thing, give them the opportunity to do the thing and accept that they will experience it in their own way. If you want them to feel the feeling, look for things that will actually make them feel the feeling, not things you think should make them feel the feeling. Otherwise, you'll never be happy.