How the Big Bang Theory writing team is like a deadbeat dad

This post contains full spoilers for The Big Bang Theory, up to and including the end of the finale.

Bringing a new baby into the universe means work. You have to care for the baby and the subsequent child and the subsequent teen and the subsequent adult, providing for their physical and emotional and material and logistical needs and launching them into an adult who can function and thrive in the society into which they were born and whatever that society evolves into.

Bringing a new baby into a fictional universe also entails a certain amount of work. You have to figure out and reflect in the story you're telling how this new baby affects their parents and the characters around them, and how they are affected by the particularities of the universe you're bringing them into.  When you're starting with pregnancy, you have to address how the pregnant parent feels about the pregnancy, how this affects their relationship if they're coupled, the implications pregnancy and childbirth and childrearing have for their life (and for the plot).


But the writers of Big Bang Theory didn't do any of this work when they decided to make Penny pregnant in the season finale.

Penny is the one character who has expressed the wish to never have children.  The show has spent some time on this, and on what it means for her marriage to Leonard (who is amenable to having children).

But when they presented her as pregnant in the series finale, they didn't show us how she got from her previously-established point of never wanting children to her new point of having no apparent objections.


As everyone who has ever either made a choice to have children or made a choice not to have children knows, this is not a decision made lightly or on a whim.

And as those of us who have changed our minds know, changing your mind requires even more soul-searching than making the original decision. I myself spent night after night working my way from "Aww, babies are cute and make my ovaries ache!" to "Given what I suffer in day-to-day life, could I really look my child in the eye and justify bringing them into the world" to "You know, what I want isn't actually a human being that I have to keep forever - I just want a small adorable creature to look at me with love in its eyes."

Changing one's mind about whether to have children is an excruciating process of working through hard truths, and that needs to be honoured.

What hard truths did Penny have to work through? What did she think and feel?  What is it like to find yourself with an unwanted pregnancy while married to someone who wants children?  Did she consider terminating the pregnancy?  Did she talk to anyone?  Did she tell Leonard? Before or after she made the decision to keep it?

There's a lot going on here, in a character that the show worked hard to make us care about from the beginning and in a relationship the show worked hard to make us care about from the beginning, and they didn't do the work of showing us any of it.

And it doesn't just stop with the decision to keep and welcome the baby - there's also the future to think about.  How does a baby affect their lives and careers and housing situation?  Penny is the primary breadwinner - how does her pregnancy affect her career?  How does that end up affecting their finances?  How does that end up affecting their relationship? How does a pregnancy affect Penny's health, both during and after the pregnancy?  How does the whole situation affect the baby?  What's it like to be a child who was originally unwanted? How does the fact that Penny originally didn't want the child affect her relationship with the child?  How does Leonard's fraught relationship with his mother affect his relationship with the child?  What happens if the kid gets Leonard's looks and Penny's brains?  And then has another sibling who gets Penny's looks and Leonard's brains?

The writers spent 12 years carefully crafting a scenario that gives rise to all these interesting questions, then abdicated responsibility for answering any of them.


If they didn't want to raise all these questions, they could have not brought up the idea that Penny doesn't want to have children - they could have simply not mentioned it at all and instead focused on the geeky science antics that we're all here for in the first place! But since they did introduce the idea that Penny doesn't want children in the first place, their duty as writers is to work through the consequences of this decision and their subsequent reversal of the decision.


And on top of all this, we live in a reality where the "but what if you change your mind" excuse is all too often used to deny people the reproductive health care that's best for them.  The Big Bang Theory is both set and produced in the US, and this episode aired at a moment when laws are being changed in the US to deny people the reproductive health care that's best for them.  And the Big Bang Theory people who are on Twitter do seem to object to this development.  And yet they made a much-watched season finale that reinforced the excuses used to deny people the reproductive health care that's best for them.


So basically, after 12 years of working on making us care and proactively reassuring us that they wanted a childfree marriage, the Big Bang Theory writers up and impregnated the one person who had expressed the desire never to have children, then ended things and ran off without doing any of the work that resulted from the pregnancy.

They never gave a moment's thought to our feelings and the expectations that they had spent 12 years building up. They never gave a moment's thought to what this means for the baby. They never gave a moment's thought to what this means for the mother. They never gave a moment's thought to what this means for the marriage. They never gave a moment's thought to the example they're setting for the many other people over whom they have influence that they've carefully cultivated over years.

Where I come from, we call that a deadbeat dad.

What if they didn't tell the heir about the entail?

The estate is entailed upon the male line! But the current master of the estate only has daughters! When he dies, the estate will be inherited by some distant cousin nobody has ever met! And the heir would be perfectly entitled to throw the widow and daughters out of their home! What do???

This is a common trope in fiction - well-known examples include Pride and Prejudice and Downton Abbey - as well as, I'm sure, being something that happened from time to time in real life.

But I wonder, what would happen if they just...didn't tell the heir that he's the heir?

It seems like it would be reasonably easy to conceal that information in an era before computerization and mass communication - it's just sitting in a file in some office somewhere, no one can look it up on a database or anything. It probably wouldn't even be too difficult to destroy the records if needed. (Maybe the lawyer whose office they're in is bribable?)

In Downton they have the additional complication that Lord Grantham is an earl with a seat in the House of Lords so his empty seat would be conspicuous, but Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice has no such distinction (and doesn't even share the Bennet surname!)  If they just didn't tell people the estate was entailed, people probably wouldn't even notice if they just kept living there after Mr. Bennet died.

Even if people did know the estate was entailed, what if they just told the neighbours that the heir was kind enough to let them continue living there?  Matthew Crawley legit would have let the Crawleys continue living at Downton, and it's perfectly plausible to stranger that Mr. Collins, being a man of the cloth, would have done the same. Or they could tell their neighbours that their lawyer discovered that the heir had died, thereby breaking the entail.

Or, if the heir did know he was the heir, what if they just didn't tell him when the master of the estate died? Under normal circumstances (in the absence of the Darcy-de Bourgh connection), Mr. Collins would have no way of knowing anything that happened at Longbourn. 
It also occurs to me that an imposter absentee heir could be brought in.  Get some guy that one of the daughters is enthusiastic about marrying, tell everyone that he's the heir, and ultimately the children of the daughter who marries him will inherit the estate.  If the actual heir turns up and the imposter heir has already done the work of ingratiating himself to the neighbours, it should be fairly straightforward to accuse the actual heir of being the imposter - it's not like they have photo ID!

Was there some kind of central authority enforcing these entails and communicating to these distant heirs the fact that they were the heir?  Because if there wasn't, it seems like they would be one lawyer bribe away from it not being a problem.

What to do if you feel guilty about receiving an unneeded scholarship

 From the third letter in this Ethicist column:

When I was in eighth grade at a parochial school in the Midwest, I received a scholarship to the high school as the No. 1 student. This was a school tradition. For 70 years, I have felt guilty that the No. 2 student transferred to the public high school instead of continuing his Catholic education. My family was not wealthy, but I would have gone to the Catholic high school whether it was free or not. Should we have refused the scholarship so that someone more needy could use it?

A way to mitigate the guilt that has followed you for 70 years could be to pay it forward by donating a scholarship to your high school, perhaps for the #2 student from your elementary school, or for a high performing student with financial need. I'm sure the school would be happy to guide you in how to best target the scholarship.

If you can't afford to donate funds for a scholarship in perpetuity, I doubt they'd say no to a one-time scholarship to put one student through four years of high school.

If (like mine) your old high school has since closed, you could donate to another comparable school in your community of origin, or in your current community.

If there isn't a high school that's a suitable option, another possibility would be to donate the amount of a typical Catholic high school tuition towards the post-secondary education of a needy student (someone from the public high school your classmate attended?).

In any case, you'd be using the fruits of your education to make a comparable education available to someone else, thereby, at a minimum, balancing the scales.

How to calculate a personal cost-benefit analysis for the Ontario Library Service

Short version:

To calculate how much actual money you pay to support the Ontario Library Service, multiply line 428 of your tax return * 0.00003181673.

Full version:

Last year, I calculated a personal cost-benefit analysis of the tax dollars that I, personally, pay in support of my local public library.

In the wake of recent cuts, I was going to write up a personal cost-benefit analysis for the Ontario Library Service, but before I could do so, the Toronto Public Library announced that these cuts wouldn't affect their services.

However, there is much more to Ontario than just Toronto, and the differences in population and population density mean libraries in many other parts of Ontario have smaller collections (and therefore need more interlibrary loans) and smaller municipal tax bases (and therefore are more dependent on provincial funding.)

So, for everyone else in Ontario, here's how to calculate your own cost-benefit analysis of the Ontario Library Service.

Ontario's total revenue for the 2017-2018 fiscal year was $150.6 billion.

The Ministry of Tourism, Culture and Sport's 2017-2018 funding for Ontario Library Service North was $1,645,800, and for the Southern Ontario Library Service was $3,145,800.

$1,645,800 + $3,145,800 =  $4,791,600 in total funding for the Ontario Library Service.

$4,791,600 / $150.6 billion = 0.00003181673.  This is the portion of your provincial taxes that support the Ontario Library Service. (If you prefer percentages, that's approximately 0.003%)  

The amount you paid in provincial taxes can be found on line 428 of your tax return.

Therefore:

To calculate how much actual money you pay to support the Ontario Library Service, multiply line 428 of your tax return * 0.00003181673

To calculate the amount saved by the recent cuts, divide this number by 2.

Then you can look at the resulting dollar amount and see how it compares with the library services you use over a year.

You can also look at how this will add up over your lifetime, and how that will compare with the library services you use over your lifetime.

If you don't want to do the math yourself:

I, personally, pay $0.15 per year towards the Ontario Library Service, so the announced cuts would save me $0.075 per year.

A single TTC fare is currently $3.25, which is 43 years of OLS cuts. In 43 years I will be 85, and 3 of my 4 grandparents died by that age. So if I ever, even once, have to leave my neighbourhood to fetch a book because it is not available by interlibrary loan (for example, if it can only be sourced from a library that's affected by these cuts), I will not have gotten my money's worth.

Mailing a book would cost even more than that.  And buying a book would cost even more than that. 

So basically, if I am ever, even once in my life, inconvenienced by these cuts, I will not have gotten my money's worth.

Considerations:

The Ontario fiscal year runs from April to March, so the 2017-2018 numbers are from April 2017 to March 2018. I've used these because I couldn't find the 2018-2019 public accounts. The tax return numbers I've suggested using for your own salary and taxes paid are from January 2018 to December 2018 (assuming you used your 2018 return).  If anyone can provide a source for more current numbers, or for numbers that cover the exact same time period, please post in the comments.

Books read in April 2019

New:

1. No One Understands You and What to Do About it by Heidi Grant Halvorson

Reread:

1. Glory in Death
2. Connections in Death

Another scripting option for Captain Awkward #1189

Captain Awkward #1189:

Dear Captain Awkward,

I’ve met somebody lovely and we’re getting married in the summer. (My pronouns: she/her, my fiancee’s: they/them) I’m thrilled to celebrate with all my family and friends…except one person.

My uncle has mainlined Fox News for longer than I’ve been alive and has selected me, his queer, liberal niece, as a prime audience for his rants. He’s also an aggressive alcoholic who has sent me crude conservative memes on Facebook.

If it were just me involved, I’d probably invite him and assign somebody to make sure he couldn’t make trouble (or have too many drinks). But I’m marrying a Latinx immigrant, exactly the sort of person he spent my entire childhood ranting about. Our wedding is going to be catered by a taco truck. I don’t want him to say something horrible to my fiancee’s family.

I can’t invite him. My father is lecturing me on forgiveness. My mother is brokenhearted and fears this will cause a rift in the family which can never be repaired. My uncle is a proud man and will quite probably never forgive me. But the whole point of a wedding is that I’m starting my own family – and I refuse to have our first day as family marred by somebody who hates the very idea of my future in-laws.

I’m not always a forgiving person but I think this is a very reasonable boundary. Am I wrong? Is there compromise to be had? And how do I stand it throughout the months until the wedding, fighting this invitation fight over and over again with everyone my mother recruits to talk to me about it?

-Wish We’d Eloped

In addition Captain Awkward's excellent advice, another scripting option is "I'm sure Uncle wouldn't enjoy this event."

The immediate reply would almost certainly be something to the effect that you should invite him anyway and let him decide, or that they're sure he'd want to go because he (allegedly) loves you. 

And your response to this is "Oh no, I wouldn't want him to feel pressured or obligated to go to an event where he would so clearly be unhappy."

At this point, you can also enumerate evidence that he'd be unhappy.  "I mean, given X that he posted on Facebook just yesterday, and his big rant about A, B, and C last time I saw him, and . . . " (you can go on to the point of tedium here if you'd like.)

At this point, your interlocutor might say "Oh, he doesn't mean it!" Then you can get into the fact that you're treating Uncle with the basic human respect of not assuming he's constantly lying.


Should you have to make it all about Uncle's comfort and happiness? Of course not! It's your wedding, you're totally allowed to make it all about what you want and not invite Uncle solely on the grounds that you don't want to!

But sometimes it can be strategic - and harder to argue with - to frame your choices as being for the benefit of another party, so I'm putting it out there in case it's of use to anyone.

"Claim your climate action incentive!"

Shortly after I did my taxes this year, I got a flyer in the mail saying "Claim your climate action incentive!"

"Aw, crap!" I thought, "I forgot to do that!"

So I went back and pulled up my tax files in anticipation of having to figure out how to get a do-over . . . and I discovered that the tax software had already claimed it for me and the extra money was already included in my refund!

This makes me think the marketing encouraging you to claim your incentive, as though some action is required on your part, is perhaps not the best marketing strategy. 

Maybe they should say "Look for your climate action incentive rebate on line 449!"  If all you have to do is nothing, that's a good marketing point, and making it sound like some action is required when no action is in fact required makes the whole thing sound less beneficial than it actually is.

If it turns out you actually have do something if you're filling out your taxes by hand on paper, they should enclose a thing with your T1 form (or whatever it's called nowadays - I haven't done my taxes on paper since the 90s) that says "Make sure to fill out Schedule 14 to get your climate action incentive!"  Or just put it on the T1 form where you fill in your name and address and everything.

If I were a government person in charge of promoting this, I'd also instruct CRA to verify every return to make sure everyone has claimed their climate action incentive. (Q: When would they fit this in? A: In the course of whatever magic they do between receiving your return and sending out your Notice of Assessment. A computer algorithm could surely do it.)

That way, anyone who does end up somehow filing their return without claiming their climate action incentive would get some surprise bonus extra money. And that would be way better marketing than instructing people to carry out a task that's difficult to find because it doesn't actually need to be carried out.

Things They Should Invent: people who returned X kept Y

Retailers keep track of returns - you almost always have to give your name and contact information when you return something.

Retailers also frequently keep track of purchases, using loyalty cards and customer accounts and such.

Therefore, records must exist about about what customers tend to buy and keep after returning a given item.

They should use this data to make things easier for customers!

For example, if a lot of people exchange a given garment for a larger size, that's a sign that the garment runs small.  If a lot of people return Brand X and then buy Brand Y, that's a sign Brand Y might meet your needs if Brand X doesn't.

I've previous advocated for a universal clothing sizing wiki, so you can find what else fits people who fit the same clothes as you. Analyzing clothing return data may well serve a good part of this function, without requiring diligence from a large number of individuals.

At an absolute minimum, I'm sure Amazon already has this data somewhere in their massive stores of data they collect on everyone.  They already have a "people who bought X also bought Y" algorithm, so perhaps when they see you returning something, they could also add a "people who returned X kept Y" feature.

Bra options for if Fantasie 4510 makes your back hurt

This post contains descriptions of bras and of breasts, from a technical bra-fitting perspective. Linked images are catalogue-style photos of bras being worn by human models.

The Problem

After years of comfortably and happily wearing the same style of bra, (Fantasie 4510 in 34E) I suddenly started experiencing back pain caused by my bra digging into my spine.

Body Type

The Bra That Fits calculator puts me at a 34F. Most of the substance of my breasts naturally falls towards the outside, under my armpits. My ribcage protrudes under my bra band, to the extent that if the protruding part of my ribs were breasts, they would be B cups.

Bras I tried 

Freya Idol AA1050, beige, 36E 

On the first (outermost) hook, this bra is actually a bit too big based on how bras are supposed to fit theoretically. Sometimes this is comfortable, sometimes it's uncomfortable because the wires (sometimes - I haven't yet identified under what conditions) rest on my ribs rather than being tucked up neatly under my inframammary fold.

The second hook is a correct theoretical fit. Sometimes it's comfortable, sometimes it's uncomfortably tight and I like to loosen it.

The advantage of this bra is it gives me both these options.

The disadvantage of this bra is that the elastic at the very bottom of the band is "stiffer" than the rest of the band. In other words, if I put my hands on the elastic at the very bottom of the band and stretch it side to side, then move my hands up to the body of the band and stretch it with the same force, the body of the band stretches far more.  This means I'm hyper-aware of the elastic (the part that's painted red in this picture - the picture only shows a portion of the bra, but I feel it all the way around) and sometimes always feel like it's slipping between my ribs.

I'm also more aware of the wires in this bra, even though their fit is appropriate.  So, while it was the first bra I could wear comfortably, and is a lovely, high-quality garment, I've put it aside after arriving at the Fantasie and Simone Perele options below.

Freya Idol AA1050, white, 36E

After confirming that my first Freya Idol was a painless bra, I went to purchase a second one.  I bought it on ebay from a retailer in the UK, because that's where the best price was and I had to spend so much on bras during this endeavour that I want to save money where I could.

Unfortunately, it didn't fit the same way as the beige one.  The first hook on the white bra gave me the same fit (and maybe even a bit snugger) than the second hook on the beige bra, which, in combination with the same stiffness issues as the beige bra, rendered it useless to me.

Fantasie 4510, 36E

My bra fitter  had stopped stocking the Fantasie 4510, citing a decline in quality.  But I decided to see what my old style was like in my new size, so I ordered one online. The fit is correct from a technical perspective, it doesn't induce pain, but I'm still more aware of it than I prefer. I'm very aware of the part outlined here against my ribs. Sometimes I feel a tinge of something that's almost, but not quite, nausea when I wear it.  I want to take it off after 6 hours. The problem isn't what I actually feel when I'm wearing it, but rather what I'm afraid I'll feel after wearing it longer.

I did not notice the decline in quality cited by my bra fitter in this bra - all these problems are a combination of the fit of the bra and the finicky needs of my back.

I'm keeping it in my arsenal because it still gives me the best line, but it's not for everyday wear.

Fantasie 4510, 38D

Since I thought the band on the 36E was a bit snug, I decided to try a larger band with a sister size cup.  The 38 band is sometimes comfortable on loosest hook and other times has fit problem associated with a too-loose band.  Sometimes it is comfortable on the middle hook and other times I prefer to loosen it.  However, the cups are a bit too small, I bounce more in this bra, and the back arm of the wires is a bit further forward than I'm comfortable with.

This bra was manufactured slightly differently than the 36E (and than my previous Fantasie bras), in a way that looks a bit more crude and utilitarian, so that might be the decline in quality that my bra fitter was referring to. I can't tell if the difference is specific to the sizes or if my E-cup is just an older one and the D-cup is a newer one.

Fantasie 4510, 38DD

Further interneting suggested that, in the Fantasie brand, DD might be a size between D and E (I'd assumed it was a synonym for E, because Americans can be weird about letters beyond D appearing in their bra sizes).  If that's the case, the 38DD would actually be the sister size to the 38D, so I decided to give it a try.


It turns out the cups of the 38DD are a bit too big - I don't fill them entirely, even though the cups are slightly smaller than those of my 36E.  The fact that I'm not filling my cups is obvious when I'm not wearing a shirt, but a shirt conceals this.

The 38DD is the same style of manufacturing as the 38D.

I decided to keep one of the 38s in case I find myself in a situation where I need a magnificent line but can't handle the Fantasie 36E. It was a toss-up, but I decided to go with the 38DD.

Simone Perele Caresse 3D plunge bra, 36E

This was another option provided by my bra fitter.  It doesn't give me as magnificent a line as the Fantasie and the Freya, but the band gently embraces my back without applying nearly as much pressure as the others.  It's now my day-to-day go-to, with the Fantasie held in reserve for when my shape is particularly important.

The only disadvantage of this bra is it shows sweat stains at the slightest provocation, in the area painted red in this picture. Because of this, despite the beauty and comfort of the garment itself, it wouldn't be the right bra for if I had to look good without my shirt on.

Nevertheless, if I were only allowed to own one style of bra, I'd choose this one.

The unsolved sports bra problem

Alongside the Fantasie 4510 in 34E, I was also wearing Panache's wired sports bra in 34E.

I went in for a fitting of sports bras as well, and, after trying a variety of things, found the best fit was the same Panache wired sports bra in 36E.

However, this still exacerbated the back pain. I went and got refitted, and the best we could do was the same Panache wired sports bra in 38DD. Sometimes I wear it on the first hook, and sometimes I wear it on the second hook.

However, it isn't a proper fit, and I find myself wanting to take it off after a couple of hours.  (My life doesn't require me to wear a sports bra for more than a couple of hours, but I still consider it an unacceptable degree of discomfort if I can't wear a bra all day without thinking about it.)

I still haven't found an optimal sports bra.  I have to find out which Toronto bra fitter has a better selection of sports bras (or, barring that, a drastically different selection of sports bras) and get fitted again, and I haven't yet reached the point where the Panache is bugging me enough to motivate me to do that.

The bra fitters I worked with did repeatedly have me trying on various styles that pull over the head and then hook up behind the back (I don't remember the brands or styles), but I couldn't reliably do them up properly.  So if you can do that style of bra up properly, that might be a fruitful direction to look in.

March 2022 update: The Knix Catalyst meets my needs! Full review here

Takeaway

• If the Fantasie 4510 is causing you pain by digging into your spine, try Simone Perele Caresse 3D plunge in a band size larger.
• The Fantasie 4510 in a band size larger fits, but isn't comfortable enough for all day wear. In two band sizes larger and one cup size smaller, it is comfortable but doesn't fit perfectly.
• The Freya Idol is comparable to the Fantasie 4510, but the sizing is unpredictable and the elastic at the bottom of the band feels uncomfortably conspicuous.
• If the Panache wired sports bra is causing you pain by digging into your spine, try two band sizes up and one cup size smaller. But this is not an optimal solution and I have not yet found the optimal solution. (If you have it, post here!)
• Sports bra update! The Knix Catalyst meets my needs! full review here
  

I will update this post as and when I gather new data.

Books read in March 2019

New:

1. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald by J.K. Rowling
2. The Gown by Jennifer Robson
3.  Connections in Death by J.D. Robb

Reread:

1. Naked in Death by J.D. Robb

Books read in February 2019

New:

1. The Marrow Thieves by Cherie Dimaline 
2. Leverage in Death by J.D. Robb
3. The Good Neighbor: The Life and Work of Fred Rogers by Maxwell King
4. Tell the Machine Goodnight by Katie Williams

Reread:

1. Leverage in Death 

Things Roger Should Invent: check for signal issues before dispatching a tech

Since I moved into this apartment just over two years ago (!), I've had the same problem occur with my Rogers cable several times:

I get problems with video and/or audio quality on a seemingly random selection of TV channels.  I power cycle and/or reauthorize my cable box several times, and it doesn't resolve the problem.  I call Rogers, who check various things on their end then dispatch a technician.

The technician arrives, presses a mysterious combination of buttons that causes a bunch of mysterious numbers to appear on screen, and discovers there's a problem with one of the mysterious numbers.  (It might have something to do with frequency or signal - unfortunately, it didn't occur to me until I started writing this blog post to take notes.)  This problem has to be resolved centrally, so the tech puts in a report and tells me it will be fixed within a couple of days.

And then it's fixed within a couple of days.

It seems to me that they should be able to either check these mysterious numbers remotely, or have the tech on the phone walk me through the mysterious combination of buttons needed to produce the mysterious numbers and read them aloud over the phone, so they can confirm whether there are any signal issues that need to be fixed remotely before wasting my and a tech's time dispatching a tech to read numbers off a screen.  If there aren't clear signal issues, then they can dispatch a tech to see what's happening on-site.

Advanced option, since we do live in the future: when they detect that a customer is resetting their box (which my conversations with phone techs lead me to believe they can do remotely), Rogers computers remotely check that customer's signals, and if there's anything outside the norm they flag it for a human to look at.  Then, if multiple customers in the same area have signal levels outside the norm (which, as I understand it, has been what was happening in these past signal issues), they can detect it and do their remote fix before anyone needs to go to the trouble of calling tech support

The tight bra chronicles

Just over a month ago, for the very first time in my life, I desperately wanted to take my bra off when I got home.  As soon as the apartment door was closed behind me, I reached up my shirt (not even bothering to take off my coat), undid the hooks, and felt the relief of more pain than I'd realized I was experiencing.  But there was still some residual pain floating around in my back even after I undid the bra.

I conducted experiments in the days that followed, and the correlation was clear: bras were causing the back pain. The pain worsened and worsened as I wore a bra, was immediately relieved when I unhooked the bra, but residual pain lingered even after I removed the bra.

Which is a problem, because I have the kind of body where my breasts hurt if I don't wear a bra!

The weeks that followed were consumed with bra shopping and bra testing and immersing myself in solutions to back pain.  And finally, after much expense and despair, I think I have a bra paradigm that's not exacerbating the pain, and, in the absence of bras that are exacerbating the pain, I think my back is healing.  I have gone as long as six hours without adjusting or thinking about my bra, and the residual pain is such that I wouldn't even be noticing it if I weren't obsessing about how my back feels.

And this makes me feel hopeless.

Not for myself specifically - all signs point to me, personally, being on an improvement trajectory.  Rather, it makes me despair for all humanity.

This is such a stupid problem that, despite over a quarter-century of bra wearing, I could never have predicted.  Yes, I could see with my eyes that the old bras were a bit snug, but before this has only resulted in unsightly bulges, not unprecedented back pain.

And then it took significant time and resources to fix - time and resources that were only available to me because of the privilege I have that is not available to everyone.  Many people can't drop everything and spend hundreds of dollars on bras - for quite a few people, it may well be a choice between a bra that doesn't hurt and food for their family. (The single cheapest available bra that didn't exacerbate the pain was $60, but I needed a fitting from a store where the cheapest appropriate bra was $80 to figure out the approach to solve my problem.) Most people don't have a comfy work-from-home situation where they can switch their bra four times a day, or sit around slathered with Icy Hot or Voltaren, or take frequent yoga breaks. Many people might have to pick up extra hours at work wearing a painful bra to make the money they need to afford a non-painful bra!

What if I had to choose between feeding my children and getting a new bra? What if I were a refugee fleeing oppression with only the clothes on my back?  What if I lived somewhere where I didn't have access to expert bra fitters, or the internet access and/or savvy to find out options on the internet? What if I didn't have a credit card that I could use for online shopping?

And this is just one of the zillions and zillions of stupid little problems that could come sneaking up and disrupt people's lives!  Not to mention the zillions and zillions of much bigger problems that some people reading this are having, as they sit there saying "Ha, she thinks a bra that hurts is a real problem!"

***

It was a year ago this weekend that I had my head injury.  My eyesight still hasn't completely resolved, and my vision therapy progress has been stagnant for so many months that I think it may never completely resolve.

The head injury falls into an annoying space that, before it happened, I never knew existed: an injury that hinders your quality of life, perhaps permanently, but isn't serious enough to count as a disability.

I'm fortunate enough to have disability insurance, so I figured if something happened to me, I'd be fine.  If I can't work, I'd go on disability.

But I can work with the head injury, it's just harder, and takes more out of me so I have less left for the rest of life.  If I wanted to take sick leave and my manager asked for a doctor's note (my employer's policy is that it's up to the manager's judgement), I don't know if I'd be able to get one.  I certainly couldn't get the documentation necessary to go on disability.  So, basically, life is harder, but not bad enough to be permitted a respite.

As I googled around the idea of back pain, I discovered that it's similar - not even as a question of whether it counts as a disability, but just for whether it counts as a problem.

Medical criteria for evaluating back pain ask about whether it affects your sleep, your range of motion, whether it affects your daily activities. This affects none of those. It's a 1 on the pain scale. Even WebMD doesn't think I need to see a doctor unless it persists for over 6 weeks (and they probably mean six weeks from when I stopped wearing bras that worsened the pain.)

And when I read up on what happens when you go to the doctor for back pain, the emphasis seems to be on pain management, not on solving the underlying problem. (There doesn't seem much that can be done to solve the underlying problem, except take care of yourself and maybe it will go away eventually.) It seems quite likely the doctor would say "It goes away when you take an Advil? Great! Keep it up!"

So this is another area where life becomes harder but not bad enough to be permitted a respite.

How many more things like this are going to happen???  And what on earth do people with real problems do?

Tide Ultra Oxi has a stronger scent than Tide Ultra Stain Release

I've been trying and failing to figure out the difference between Tide Ultra Oxi and Tide Ultra Stain Release (i.e. which product is better for which laundry challenges?) but I have observed one difference: Tide Ultra Oxi has a stronger scent.

I find the scent pleasant, but I know that not everyone likes every scent, and some people are sensitive to scents.

So the moral of the story is smell a new detergent before you buy it.

I'm currently testing the Ultra Oxi after having previously used Ultra Stain Release, so I'll make another post if I come up with any substantive findings about how they work for actual laundry, as opposed to just smelling pretty.

Books read in January 2019

New:

1. Kingdom of the Blind by Louise Penny
2. The Asshole Survival Guide by Robert I. Sutton
3. Pikiq by Yayo 

Reread:

1. Dark in Death 

Working 9 to 5

It surprises me how often businesses and services that serve the public directly choose to have their operating hours Monday to Friday, 9 to 5.

This makes it far more difficult for customers who work regular business hours to use these businesses.

It's particularly surprising when I see these hours on, like, hair salons and small clothing boutiques in Yonge St. storefronts. While it's possible that customers could get time off work to go to the doctor, it's less likely that they could get time off work to get their hair done, and may well choose instead one of the many comparable businesses in the same neighbourhood with more convenient business hours.  Especially with storefront space on Yonge St. being so expensive, I'm surprised they can afford to make themselves less convenient to their customer.

Also, if I think about it in the first person as a small business owner, why wake up early to open at 9 if you could instead sleep in, open later, and be available to the after-work crowd?  If you're, like, a doctor, why not sleep in at least a couple of days a week so you have office hours where your patients wouldn't have to miss work?  Why not work four 10-hour days and get three days off every week?

Even if you need to be available for deliveries etc., a very small business probably doesn't get deliveries every day. Be on site when you're expecting something, sleep in the other days.

If I had completely control over my schedule, I sure as hell wouldn't be waking up to an alarm!  And if your clients are the people whose workday causes rush hour to happen, you'd also be doing them the kindness of being available at more convenient hours.

Things They Should Invent: teach students how school norms differ from workplace/adult life norms

I've been thinking lately about how school instills a set of norms that's different from workplace norms, and a recent Ask A Manager gave a perfect example:

2. Does “let me check” make me look incompetent?

I am a new grad and recently got a job interning in a teapot development company. I work closely with my boss since we’re a two-person team, and I do a pretty good job (my boss has given me positive feedback), but there is one thing that I sometimes stumble upon. When my boss asks a question that I’m like 70% sure of, which is often, is it better to say “I think it’s ____, but let me check,” or say whatever I think the answer is confidently and then maybe check later and revise if I’m wrong? I usually go the “Let me check” route, but I feel like it might be making me look incompetent. Am I overthinking this?

As Alison makes quite clear in her response, saying "let me check" and then checking is the good and correct and responsible thing to do, and actually makes the employee come across as more reliable.

And it's also the complete opposite of the norms instilled in school.

In school, if you are asked a question, you are expected to know the answer.   If you don't know the answer, you don't get the mark.  And looking up the answer is cheating.

But no one ever actually tells you that this change is a thing that happens, so many young people do foolish things in their first few years in the workforce.

There are other examples too.  As a kid, you're told "Don't talk back!"  But in the workplace, you're supposed to speak up if you see someone making a mistake, so the mistake doesn't reach the client.

When you're in school, your tests and assignment are specifically designed to be doable based on the information you've been taught in class.  In the real world, there's nothing guaranteeing that the specific task you're called upon to do will be feasible, or that you will succeed at it.  Your restaurant might get a rush that overwhelms the kitchen.  Someone might call you tech support line with a problem no one has ever heard of.  The text sent for translation might be illegible or nonsensical.

But, at the same time, in the real world you can sometimes say to your boss "It is literally impossible for me to do this task by this deadline in addition to all the other tasks.  What's my priority?"  And something might get taken off your plate or reschedule.  In comparison, in school you're expected to do all your work from all your classes even if they conflict.

At this point, you might be thinking "But the nature of a classroom is different! It's only natural for expectations to be different!"

And that is true.

The problem is that when you're a kid just beginning to enter the workforce after a lifetime in the classroom, no one tells you that expectations are different, so you end up like the Ask A Manager LW, genuinely uncertain if it's professional to verify before making declarative statements.

So they should tell students this at some point in high school, probably earlier rather than later, so as to reach students before they start getting part-time/summer jobs.  Talk about ways the classroom doesn't reflect the expectations and realities of adult life, and the reasons why the nature of the classroom makes this necessary. If possible, create some "classroom norms don't apply, adult norms apply" environments within the school experience to give students some practice.

The challenge here is that it has to be done well.  We've all our teachers tell us "This will be really important in high school/university/the work world" when it ended up being irrelevant.  And it would be a particular disservice to give students information about the adult world that ends up being outright incorrect.

But if it can be done well, it would be doing an enormous service to young people, those who will one day work with them, and those who will one day rely on their work.

Things I Don't Understand: why do my thighs get colder than my calves?

Whenever I walk around outside in cold weather, my thighs get colder than my calves.

This makes no sense, because my winter coat is knee-length, so my thighs are covered in coat while my calves aren't.  (I don't own or care to shop for winter coats of any other lengths, so I can't do the obvious science experiment.)

Neither my boots nor my socks are tall enough to cover my my calves or warm enough to outweigh the warmth of my coat. (In other words, they're ordinary everyday socks and shoes, not thermal footwear for outdoor activities.)

My thighs have noticeably more fat on them than my calves do.

Even my feet don't get cold as much as my thighs do, and my feet are downright bony!

The coldness of my thighs can be felt externally as well as internally.  In other words, if I take off my pants as soon as I get home and feel my thighs and calves with my hands, my thighs are colder to the touch than my calves are.

Has anyone else ever experienced this, or know why this might happen?

"Kids Today think they invented sex!"

Sometimes people who are old enough to perceive young adults as "kids" complain that "Kids Today think they invented sex!"  Which is a really bizarre thing to say!

First of all, think back to when sex first became part of your life.  You didn't think you invented it (literally or metaphorically).  The history of sex was irrelevant to what you were thinking and feeling. You were simply revelling in a new and thrilling life experience (quite possibly the most thrilling life experience you'd had in your entire life so far.)

But on top of that, at least within the cultures with which I'm familiar, young people grow up in an environment where adults (or, at least, non-abusive adults) are trying to keep sex secret from them.

For the first several years of your life, if all goes well you don't know that sex at all.  Then, when you're old enough to wonder how babies get in a lady's tummy, your parents might tell you about procreative sex.

Around middle school and into high school, you start getting sex ed, with a generally vanilla focus and an underlying message that you're not supposed to be doing this yet.  But also around this age, you're starting to become aware of adult popular culture, which frames sex as the ultimate human experience. It's Unimaginable Pleasure, and it's Not For You.

At the same time, you are most likely supervised by parents, school, etc. in a way that's intended to prevent you from having sex, or even from finding out about the details of sex that aren't taught in sex ed. Your adults make rules like you can't bring a person they think you might have sex with into your bedroom, and they try to prevent you from accessing porn, or whatever else Kids Today are using to learn about Weird Sex Stuff.  If they find out you know even about Weird Sex Stuff, you can get in trouble.

And, at the same time, the adults around you are hiding any sex that they might be having. They lock the door, they don't leave their sexual accoutrements out in the open, etc.   Even if they don't object on a theoretical level to you knowing that they have sex, they take measures to prevent you from knowing when and how.  If they are using porn or engaging in Weird Sex Stuff, they actively try to keep this secret from you - even beyond the point where they're not keeping the fact that they have sex secret.

(All of which is the right thing to do, of course.  In our culture, it would be considered abuse for such specifics of their parents' sexuality to be inflicted upon kids.  If your kids don't know about your Weird Sex Stuff, you're doing your job right.)

So basically, the people who say "Kids Today think they invented sex!" are contemptuous of their kids for enjoying the novelty of a new experience that, for as long as they have been aware of it, has been hyped as the ultimate human experience, while also dissing their kids for not assuming they have been doing the very thing that, to do their job as a parent in our culture, they've been trying to conceal from their kids their whole lives.

How self-absorbed is that!