How to confuse people

If you're ever on a TV show that beeps profanity, use profanity in the middle of your sentences in a way that doesn't make sense. Use swear words as key nouns or verbs in the sentence (as opposed to as interjections that can easily be glossed over) but structure the sentence so that no swear word could possibly make sense in that place in the sentence. Then people at home receiving the beeped version will be scratching their heads trying to figure out what you said.

It's also an interesting intellectual exercise to try to create a sentence where no swear word can possibly fit in.

So what's the problem here?

Neither the two of three blocked or illegal exits aided our sortie, nor the half-dozen unhelpful people who had no clue how to reach Highway 400...In Ottawa on a separate trip, two citizens and a police officer were more than happy to offer their time.

Sounds to me like in Toronto six people were happy to offer their time, they just didn't know how to get to the 400. That's not unhelpful, that's just...carfree.

End of summer

Labour Day weekend is commonly considered the end of summer, and with this end I'm feeling a sort of dread. I don't know why. There was nothing particularly special about this summer - life just went on as usual. But as I've been waking up to darkness rather than a view of the sunrise these past few days, I'm feeling like the fall and upcoming long winter months portend nothing but gloom.

Part of this is sartoral. I'm going through an "OMG, I have NO CLOTHES!" phase, which is unfortunately coinciding with my weight being at its peak and my bank account being at its nadir. Both go through cyclical phases. I lose weight until my body starts screaming "FAT!!!! FEED ME FAT!!!!" Then I give into my cravings until I gain a dress size and my body bloats in protest at the slightest indulgence. This is where I am right now. And my bank account is going to be a bit low until I get a three-pay month in October (I think), so I'd best do without new clothes until then. Shallow as it is, it always makes me feel frumpy and unpleasant to go about life in clothes that don't make me feel good. I do have damn good boots though, as soon as it gets cool enough to wear boots.

Part of this is guilt. I've been feeling kind of guilty for not continually taking classes after I finished university, and back-to-school time just reminds me of that But frankly, I can't imagine how I managed to fit it into my schedule. I feel full now! Also, what time I do spend goofing off is generally spent with something that makes me laugh. An hour of goofing off means an hour of laughter, and that can only be healthy.

But beyond this, there's still a feeling of dread. Like something bad is going to happen as it gets cold and dark, because it's getting cold and dark. I can't imagine why though. I am now in the lightest surroundings, both physically and spirit-ly (I don't quite mean spiritually, but the best noun I can find to form this adjective is spirit), that I've ever been in. This will be the first winter when I can drink my morning coffee in a pool of sunlight. This will be my first winter with the complete works of Monty Python, Eddie Izzard (despite Poodle's best efforts to get me onto him earlier), and Whose Line at my fingertips. This is the first year when my brain has been able to handle listening to music while doing draft translation (on familiar topics that don't require in-depth research), which does ease the mental effort of working all day. (What would be awesome is if I ever develop the ability to listen to stand-up comedy while translating. This sounds impossible now, but a year ago listening to music with lyrics was impossible, and two years ago working on a post-insomnia day or through strep throat was impossible.) So I have more tools than ever before to get through any impending psychological darkness, and yet I still have this lurking premonition that it's going to be a difficult winter. I have no idea why.

Signs I'm too much of a geek

I'm watching an episode of the old Batman TV series (which may be a sign I'm too much of a geek in and of itself). The bad guy has a Robin Hood theme, and in his villaneous lair he has a guillotine. My reaction: "But that's historically inaccurate!"

I can't think of a good title for this

Just start here and read forward, and be sure to click on all the links - it's a widespread thing.

If I were clever, I'd jump in and play along in character, but I've never been any good at that sort of thing.

19th century medical science

According to things I've read/seen on TV lately, 19th century medical science believed the following:

- Women will become infertile if they learn how to type
- Women who are given chloroform as an anesthetic during childbirth may become sexually aroused.

I wonder what medical science believes today that will sound equally ridiculous 150 years from now?

How adult are you?

I am 92% adult

Love 89%
Sex 89%
Leadership 89%
Problem Solving 100%
Physical Abilities 44%
Verbal & Math Skills 100%
Interpersonal Skills 100%
Handling Responsibility 100%
Managing High Risk Behaviors 100%
Managing Work & Money 100%
Education 89%
Personal Care 100%
Self Management 89%
Citizenship 89%

Then I fiddled with the questions to see where I lost points.

I lost points on love because I agreed that true love lasts forever. I think we're quibbling over semantics here because part of my definition of true love is that it lasts forever. (I suppose we could also quibble over the definition of the word "lasts".)

I lost points on sex because I said a woman can get pregnant at any point in her menstual cycle. While I know that you can only get pregnant while ovulating, I was taking it as a given that you can't necessarily tell if you're ovulating, and therefore protection is required throughout your cycle. I think perhaps they're thinking from a trying-to-conceive perspective rather than a childfree perspective.

I lost points on leadership because I suck at negotiating.

I lost points on physical ability because my body is crap. (Although I do find myself questioning what that category is doing here - if you're deaf or paralyzed, you're still an adult).

I lost points on education because I disagreed that higher grades pay off with more salary and opportunities. I answered this way because it reflects my experience - people care about my credentials, not my grades. However, this might also be because when I think "high grades", I think getting 95% as opposed to 85%, while they might be thinking getting 85% as opposed to 49%.

I lost points on self-management because I don't keep a to-do list. Because I don't need one - I can remember stuff.

I lost points on citizenship because I didn't know you need a college degree to be an officer in the military. As this is an American quiz and I'm a Canadian pacifist, I don't consider this a liability.

I also found some of the questions weren't clear about how much ability they wanted from you. Can I strike up a conversation with someone? If there is something that needs to be talked about, of course! If we're in an elevator together for 2 minutes, sure! But if I'm seated next to a stranger for 2 hours, there are going to be awkward silences.

Another of the questions was something like if you couldn't take care of yourself, would you know where to go for help? Well, I'd know where to go for a referral - I'd call my family doctor (I don't know why I call her that when I'm the only one in the family she's a doctor for) or Telehealth, but I wouldn't know what the next step is.

The question on whether you can be spiritual without being part of an organized religion I answered entirely based on hearsay, since I seem congenitally incapable of spiritually. I don't know whether they expect me to know firsthand, but I don't.

Also, two of the questions are do you know how to write a cheque, and do you know how to write and send a letter. I think these are quickly becoming obsoleted. If you're, say, 11 years old today and for some reason you don't know how to write a cheque or mail a letter, that may not prove a liability by the time you reach adulthood.

Things They Should Invent: extreme long-term education planning

I think when they need to make massive changes to the basic structure of public education, they should do so in the extreme long term, so that the children it will affect haven't been born yet. Then parents or potential parents can plan their families to avoid having their children affected by the changes, if they so choose.

I first thought of this for the double cohort. Instead of eliminating OAC for students who were already in the school system, they should have made it at 20-year plan. Then in 1995*, for example, they could have told parents, "The double cohort will affect students born in 1997* and 1998*" and parents could have made an informed decision on whether or not to have children who will be affected by the double cohort. Of course, some students would still be affected for various reasons, but perhaps enough family planning would take place that the impact of the double cohort would be reduced.

*All these years are made up - I don't remember the precise timing

Now it just occurred to me that they could do the same thing about eliminating public funding for Catholic schools. (Yes, I do think this is inevitable - I thought so even back when I was Catholic.) They could announce now in 2007 that publicly-funded Catholic education will be available to all children born up to, say, December 31, 2017, and then it will be eliminated. That would give people the opportunity to plan and/or complete their families (yes, the combination of family planning plus Catholic education is far more common than you might expect) to ensure that all their kids get a Catholic education, and wouldn't pull the rug out from under any existing students. And people who still want a Catholic education for their children but won't be able to have said children before the end of 2017 will have plenty of time to come up with a contingency plan.

Behind the scenes of Python

I'm reading Michael Palin's diaries, and I just read about filming this sketch (sorry, can't find a Youtube). It seems that he stopped traffic to cross the bridge using the authority vested in him by is policeman costume. There weren't any production peope off camera controlling the flow of traffic or anything, instead Michael just held up his hand and the cars stopped for him!

Just because it's statistically improbable doesn't make it trivial

I have a kind of personal confession to make. There's something in my sexual history that's apparently rather unusual. Some of you may have guessed this by now - I have alluded to before - but I've never stated it outright until now because I do prefer to be rather circumspect about my private life. But to make the point I want to make today, I'm going to have to just come out and say it bluntly:

I am 26 years old. I am not a virgin. I have never been married. And I have never, not once in my life, had an STD or even an STD scare.

I know, I didn't think it was that wild either. But apparently this is highly statistically unlikely, and epidemiology doesn't think or doesn't care that I exist.

That's why articles like this piss me off. So much of the discourse surrounding the HPV vaccine focuses on who is statistically likely to have had HPV, to the extent of ignoring people who haven't had it despite their demographics, and even being dismissive of the desire to avoid it even if you are statistically likely to have had it.

"The vast majority of those who have had skin-to-skin contact in a sexual experience, heterosexual, lesbians, whatever, have already had it, cleared it and gone on with their lives," says Abby Lippman, an epidemiologist at McGill University and chair of the Canadian Women's Health Network.

So maybe they have had it, treated it, and gotten on with their lives. Maybe it really isn't a big deal and can in fact be spoken of so dismissively. But I wouldn't know because I haven't had it, and I'd like very much to stay that way. The fact that the majority of people in my demographic group have had it doesn't mean that I should have to accept it as inevitable. Just because everyone in the office has a cold doesn't mean that I shouldn't keep washing my hands. Just because my fertility is statistically likely to have peaked doesn't mean that I shouldn't keep abreast of new developments in birth control. And just because I'm statistically likely to have had HPV doesn't mean that my desire to avoid it is trivial.

One of my standards for safe sex is that all parties must have full STD testing before any sex occurs. Thing is, HPV is the big hole in this line of defence. HPV doesn't show up in a blood test. The only way to tell if you have it is if you have genital warts. However, people can carry it and even transmit it without showing any symptoms whatsoever. So it's quite possible to do everything right, get every test humanly possible, and still not know that you're carrying HPV. But by making me immune to HPV, Gardasil fills the vast majority of that hole in my defences. For me, this is huge! It might not be statistically significant in the world as a whole, but to me it represents probably the most major breakthrough possible in terms of my sexual health.

So please, stop trivializing it, and stop trying to change policy to make it harder for us to get the vaccine. For those of us who've never had it, it is a major thing.

Alpha

A Globe and Mail fluff piece on so-called alpha females.

Putting aside for a moment the journalistic worth of the piece, the problem is that the behaviour they're describing isn't alpha. It's self-sufficient and competent, to be sure. This wide range of life skills isn't nothing - I can't do half this stuff (although I've deliberately arranged my life so I don't have to - I don't know whether I gain or lose points for that). But it isn't alpha. Alpha implies dominance over something or someone. And being able to maintain your own household and possessions has nothing to do with that.

Also, I take exception to this quote: The bigger question, Dr. Heald says, is: "Why are women in 2007 growing up with the idea that someone is going to do half the work?"

Thing is, I don't think they are. Everyone quoted in this article is well over 40. They grew up well before 2007. If you're going to make a sweeping statement about women growing up in 2007, find some women who are actually growing up in 2007.

I'm close to that age group (a bit older) and as I take mental inventory of all the opposite-sex couples I know in my age cohort, I can think of maybe one case where the man began living independently before the woman. (And in that case, the man is older enough to be significant.) In some cases they both began living independently at the same time, but in the majority of cases the woman began living independently first. I'm not claiming this is a significant social trend or anything, but it is what I observe watching young adults around me - which is more than the article did before making a sweeping statement about this generation.

Childish gloating

Today I saw my first abortion protest. I've gone past them in cars before, but this is the first time I encountered one as a pedestrian. It's weird, because there is nothing whatsoever to do with abortion at that particular location.

So I walked up looking rather glum, and read with interest the literature they gave me (featuring giant pictures of mangled bloody babies). Then my face lit up. "You know what? This is exactly what I need!" I gleefully announced to the lady who had handed me the pamphlet. Then I gushed enthusiastically about how wonderful medical science is until the light changed and I bounced my way across the street.

I've always wanted to do that.

Honey badgers

These badgers are covered in bees! Poke them with a spoon!

Quick, someone call the girl police and file a report

What I love about my ipod is I'm rediscovering music that I've inadvertently set aside for ages. Today it's Little Plastic Castle.

People talk about my image
Like I come in two dimensions
Like lipstick is a sign
Of my declining mind.

And what I happen to be wearing
The day that someone takes a picture
Is my new statment
For all of womankind.

I wish I'd had that in my active rotation back when people were trying to make a role model of me!

Thinking outside the box

This might just be my favourite Post Secret ever

Conspiracy theory, anyone?

The Cancer Society recently issued a sweeping recommendation that people take 1,000 IU of vitamin D every day to prevent certain types of cancer. This recommendation is interesting, because it was worded much more definitively than the usual cancer announcements. I did some research, and it seems that the vitamin D will almost certainly not hurt (apparently you'd need 40,000 IU a day to overdose), so I actually started doing it myself because it's so easy and they seem so certain it will help.

But what if vitamin D doesn't help at all? What if it's just a massive placebo?

It's easy to convince people that they don't get enough vitamin D, what with living and working indoors and wearing clothes. Plus taking vitamin D is easy enough - the pills are small and inexpensive (I paid like $7 for 250 doses). It's not difficult or a major lifestyle adjustment, like quitting smoking or getting an hour of cardio a day or eating 12 servings of leafy green vegetables. I just have to pop one tiny pill in the morning with my birth control and my multi, and, voila, I've prevented cancer.

So what if they just had a big strokey-beard meeting, identified the supplement that would make the easiest and most convincing placebo, and launched a massive campaign to convince people that if they take this one supplement, they won't get cancer? And then maybe cancer rates will drop because of the placebo effect?

You scream, somebody shoots you...

Banning panhandling

Some panhandlers allegedly murdered some guy. So they're talking about banning panhandling in response to this.

It just occurred to me that they've already banned murder.

Open Letter to Fido

Dear Fido,

I recently received what I believe is a phishing email disguised as a pretty authentic-looking email from you. As I am, in fact, a customer of yours, I wanted to forward it to you so you could do something about it, but I can't find any email addresses on your website. Yes, there are forms, and yes, I generally do prefer forms when contacting customer service. However, to forward a phishing email I need an email address. Since you don't provide any email addresses, I can't do anything about it.