I'd rather not be welcome, thanks

"Thank you"
"No problem!"

For some reason this response really bothers some people, and I don't understand why. I know that "You're welcome" is the standard answer, but it doesn't really have any meaning to me. When I say it, I'm saying "Insert standard answer here." When I say "No problem!" I'm really being more effusive. It's shorthand for "Oh, that is so NOT a problem whatsoever, it's no trouble, I'm happy to do it, please don't go around feeling you've imposed on me!" I have a friend who communicates this with a non-verbal noise and a dismissive wave of the hand, and it certainly makes me feel more "welcome" than the words "You're welcome."

I find that in general when I use standard formulae, I'm doing so because it's socially required. This isn't necessarily a bad thing - it isn't begrudging or anything - but what I mean when I use standard formulae is "I am asking" or "I have been received a favour" or "Someone has thanked me". However, when I use variations on standard formulae, that means I'm putting some thought into my response, which means I'm actually feeling what I'm saying.

If I say, "Could you pass me that pencil please?" is standard, so I'm just using the "please" because it's required. If I say, "Um, I was wondering if you would possibly be able to do me a big favour and help me with changing my vacuum bag? I'm sorry, I know this is a strange thing to ask and a bit of an imposition, but I think the bag is full and I really am not able to change it myself, and I just don't know who else to ask," I'm obviously asking in a more deferential way. I'm not even saying "please" here, but my sentence structures and tone of voice indicate proper deference to the fact that I am asking a bigger favour to which I am not at all entitled. I could stick "please" in anywhere, and that wouldn't make it any more deferential.

When someone passes me the salt or the cashier hands me my change, I simply say "Thank you!" This is the standard formula, and is appropriate for such small niceties. If someone does me a bigger favour, I'd say something more along the lines of "OMG, thank you SO much, I really do appreciate it!" But I can also communicate effusive thanks without ever saying the words "Thank you." For example, if someone does me a surprise favour: "OMG, you ROCK!" For something extremely kind: "Oh wow, this is like the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me!" (said on the verge of tears). For a really good gift, I could be effusive about the gift itself. I did this once when I was a kid and my aunt gave me this little light for reading in bed. "Oh wow, it's so tiny, but it makes so much light! Like I took it into the bathroom and turned off the lights and it lit up the WHOLE ROOM! But you can't see it through the covers! This is so cool!" My mother then came along and nagged reminded me to thank my aunt, and my aunt said that I'd already thanked her several times. I never once actually uttered the words "Thank you," but my sheer enthusiasm for the gift made my aunt feel thoroughly thanked.

"I'm sorry" is the standard apology, and it's appropriate for normal incidents of crowd navigation or conversation interruption, but a real apology requires something more. "Oh no, I am SO sorry! I had NO idea that would happen, it was totally not what I intended to do! I really did not mean to cause any trouble for you! Please tell me what I can do to make it better!" The words "I'm sorry" sort of have more need to be uttered during an apology, but you can do it without. Wide eyes, hand covering mouth, gasp, "OH NO!" "Oh wow, I had no idea..." For smaller offences, a suitably self-effacing "Oops" and an attempt to figure out how to not make the same mistake again can be effective. Again, the use of the words "I'm sorry" need to be inserted here more than "please" and "thank you" do above, but it's the rest of the context that really communicates the speaker's remorse.

So back to "You're welcome." You're in the coffee shop, the person behind the counter hands you your coffee and your change:

You: "Thank you"
Worker: "You're welcome. Have a nice day."

Compare this with:

You: "Thank you"
Worker: "No problem! Enjoy your weekend!"

Isn't the second one better, even though the words "You're welcome" are never uttered?