Lately I've had a number of different people have a number of different kinds of confusion over which female title to choose when writing in English, so I thought I'd put together a bit of a primer.
Please note that, in all cases, no matter what other factors are in play, the stated preference of the individual being referred to takes precedence over any and all other considerations.
Ms. is the English generic, and as a general rule you should only use Mrs. or Miss if you know the person being referred to prefers that form of address.
However, people who are, for whatever reason, naturally disinclined to use Ms. usually aren't comfortable with that guideline. I've found some people's visceral response to my instruction to use Ms. is "Yeah, but..." So here are some more ways of thinking about it to determine if that "Yeah, but..." is founded.
Do you want to use Mrs.? Is the subject married? If so, is the surname with which you want to use Mrs. her husband's surname? If the answer to either of these questions is no, you must not use Mrs. Technically, Mrs. means "wife of" and is used with the subject's husband's name. It is technically incorrect to use it with a surname other than the subject's husband's, so you may not refer to anyone as Mrs. Maidenname. Divorced women may correctly choose to use Mrs. with their ex-husband's surname, but there's too much potential for offence in calling someone who isn't married "Mrs." unless you know her preferences. Women who have a wife rather than a husband may also correctly choose use Mrs. with their wife's surname, but, again, there's too much potential for offence in introducing such patriarchal connotations unless you know her preferences.
Note that Ms. does not imply unmarriedness. It does not presume to comment on marital status.
Do you want to use Miss? Traditionally, Miss means unmarried, but it also has negative connotations for many people. It can be insulting to young women who want to be seen as mature and grown-up, and it can be insulting to older women who don't want to be thought of as spinsters. The most effective way to explain the precise flavour of the negative connotations is to think of Miss as an accusation of virginity. (Yes, this example is in poor taste, but it's by far the most effective way to explain the negative connotations to someone who doesn't grok them.) When you find yourself reaching for Miss, ask yourself: do you think the subject would want people to think that she's a virgin (regardless of whether she actually is)? If you were in her position, would you want people to think of you as a virgin? If the answer is no, you must not use Miss. So if the subject is 12 years old, Miss is probably okay. If she's 30 years old, it would probably be a diss. If she's 18 years old, it would be rather condescending.
Note that Ms. does not imply non-virginity. It does not presume to comment on personal history.
If you're going to get it wrong, Ms. is the best way to get it wrong. Calling a woman Ms. when she prefers something else is like calling a man Mr. when he prefers something else. If it's a mistake, it's a perfectly understandable mistake. For example, suppose you meet a man you know nothing about except that his name is John Smith. So you address him as "Mr. Smith." No problems there. But it turns out Mr. Smith is actually in the military, and is properly addressed as Col. Smith. That's fine, and you'll use it in the future. But you had no way of knowing that going in, so your use of Mr. was perfectly understandable. However, suppose when you meet Col. Smith he's wearing his uniform so you can see he's in the military. But you don't know your rank insignia very well, so you end up calling him Sgt. Smith. That would be a huge diss! Or suppose you remember that he doesn't go by Mr. but don't remember what it is he does, so you take a guess and call him Dr. Smith. That would just be weird! Unless you're absolutely certain of what his actual title is, Mr. is the best way to get it wrong. Similarly, Ms. is the best way to get it wrong.
Pour les francophones: Oui, le titre féminin utilisé par défaut en français est Madame. Mais Madame, dans le sens du titre défaut, ne se traduit pas par Mrs.! Mrs. est manifestement incorrect si la personne en question n'est pas mariée ou n'utilise pas le nom de famille de son mari. Le titre défaut féminin en anglais doit être Ms.
When translating from French to English: Always always always translate Madame/Mme. as Ms., unless you specifically know the subject prefers something else.
6 comments:
Excellent primer.
In the late 90s, I was very very surprised to hear from a friend in the UK that using Ms had all kinds of negative connotations there (according to her). I thought it had been standard for a long time. I hope that's changed or that she was wrong.
What are some of the negative reactions you've encountered? Why don't people like it?
In French (and many other European languages) the generic is Madame (which is literally Mrs., but now serves as generic.) There was once an attempt to make an equivalent of Ms. (Madelle), but it didn't take and the generic use of Madame did catch on. So to the Francophone ear Madelle sounds really odd and unidiomatic (rather like ze and zir as attempted gender-neutral pronouns) and it would be bizarre to address someone that way a propos of nothing. I think most European languages work that way, I don't know anything about non-European languages.
So lately I've had quite a few people transferring their baggage on the idiomaticness/connotations of Madelle (or the equivalent in their mother tongue) to Ms. Their intentions are good, because Madame is generically respectful, but unfortunately the cultural connotations don't translate one-to-one. I've also had people translating into English assuming that Madame was intended specifically as Mrs. because that's what you learn early on in school when you're 8 years old and learning how to address adults, but it doesn't work that way in professional life.
I don't know anything about the UK, but next time I'm reading a British news article I'm going to pay attention to which titles they use.
When (painfully) making phone calls to MPs in Quebec, I have wondered if Madame had become generic. I felt weird using it, because I thought it meant Mrs. Thanks for clearing that up.
The person in the UK associated the use of Ms with the worst stereotypes of radical feminism. She insisted this was not unique to her but the general perception there.
Oh, it has to be Madame. There's nothing else to choose from. It's not just Ms./Mrs., but its also Ma'am/Madam. French couldn't even generate the number of words of commentary I just wrote on the title choice, because there's no other remotely feasible option except Madamoiselle which simply isn't for adults. (Even old men and professors addressed me as Madame when I was 19.)
There's a line in Ab Fab where someone addresses Patsy as Madame, and she corrects him very pointedly, "--moiselle. Madamoiselle," to tell him she's available. So there's another level of funny there, as Patsy is misusing the French.
Unless the use of Madamoiselle has evolved since then, which I don't know the answer to. In the late 80s we had a French teacher who went by Madamoiselle, but I don't know if that was common usage at the time or the standard non-idiomatic French used by non-immersed Anglophones. (Not that I claim to speak fully idiomatic French, but I deal with business French every day.)
Our regular teachers all went by either Miss or Mrs. at that time, and I can't imagine them using Miss today. My grade 5 teacher went by Miss, and she had an adult son. And grade 5 students are old enough to realize the implications of Miss + child and young enough to be vaguely scandalized by it (it was a small school and everyone's parents were either married or divorced - there were no never-married parents that I knew of), so Ms. would have been ideal for her. But it didn't seem to be used at all then. But suddenly in high school, all the teachers went by Ms., even when they'd married and changed their last name over the summer.
So yeah, my point is that it's possible Madamoiselle has changed since then, or it's possible Patsy just learned in her basic French class that Mlle. = Miss and Mme. = Mrs.
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