Why introverts find social interaction draining

When I was googling information on introversion recently, I found a number of comments from extroverts who simply could not fathom how introverts can find social interaction draining. I've been mulling this over, and I think I can explain. However, it requires a triple analogy. Please note that this is for casual acquaintances and strangers only - the dynamic is somewhat different for intimates, as I'll explain after I've presented the analogies.

Picture how you'd feel in each of these situations:

1. You're not at all hungry, but you're in a situation where you're being offered food and it would be rude to refuse.
2. You're a performer in a musical theatre extravaganza, but you've only seen your own lines, score, and choreography, and haven't rehearsed at all.
3. You're engaging in a sex act that will give your partner an orgasm, but cannot possibly give you an orgasm.

Imagine experiencing all these feeling simultaneously, and you've got how an introvert feels when interacting socially with casual acquaintances and strangers.

I will elaborate:

1. Being offered food when you're not hungry

Maybe you're just standard "not hungry", maybe you've just finished a big meal and you're trying to figure out how to discreetly loosen your pants. At any rate, if you were left to your own devices it certainly wouldn't occur to you to seek out food, and if there were a plate of food in front of you, you'd have no particular need to take a nibble. However, you're in a delicate social situation where it would be rude to refuse, so you take some food. Maybe it's really good, maybe it's mediocre, maybe it's disgusting. Maybe you have a bite and you feel okay you didn't particularly need it, maybe it's just too much and the thought of taking more nauseates you, maybe it's surprisingly good and you wouldn't mind having more when you're hungry, but you're really kind of full now. Eating the food may be more enjoyable than you thought, or nauseatingly difficult, or just meh, but the fact is that you didn't need it, and if you hadn't been offered any food you wouldn't be missing it.

The food is social interaction. Introverts very rarely need social interaction. Personally, I don't start wishing for social interaction until I've gone about five days without any human contact, and then an hour on ICQ with a close friend will take the edge off so I can function. When I do have social interaction it may be good, bad, or neutral, and I may have the energy to handle it just fine or I may be absolutely exhausted and desperately looking for an out. If it's exceptionally good, I might come out feeling better, but if it's bad or neutral I'll come out feeling worse. Whatever the result, I didn't go into the situation needing or wanting social interaction, and if there had been no social interaction I wouldn't miss it.

2. You're on stage and you've only seen your part of the script

You've only seen your own lines, and don't know what your cues are going to be. You have the sheet music for your own songs, but you don't know if it's a solo or if you're in the chorus. You have your own choreography and stage directions, but you don't know who or what else is going to be on the stage. Oh, and the pages of all this material are not numbered, so you're not sure if you have it in the right order. You've never rehearsed - you don't even know what the plot is or who your character is - and then you're thrust on stage and you have to improvise.

Casual social interaction does not come naturally to introverts. Because I don't need it, I can't just apply "Do unto others," as my golden rule instincts are telling me that social interaction would be unwelcome. So, to produce the requisite small-talk, it's constant improvisation, constant self-monitoring, constant thinking on my feet. I have a small corpus to work with, but I have to stay on my toes and consciously decide how the material I have fits into my current situation. For example, here's my background train of thought as I ride the elevator with a colleague:

"The back of my bra is riding up - will anyone see if I pull it back down? What's she saying? Oh, she's mentioned that she moved. An appropriate follow-up question would be to ask her where she moved to. Oops, now I'm in the very front of the elevator and the people behind me will need to get off first. How can I tell who wants to get off first? Which way should I step? She moved to Brampton? Why would anyone move there? What do I say in response to that? Oops, sorry lady, didn't mean to stand right in front of you, I wasn't sure which way I was supposed to step. Brampton, no, I've never actually been to Brampton. What can I say now? What's Brampton like? Okay, if I stand over here in the corner and let her off the elevator first, then I can pull the back of my bra down before I leave the elevator."

And it's like this all the time, whenever I'm doing any social interaction. I can't just talk mindlessly, (I've heard that extroverts can - is that true?) I have to work at it.

3. You're doing a sex act that cannot possibly give you an orgasm

Maybe you enjoy giving your partner pleasure but you don't particularly care for the act itself, maybe you're doing it out of duty, maybe it's kind of fun although certainly not orgasmic. At any rate, your partner is going to have an orgasm, but you're not. It simply does not stimulate the areas that need to be stimulated to give you an orgasm. And, because of the complexity of the act, there is no way for you to apply a little bit of friction to help yourself along without neglecting your partner.

Social interaction gives extroverts what Marti Olsen Laney calls "Hap Hits" - brain chemical reaction thingies that make you feel good. (There's a far more grownup explanation in her book, but I never took psych or biology, so my understanding of the science falls just short of being able to explain it to others. It is somehow related to dopamine.) Introverts don't get this. Maybe I'm doing my social interaction out of duty, maybe I'm glad it's entertaining the other people, maybe it's even fun, but it is not going to give me Hap Hits. I get my Hap Hits from being alone, without too much stimulation, and just being able to think. I get into a sort of calm and happy place, and then I can mull things over and think of new ideas and spontaneously solve translation problems that are sitting on my desk at work. (If you've been reading a while, you've probably noticed my Things They Should Invent - they come from this happy introvert place. So did this intricate analogy.) However, I can't do this while engaging in social interaction, and I can rarely do it while out in public (unless I'm in a situation where I'm sitting quietly and am not required to interact with or be observed by others). Just talking to others or determining whether I need to talk to others or walking down a busy street without getting in anyone's way stimulates too much of my brain, and I can't get to my happy place because there's too much else going on. While social interaction gives extroverts their Hap Hits, it actually prevents me from getting mine. Which is fine, (after all, you can't be having an orgasm every minute of the day) but it's never actually going to be stimulating.

Added bonus analogy: Let's go back to the sex act that gives your partner an orgasm but cannot give you one:

Partner: Hey, you know what? You should have an orgasm while we're going this! It's a lot more fun that way!

You: I can't, this doesn't stimulate the right parts of my body. If we do something else I can have an orgasm, but not while we're going this.

Partner: Come on, you just need to make an effort! Anyone can have an orgasm while doing this if they only put their mind to it!

You: No, actually it's physically impossible for me to have an orgasm while we're doing this. See the how my body is positioned? See how your body is positioned? See how all the parts of both our bodies that could possibly stimulate me, as well as the bedposts and the sex toys and the various other bedroom accoutrements are all fully occupied with stimulating you, and cannot possibly be reassigned to stimulate me in a way that would lead to orgasm without ceasing to stimulate you and completely changing the nature of this surprisingly intricate sex act.

Partner: No, if I can have an orgasm while engaging in this specific sex act, anyone can, including you! It's all your fault that you're not - if you were less stubborn and more open-mined, you'd be having an orgasm to! In fact, how dare you not have an orgasm for the sole purpose of spiting me!

This is what it's like when extroverts try to convince introverts that they need to work at becoming more extroverted.

So, in summary: Under most circumstances, introverts have no particular need for social interaction, it's hard work that requires constant effort and doesn't allow us to let our guard down for a minute, and it doesn't give us Hap Hits and prevents us from doing things that do give us Hap Hits. Even if it is a pleasant social interaction, the net effect is still draining.

So how's it different for close friends?

1. I'm still not hungry, but my close friends are the food that I have cravings for. The closer the friend, the stronger the craving. If I'm on my period and I've had a rough day, I'm probably craving Lays Salt & Vinegar Chips, and I'll eat any available unless I'm painfully full. You're probably sitting there saying "But I'm good food too!" You may well be. Maybe you're the best sushi in the world. But I'm not craving sushi, I'm craving Salt & Vinegar. Maybe if I eat some sushi I'll start developing cravings for it, but most likely I won't since I have all the craveable foods I need, as I have all the friends I need. So as it stands, I'm full, so I don't want to eat your sushi - not even the best sushi in the world - because then I won't have any room for Salt & Vinegar (i.e. I'll be too tired and cranky to be civil company for mi cielito.)

2. I still don't know the plot of the play, but my close friends are very good at doing improv with me. We've performed together before and gotten quite used to each others styles. They know how to cue me without breaking character. If I mess up, they use their l33t impr0v sk1llz to smoothly incorporate my gaffes into the performance. You're probably sitting there saying "But I know how to improv too!" and I'm sure you do - I always depend on everyone else's improv skills to get me through the performance - but my friends and I have worked together longer and it's much easier for me to work with them.

3. I'm still not going to have an orgasm doing this, but mi cielito knows how to make me feel good. He knows certain ways to touch me that aren't orgasmic, but are still rather happy and tingly. He knows my secret fantasy scenarios. He knows that if we do this one thing before and this other thing after, I'll enjoy the nonorgasmic sex act a lot more. Similarly, my close friends know how to keep me from getting overwhelmed, they're used to my sense of humour and the way I think so I can just blurt out anything that comes to mind without having to worry about whether it's appropriate small talk, and I can back off or zone out as needed without having to worry that they'll get offended or start thinking something's wrong with me. You're probably sitting there saying "But I want to help make the social experience good for you too!" I'm sure you do, but you don't know how. Your intentions may well be good, you may well have had experience with other introverts, but you aren't used to me. Just as there's going to be a bit of fumbling around the first few times you have sex with a new lover, even the most well-intentioned interlocutor is not going to make the experience as pleasant for me as a good friend.

Most interaction with close friends is still draining, but they know how to make it pleasant enough that it's worth being drained. On very rare occasions, it can be not draining - that's why when I say "Being with mi cielito is just like being alone," it is the highest compliment - it means that he can overcome the most basic aspects of my neurology and make what is normally a draining experience into a stimulating experience.

Embryo adoption disgusts me

People should not be allowed to adopt embryos until there are no children waiting to be adopted. Why? Because embryos can wait. They're frozen. They can't feel pain or emotional distress. They don't know that they're just sitting there, parentless.

However, real-life children who have already been born and have not been adopted know that their birth parents didn't want them or couldn't take care of them, know that they don't have a forever home. Every day that they're not adopted is another day when they know that no one "really" wants them.

How on earth can a person, knowing that there are all these kids waiting for adoption out there, all of whom (except perhaps the very youngest) know that they're waiting for adoption, instead choose to adopt an embryo, which doesn't care whether it's adopted now or later and, even if it is never adopted and has to be destroyed, won't be able to feel any pain? Sickening.

Problem

The good: Health Canada just approved the HPV vaccine

The bad: It's only approved for women up to the age of 26, and it's administered over the course of six months. I am 25 years and 7 months old :(

The question: How do I get around this?

Musings

Have you ever had someone who you didn't know very well, but really admired? Like everything they did seemed so incredibly cool, and you wanted to be like them when you grew up, and you thought they could handle any situation with complete sangfroid and aplomb?

Have you ever then seen them do something really stupid? Like incredibly, unbelievably stupid and distasteful? And you're just sort of there staring that them, aghast, agog, dumbfounded, thinking "But aren't you supposed to be better than that?"

That's how I feel about the current situation in the Middle East.

The greatest luxury ever

The air in my apartment is cool. I have no idea what the temperature is in here because I have the least accurate thermostat ever, but it is more comfortable than strictly necessary. I could wear long pants or have a hot shower or a cup of coffee or put a cover over myself to sleep, and I would still be perfectly comfortable.

If you asked me what my career goal is, this is it. This is why I work. This is why I put up with the early mornings and the traumatic texts and the boring texts and the tight deadlines and the impossible subject matter - so I can be cool and comfortable in obscene summer weather.

New Rule

If you say "It's a privilege, not a right," about something that actually is a legal right, you forfeit that right during the next situation where you normally benefit from it.

Why I don't talk to strangers

The Globe and Mail's David MacFarlane laments the fact that people in Toronto do not engage with strangers.

Well, Mr. MacFarlane, I cannot speak for anyone else, but I'm going to explain why I, personally, do not initiate social contact with you, personally.

1. I'm not going to smile or make eye contact or initiate any socializing with you, personally, because you are a strange man. In my experience, strange men tend to take any smile or eye contact from a young woman as a sign of interest. I am taken and do not wish to lead anyone on. Perhaps you wouldn't misconstrue my overtures - perhaps you're happily married or happily gay - but I have no way of knowing that, and it's simply not worth the risk. My existing social circle serves all my social needs, so it's no inconvenience to me whatsoever if I lose out on a nice friendship or a decent acquaintanceship, but it is a significant inconvenience to me if a strange man thinks I'm interested when I'm not.

2. But let's take your observations into the abstract. Why don't I engage people in general? Mostly it's because I have no reason to. I have nothing productive or helpful or informative or interesting or amusing to say to the vast majority of people I encounter. There is simply no benefit that could come from my interrupting their daily activities and train of thought. If I feel a silence might be perceived as awkward, perhaps while waiting for the elevator or something, I'll make an attempt at small talk, but if I can't think of any decent small talk I'll keep my mouth shut rather than blabbling pointlessly. If there is something specific that you want me to say, ask me about it, and I'll answer as long as you don't come across as too creepy. (If you want me to chat with people my instincts say are creepy, that right there explains why people aren't engaging with you.) But honestly, I'm not sitting here full of twelve kinds of brilliant amusement that I'm witholding from you out of spite - I just cannot see any reason why a stranger would want to talk to me, so I don't go around imposing myself on strangers, instead letting them get on with whatever important things they're doing.

3. But maybe the average person is more interesting than me, and what they have to say might be of interest to random strangers. Do you want them to talk to everyone? I counted once - I cross paths with 100 people between my apartment and the subway. Then there's the a crowded subway car (where I'd really rather read), and I'd estimate anywhere from 10 to 50 people between the subway and my office, depending on the timing. I'm close to a good 10-20 people when I go to get my lunch (including elevator rides, waiting in line, etc.). If I go grocery shopping after work I enounter 50-100 people in the store, and then another 100 on the walk home from the store. And, being a creature of habit, I'd say at least 25% of these people are "regulars", whom I see quite often. That's a lot of people. Imagine trying to engage with that many people! Imagine how difficult it would be to go about your everyday life if that many people tried to engage with you! It's simply not feasible. The odds suck - that's simply a fact of city life. If you don't like that, you might be more comfortable in a small town.

In the meantime, if you want to know what I have to say, you can read my blog at your leisure. If you have some information you think I could use, feel free to tell me. If you need help and you think I can help you, feel free to ask. But, to the best of my knowledge, I have nothing to gain from engaging with you, nothing to contribute that makes it worth inconveniencing you, and dozens, if not hundreds of people just like you that I encounter every day. I am not talking to you because there is no benefit to anyone and it's quite likely inconvenient for everyone. If this is not the case, you must let me know on an ad hoc basis.

Clever multimedia crossover thingy of the moment

The plot in this week's Luann (start here and read forward) is playing out in parallel on MySpace - with audience participation!

Guardian Angels

I don't trust the Guardian Angels. I've been trying for several days to articulate why, but I'm afraid I can't get any more specific than "my instincts say so." My every instinct tells me that they are not to be trusted, that they (more the individuals than the organization) must have some ulterior motive. I've been doing research, reading all the news articles, and all I can come up with is the vagueness of their modus operandi.

1. Walk around in red outfits
2. ?????
3. Profit! Stop crime!

(Aside: I wear a lot of red and I live in a low-crime neighbourhood. Hmmm...) It seems to me that if their intentions were pure, they would be more specific about what exactly they do, how exactly they're going to stop crime.

However, this vague methodology is only part of why I don't trust them, and I can't seem to articulate the rest of it except to say that my every instinct is screaming that they are not to be trusted. If the Guardian Angels were a man sitting next to me on the subway, I would get off at the next stop and wait for the next train. If I saw them walking down the street, I would cross over to the other side. If they were walking behind me, I would duck into the next store that had security cameras. Essentially, their presence would make me feel less safe than I do now, but unfortunately I can't articulate this further except to say that it's coming from my "Gift of Fear" instincts, which have always served me well, are telling me so.

Fun fact

A number of times in my life, various people in various contexts have done something that I didn't like, or made me do something that I didn't like, and said "You'll thank me later."

So far, I have never felt thankful towards any of them.

Why I wouldn't want to become an extrovert

Googling for introversion, I stumbled upon a blog post asking if you would take a magic pill to become an extrovert if such a thing were available.

While I'll admit the magic pill would be convenient on an as-needed basis, mostly so I could network and stuff, the idea of being extroverted all the time is repulsive to me. Why? Because if I were extro, I'd get bored being alone in my apartment! That idea just seems so...ADD, so childish, so completely lacking in inner resources. I wouldn't think of any new ideas, because I would get bored with just sitting and thinking! That just doesn't seem like any kind of life I want to live.

Separated at birth?

Here we have Robert Novak (the guy on the right), who is apparently a conservative commentator in the US. I hadn't heard of him before, but he was in the newspaper today.

Here we have Chase Talbott III, a Doonesbury character who happens to be a gay conservative commentator.

Anyone else see the resemblance?

Puppies!

Here's the puppy commercial! My favourite is still the little guy who can't get up the stairs because he's too little!

How to destroy the men's scented toiletry industry

I find some recent advertising for men's scented toiletries un peu misogynist, so I came up with a simple plan to inflict ruin upon the entire industry. You know, just in case anyone has a bit of spare time on their hands or something. :)

Ladies: Your job is to familiarize yourself with the scents of the new men's toiletries that are constantly being advertised. Then when you smell that scent on a guy, you wrinkle your nose as though you've caught a whiff of something unpleasant, then slowly and casually back away from the wearer, as though you're trying to tactfully avoid him. Bonus points for casually asking "Did you come here straight from the gym?" at an appropriate time in the conversation. If the scent is on a guy with whom you already have an established relationship, reply to his overtures by asking if he'd like to freshen up a bit first. However, be completely responsive to his overtures, and initiate your own, if he's unscented at the moment. If you notice a scented toiletry product in among your gentleman friend's toiletries, casually pick up the bottle and smell it, then say "Oh, THAT'S what that smell is! I thought it was a BO problem [or, if you're feeling particularly daring, a bladder/bowel problem], but I couldn't think of how to bring it up tactfully!" Remember: no physical affection for scented men!

Gentlemen: Your job is much simpler. Familiarize yourselves with the scents, and then sashay up to anyone wearing those scents, and purr beguilingly "Why, whatever is that bewitching fragrance?"

At the drugstore: Are you in a store where these products are being sold? Are there people shopping for these products? Is there at least one man and at least one woman in your party? If so, then you walk up to the products under the pretence that one or more of the men in your party is shopping for a something that will make him smell sexy. Man: "Oooh, this is sexy! Smell it, what do you think?" Woman: "Ewww! Get that away from me!" [gags, turns green, covers mouth, holds nose, etc.]

The flaw in this plan is the ethically dubious use of heterosexism to combat misogyny. I have not yet decided whether this is justified by the fact that the misogyny is also heterosexist.

How do you not know that war is hell?

It's all over the news that the latest Canadian soldier to be killed was not happy with military life. Apparently they were overworked and undersupplied, and he didn't expect that.

How does that happen?

I'm not saying this to get all blamosaurus on the deceased, I just think we need to seriously examine how it happens that someone enters the military without knowing it's going to be hell.

Did he somehow never get exposed to the fact that it's hell? Never saw a rerun of MASH or any of the war movies produced within his lifetime? Glossed over WWI in his history class? Or did he have the idea that it's hell, and then get talked out of it by recruiters? Or was he just one of those over-optimistic people who insists on looking only at the bright side of everything and brushes off the negative?

What kind of situation leads to a grown adult not expecting military service to be hell, and how can we avoid that in the future?

Open letter to all Toronto businesses

Thank you for posting a list of store locations on your website. This is extremely helpful. Thank you also for sorting your list into pre-amalgamation communities - I'm sure this is also quite helpful to many people. However, can I ask one small favour? Under "Toronto", please list all the locations in post-amalgamation Toronto. Sure, go ahead, keep listing them under community name too, nothing wrong with a bit of redundancy, but I also want the option of seeing every location in post-amalgamation TO.

Because of the logistics of my day-to-day life, the most convenient location for me might be in either the old city of Toronto or in North York, so I have to look at two separate pages/maps/lists/whatever to find the most convenient locations; if the list is divided into smaller communities I also have to click on Willowdale and Downsview and Don Mills and East York. That's quite a bit of clicking to find the most convenient location. Show me the whole city at once, and let me decide from there.

GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLL

During today's shootout, on almost all the shots, the goalie dove one way and the ball went the other way. Obviously this happens sometimes because the kicker feints or something, but it seemed to happen with surprising frequency today.

I haven't been watching that much World Cup this year because most games happen while I'm at the office so I don't have that big of a corpus to draw on, but is this normal? Most of the games I watch involve Germany, and German goalkeepers seem to be drawn to the ball like a magnet. Are my German goalies just exceptionally good, or was today's shootout an example of exeptionally poor goalkeeping?

Further ponderings on sociolinguistics in service of customer relations

I mentioned briefly in my epic post below that I would often use younger vocal patterns when working in fast food, because my customers seemed more comfortable with that.

When I'm shopping, I find that I'm generally more comfortable with salesmen whom I perceive to be gay, rhan with salesmen whom I perceive to be straight. I tend to lower my shields in the presence of gay. And, rational or not, if I'm shopping for clothes or shoes and cosmetics and I don't perceive the salesman to be gay, my shields are going up to maximum. Accordingly, I have also noticed that when I'm shopping for clothes or shoes or cosmetics, the majority of salesmen do come across as gay.

I have only discussed this with a few other women, but among my small sample group there is 100% consensus that gay is preferable at best and neutral at worst. This would suggest that there might be some benefit for a man working in sales of products intended for women to come across as gay.

So I wonder how many of these men are actually gay, and how many are affecting some gay inflections to put their customers at ease? Salespeople smile and say "Can I help you" and are generally friendly to put their customers at ease, so why not also adopt an inflection or two?

Young speech markers

The Star has an article on markers of young speech and how people interpret them. As I have most of these verbal tics myself, and most often use them very deliberately to communicate something specific, I thought I'd provide a handy translation reference.

So/such: "This chocolate is so good." "This is such good chocolate."

So/such is stronger than very. So means it's so good I'm enthusiastic about it. It's so adjective that emotions are involved. "She's a very good translator" means just that - she is more competent than average, but I'm surrounded by above-average people so I'm not impressed. "She is so good at medical translation," or "She is such a good translator," means I am rather in awe of her abilities.

Like: There are several distinct uses here.

"He's like, 'Are you kidding?'"

The implication of the quotative like is that I'm doing more than just quoting. I'm sort of acting out the role of the person I'm quoting. The person in question may or may not have said those exact words "Are you kidding?" but that is quite obviously what he meant. When I "quote" him using the quotative like, I use the vocal inflections and facial expressions that correspond with his "Are you kidding?" If I were to utter the sentence "He said, 'Are you kidding?'" I wouldn't be animated - there would be no vocal inflection or facial expressions." Note that "He goes..." can be used interchangeable with "He's like,..." in this context.

"He's like..." can also be used when nothing was uttered, to describe what the individual would have uttered if they had spoken. "I shook the baby's hand, and he was like, 'OMG, what just happened?'" Whether or not there was actually an utterance is usually clear by context. "He was all..." can be used interchangeably with "He was like..." in this nonverbal context.

"He weighed, like, 300 pounds."

This has two possible interpretations: He weighs approximately 300 pounds, or he is just heavy and the speaker is exaggerating for effect. I will distinguish between the two with two more examples:

"It costs, like, 20 dollars." It might cost $18 or $23, I don't remember exactly. The "like" tells you that I'm giving you a ballpark. In this case, I'm not too impressed with the 20 dollars - I'm waving my hand dismissively as I say it, with the corresponding tone of voice. However, people might also use this when they're impressed. "Condos in that building start at, like, two million!" That's a lot of money, so I'm impressed. The like means that it's approximate, but it also serves as a bit of a dramatic pause before I give you the big number.

"Under normal circumstances, Harry Potter would make a good teenage boyfriend, but as it stands he's too busy being, like, the messiah." While Harry Potter is, literally, "like the messiah," that's not what I mean here. In this case, the "like" introduces hyperbole or sarcasm or irony or some other literary technique. It's done entirely with tone of voice, so it varies greatly selon context. In "He weighed, like, 300 pounds!" the speaker is probably exaggerating to make the point that he's heavy. The "like" itself doesn't do this - you also need tone of voice and context. Note that sometimes (but not always!) the "like" can be replaced by "all." The "like" has to be verbally offset with commas, the "all" does not. Example: "The only person I know who's going to be at that wedding is the bride, and she's going to be busy all getting married." OR "...she's going to be busy, like, getting married."

All of these uses are very deliberate - I am choosing to use the word "like" to contribute something to the connotations of my sentence. However, I also use it as a verbal tic when I'm nervous, the same way other people would use "um". If I'm using it as an "um", the flow of my sentence is interrupted (not by deliberate pacing decisions) and I'm probably waving my hands around a bit too. Please note that when I use "like" when I'm trying to think of a word, it isn't a sign of deficient vocabulary, but rather a sign of introvert brain. I most likely know the word, it just isn't coming to me. I couldn't tell you whether or not this fumbling use of like applies to other people or if it's just something I do.

Upspeak: "Hi, I'd like to open a new account?"

Upspeak isn't, in and of itself, a sign of insecurity. It could be described as seeking approval, but not in the way they mean in the article. It is, in fact, a request for acknowledgement. It means "Are you following me?" or "Please confirm that you understand what I've said so far, so I know whether I need to make clarification or whether I can proceed with my next point." It might also mean I expect you to take the lead in the transaction - like if I've just walked into your bank and asked to open a new account. If I'm uncertain about my point, I'll make it clear to you by using words to that effect. If the tone of my speech rises towards the end of the sentence, it just means I am expecting you to say or do something, and am putting my next sentence on hold until I get the expected reaction. If I am actually feeling insecure, I am more inclined to control my upspeak, although I will still use it to request acknowledgement when necessary.

I'm likely to use a lot of upspeak if I'm trying to explain something to someone step by step. For example:

"So you look behind your toilet? And there's a pipe going from the wall to the toilet tank? And this pipe has a horizontal component and a vertical component? Now see the joint where the horizontal and the vertical meet? There's a nut on the vertical section, right at the joint? Now, are there any signs of damage on that nut?"

Some of these are questions, but most are requests for acknowledgement. I'm not going to go through the whole spiel unless I know that you're looking at your toilet and following what I'm saying. I'm absolutely confident in my description - I had a problem with that very part just last week - but I don't want to be asking you if the nut is damaged when you're still trying to locate the pipe I mean. A more pedestrian example of this is how I give my phone number: "416? 555? 1234." I upspeak the first two sections to make sure the person has them written down before I proceed to the next section.

So why would I use these speech markers when I know that older people take them as a sign of ditziness? I can circumlocute them in most cases (although I cannot entirely eliminate upspeak as a request for acknowledgement), but I often choose not to, for a number of possible reasons:

1. I'm comfortable around my interlocutor, so I'm acting naturally.
2. The situation requires deference on my part. I often made my voice and mannerisms more youthful when I was in working in fast food, because customers in that area seemed to have a need to feel superior to their local fast-food workers, and seemed to subconsciously take offence when I used my natural mannerisms. I also use youthful mannerisms in combination with puppy-head-tilt-confused question-asking when someone who "outranks" me is dead wrong, but it would be impolitic for me to say "You're wrong." Passive-aggressive, but effective. Luckily I'm still young enough to get away with this - I'll need a different strategy for when I get older.
3. I am ignorant, and want to exaggerate that fact. I often do this when dealing with things that I do not fully understand when I wish to maintain my interlocutor's goodwill. For example, I use this strategy when I have to call my superintendant on an emergency basis but I'm not 100% sure whether the problem requires immediate attention. "Sorry to bother you, but I have no idea how to fix it or what to do next! Oh, it's not a big emergency? I'm terribly sorry, I don't know anything about plumbing, I had no way of knowing!" My super is more likely to be forgiving about this when it's clear I'm ignorant but well-intentioned. If I eliminated all my youthful speech patterns when making this request, I'd come across as rather demanding, which isn't how I want to be perceived when I've just disturbed the super during off-hours. Same thing goes when I'm trying to get my dentist to explain the proposed treatment plan for the third time.
4. I am attempting to develop a rapport with my interlocutor by speaking to them as I do to a friend. This is the same idea as the customer-service theory that tells people to smile and address the customer by their first name. Just as I call my friends and contemporaries by their first name (and tutoyer them when speaking non-English languages), I use youthful speech patterns without hesitation. By doing so with my elders, I'm attempting to strengthen relationships by drawing them in as co-conspirators. I use this as a networking tool, just as I'd share a humorous anecdote or forward an interesting website.