Another scripting option for Captain Awkward #1189

Captain Awkward #1189:

Dear Captain Awkward,

I’ve met somebody lovely and we’re getting married in the summer. (My pronouns: she/her, my fiancee’s: they/them) I’m thrilled to celebrate with all my family and friends…except one person.

My uncle has mainlined Fox News for longer than I’ve been alive and has selected me, his queer, liberal niece, as a prime audience for his rants. He’s also an aggressive alcoholic who has sent me crude conservative memes on Facebook.

If it were just me involved, I’d probably invite him and assign somebody to make sure he couldn’t make trouble (or have too many drinks). But I’m marrying a Latinx immigrant, exactly the sort of person he spent my entire childhood ranting about. Our wedding is going to be catered by a taco truck. I don’t want him to say something horrible to my fiancee’s family.

I can’t invite him. My father is lecturing me on forgiveness. My mother is brokenhearted and fears this will cause a rift in the family which can never be repaired. My uncle is a proud man and will quite probably never forgive me. But the whole point of a wedding is that I’m starting my own family – and I refuse to have our first day as family marred by somebody who hates the very idea of my future in-laws.

I’m not always a forgiving person but I think this is a very reasonable boundary. Am I wrong? Is there compromise to be had? And how do I stand it throughout the months until the wedding, fighting this invitation fight over and over again with everyone my mother recruits to talk to me about it?

-Wish We’d Eloped

In addition Captain Awkward's excellent advice, another scripting option is "I'm sure Uncle wouldn't enjoy this event."

The immediate reply would almost certainly be something to the effect that you should invite him anyway and let him decide, or that they're sure he'd want to go because he (allegedly) loves you. 

And your response to this is "Oh no, I wouldn't want him to feel pressured or obligated to go to an event where he would so clearly be unhappy."

At this point, you can also enumerate evidence that he'd be unhappy.  "I mean, given X that he posted on Facebook just yesterday, and his big rant about A, B, and C last time I saw him, and . . . " (you can go on to the point of tedium here if you'd like.)

At this point, your interlocutor might say "Oh, he doesn't mean it!" Then you can get into the fact that you're treating Uncle with the basic human respect of not assuming he's constantly lying.


Should you have to make it all about Uncle's comfort and happiness? Of course not! It's your wedding, you're totally allowed to make it all about what you want and not invite Uncle solely on the grounds that you don't want to!

But sometimes it can be strategic - and harder to argue with - to frame your choices as being for the benefit of another party, so I'm putting it out there in case it's of use to anyone.