Things They Should Invent: demographic poll of the kinds of people who answer polls

Have you ever seen a poll published in the newspaper and though "WhoTF answers these poll?"

Have you ever declined to answer when a poll called you up? Have you ever just not answered the phone when an unrecognized number came up on your call display?

They should have a research company call people up, say they're doing a poll, and then just poll demographic information. Then they should compare that information with the available census data to see if it is truly representative.

Imitations

Phil Jupitus imitates Eddie Izzard imitating Obi Wan Kenobi



Eddie Izzard imitates Michael Gaston imitating Christopher Walken



So now all we need is Christopher Walken imitating someone else imitating Phil Jupitus, and the circle of life will be complete.

I really need to blog more promptly

Lately I've been thinking that the real problem with the federal political situation is fixed election dates. If they didn't have fixed election dates, they could just call a bloody election instead of getting into these constant pissing matches trying to get each other to trigger an election.

So I've been thinking all this and not blogging about it, because, like, I'm lazy, and, like, it's far easier to post links and covet Sarah Polley's boots than to put together intelligent commentary on what I freely admit is an amateurish theory.

So today Norman Spector beat me to it. His commentary is, rightfully, much better than anything I could have put together, but I still would have liked to have beaten him to it.

So how was your morning?

My mascara is hardcore. Not just black but "Ultra Black", waterproof, the lengtheningist kind I can find (currently Rimmel Eye Magnifier, although I'm always looking to go even more extreme, so if you have something that you know is better I'll welcome any recommendations). One of the few advantages of being hirstute is that I can carry off the 60s TV actress look (in my mind...).

So anyway, I'm putting on my hardcore mascara when I think I see something drip off the brush. Don't be silly, mascara doesn't drip! And it's not like seeing strangely-moving floaters out the corner of my eye is unprecedented. So I keep doing my makeup, eat my breakfast, brush my teeth, get dressed, do my hair, and take a quick glance in the mirror before I dart out the door. Hmmmm, a bit shiny. So I grab my compact, powder my forehead, and quickly blend it with my fingers.

Suddenly, there's a giant black smudge across my forehead. Turned out a huge clump of mascara did drip off the brush (first time in 14 years of wearing makeup that that's ever happened!) and landed on my compact - and I'd put my hand right on it and then used it to blend my powder.

So I'm frantically washing my hands, trying to get the black off my forehead, running late for work...eventually I had to use eye makeup remover on my forehead then redo all the concealer and foundation on my forehead to look civilized again!

Why couldn't this at least happen on Ash Wednesday?

Wherein my latent insecurities hinder the natural dissemination of language

You know how sometimes you pick up the speech patterns of the people around you?

Whenever someone near me picks up on my speech patterns and starts using them, I always feel like they're making fun of me, then get cold at them.

I'm completely fucking up the natural spread of linguistic innovation, aren't I?

Mash-up of the moment

Amy Winehouse vs. Linda Ronstadt. Seriously, it works. Not only a good mash-up, but they mashed both the audios and the videos instead of just two audios or one audio with another video.

My letter to Dalton McGuinty and to my MPP

I am writing regarding your recent comments on the possibility of banning plastic bags at the LCBO.

I hope you get the chance to read this before passing any legislation, because you have an opportunity here to do something that will have an even better environmental impact than banning plastic bags: have the LCBO give out biodegradable bags.

As I'm sure you know, plastic bags don't end up in the landfill because people unpack their shopping and throw the bags straight into the garbage. Plastic bags end up in the landfill because people use them as garbage bags.

If you ban plastic bags at the LCBO, that won't change this behaviour. People will still throw out the same amount of garbage, and will still use the plastic bags they have on hand at home as garbage bags. The plastic bags in the landfill won't say LCBO on them, but there will still be just as many.

However, if you make the LCBO use biodegradable bags, then when people reach for a garbage bag, it will be biodegradable. Every time the LCBO gives out a biodegradable bag, that's one less plastic bag in the landfill.

If the LCBO bans plastic bags, then consumers will have to deal with two inconveniences to achieve environmentally optimal behaviour: first they will have to carry a reuseable bag around with them all day if they plan to pick up a bottle of wine on the way home from work, then they will have to seek out and specifically purchase biodegradable garbage bags.

But if the LCBO gives out biodegradable bags, then consumers can achieve environmentally optimal behaviour without any effort whatsoever - just buy your wine, get it bagged as usual, then use the bag as a garbage bag as usual. They would actually have to go out of their way to be less environmentally friendly.

You are, of course, perfectly correct in saying that it is the LCBO's duty as a government agency and as a monopoly to set an example, and using biodegradable bags would be the perfect way to do just that. Furthermore, just as the LCBO uses its massive purchasing power get good wholesale deals and make a wide variety of products available to Ontarians, its sizeable influence could also have a powerful effect on the biodegradable bag market. If the LCBO starts using only biodegradable bags, the economies of scale could make biodegradable bags more affordable for other retailers to use. If the demand created by the LCBO is significant enough as compared with the number of biodegradable bags currently being produced, this meay even lead to the creation of more manufacturing jobs in Ontario.

You have an opportunity to do good on several fronts here. Please don't waste it with a simple and short-sighted ban.

Is the North actually empty?

If you look at Environment Canada's weather warning maps for Nunavut, NWT, Yukon, Northern Quebec, and Labrador, you'll see that there are huge areas for which there is no forecast service.

Are these areas actually empty? Or are they just sparsely populated? (Even more so than the areas for which there is forecast service.)

Looking Google Maps doesn't have anything labelled in those areas, but is that because they're empty or because Google Maps doesn't have complete information about these large and sparsely populated areas? Looking at the satellite pictures I'm not seeing anything, but it would be quite easy to miss a small fly-in settlement when skimming over such a large area.

So are there actually these huge tracts of Canada that are completely and totally empty? And if so, are they uninhabitable (as compared with the areas where there are settlements) or just uninhabited?

Open Letter to Sarah Polley

Dear Sarah Polley:

I will read up on, become informed on, and write a gorgeously eloquent and convincing letter to my MP and the most relevant Ministers and anyone else you want me to supporting your position on the arts funding issue you were lobbying about in Ottawa, IF you tell me where I can get a pair of red boots like yours.

Sincerely,

Someone who is maligning our whole demographic by being more enthusiastic about boots than politics

Wrinkles

I don't mind getting wrinkles. I've looked entirely too young for far too long, so I don't mind looking more like a grownup. (Although I do strongly resent still having to deal with zits at the same time.)

What I do mind is that the lines on my forehead, which are starting to not go away anymore when I'm done furrowing my brow, look exactly like my father's! I've already inherited his nose and brow and eyesight and body hair and adult acne and all the worst aspects of his bone structure and personality, and have been working very hard as I grow up to eliminate or conceal these characteristics and assert myself as a separate individual defined by who I actually am instead of by my genes.

How dare my body age me in a way that counteracts all this hard work??

Advanced pedestrian techniques

1. You're pushing an enormous stroller. This means you're slowed down a bit, and it means you have to use the rampy bit of the curb (what's that thing called?) to get back up on the sidewalk after crossing the road. We, your fellow pedestrians in the crosswalk, understand that. That's why we're walking beside you to pass you and straying slightly out of the crosswalk to get back up on the sidewalk on the non-rampy bit, so the rampy bit will be free for your use. So once you've gotten your stroller up on the sidewalk, please take one or two steps directly away from the road before turning left or right. If you get up on the sidewalk and turn straight left or right, you're preventing the people who've so kindly gone off to the side to make room for you on the rampy bit from getting up onto the sidewalk before the light changes.

2. It's raining. Some people have umbrellas and some people don't. A lot of the buildings have overhangs that cover half the sidewalk. So if you don't have an umbrella, walk under the overhang. If you do have an umbrella, don't walk under the overhang.

3. The tunnel doesn't quite connect directly to the mall. You have to walk outdoors for about 20 seconds. So some people might put on a coat, some people might not. I think we can all see both sides. So if you are wearing a coat and walking in a large group of people, make extra sure you leave room for people to pass you. As you know, large groups naturally walk slower than individuals, but there are individuals without coats who were planning on having to spend only 20 seconds outside and don't want to have to spend a whole minute outdoors without a coat stuck behind you while you talk loudly and laugh at your children for acting their age.

I've had a long day

Here are some gratuitous puppies. Substance later.

Wanted: an anonymizer that will let me watch hulu

Anyone know offhand of an anonymizer that will let me watch stuff on hulu that's blocked to people outside the US? I can google up all kinds of anonymizers, but for some reason the video viewer thingy (to put it in technical terms) will never load.

Things someone with magical powers Should Invent

1. A way to block advertising for stuff you already know about. I know Head & Shoulder makes dandruff shampoo, I know I shouldn't drink and drive, I know about my OHS rights. Showing me those ads doesn't do anything but annoy me.

2. Whenever you go to interact with someone, you get some kind of automatic brain dump informing you of everything that both of you know and everything that both of you agree on. So if the best metaphor is iść/chodzić, I'll know whether I can use that or whether I have to come up with something else. Or if the person asking me where I'm from lives a block away from where I grew up, I can say "The brown house with the funny roof" instead of "Canada".

Dear Google, please make a workaround for the POPLINE problem

Dear Google:

The US government is fucking up academic databases. You are perfectly positioned to fix this.

You are a search engine whose mandate is to organize the world's information and make it universally accessible and useful. This is information that is being made inaccessible because of ineffective search.

I know it's not as simple as indexing it and posting it, but you have money, you have a team of geniuses, and you're important enough to the world that you're immune to political interference.

You need to do penance for China. Why not this to start?

Things They Should Invent: torch extinguishing as an olympic sport

I'm having so much fun with this olympic torch extinguishing thing that I've decided it should be an olympic event

The rules are simple: every time the torch gets extinguished, the person who extinguishes the torch gets a point for their country.

Countries don't field their own torch extinguishing teams, instead anyone in the world can play. There's no official time and place, anywhere the torch happens to be is fair game.

There's some kind of points handicap for the country where the torch is located at any given time, to mitigate any home field advantage.

The IOC is required to to increase security around the torch au fur et a mesure que it is extinguished. Security people aren't allowed to extinguish the torch, and inside cooperation from security people is seen as just as unsporting as steroid use.

At the end of the olympics, the country with the most points wins. It's that simple!

Boarded up houses

Whenever they show pictures of foreclosed houses in the states, they're always boarded up. Why are they boarded up? Who does the boarding up? Does the bank do it? If I was kicked out of my home I certainly wouldn't make the effort to board it up (plus I probably couldn't afford boards).

Essure leads to surreality

I just found out about Essure (obviously I need to spend more time in CF communities since this was the first I'd heard of it) so I was doing some googling about it. In my travels, I came upon a blog where someone had seen a TV commercial for Essure and was outraged that it was portraying a family with something like children. "Wow," I thought, "This is one of the most militant radical childfree people I've ever seen! OK, so you don't like children, but why get so upset about having to see them in an Essure ad? If you're that upset about children, you should be glad they're promoting Essure to people who have children, so they won't have more." Then I read on in their comments, and realized they aren't militant radical childfree, they're militant radical breeders who were upset that OMG poor innocent children are being used in an ad for a big evil sterilization procedure! Just goes to prove Eddie's circle theory. (And kind of makes me want to invent a sterilization procedure that involves sacrificing your existing children into a volcano, just so something will exist that's worthy of this dude's outrage.)

Then later on I was talking to my friend about how I was very excited to have learned about a new sterilization option. "Oh, it's so cool!" I was saying, "they stick something up your vagina and through your cervix into your uterus. Then they put these little bits of metal in your fallopian tubes, and they somehow irritate your fallopian tubes and cause permanent scarring! Isn't that great?" If you take that out of context, it might possibly be the weirdest thing I've ever said in my life.

Half-formed idea: sterilization on demand to ease the burden on the health care system

The vast majority of the times I've gone to the doctor in my adult life have been to keep up my birth control pills. The vast majority of the prescriptions I've had filled in my adult life have been for birth control pills. The vast majority of claims I've submitted to my insurance have been for birth control pills. If I could have gotten sterilized on demand when I first became sexually active, my entire burden on the health care system in my adult life would probably be about 25% of what it has been so far. (More like 10% if it weren't for Gardasil, which is pricy and required four appointments).

We know that 10 million Canadians use prescription contraception. What would the burden on the health care system be like if all those who never wanted to have children (ever or again) got sterilized?

The first page of Google results rather vaguely suggests that just under 20% of the population is childfree. Given that some childfree people are already sterilized, and given that some childed people might want to be sterilized but not be able to (perhaps because they're young, perhaps because they only have one child, etc.) let's work with the assumption that 10% of the people using birth control would like to be sterilized. So that's 1 million people who would like to be sterilized. So let's sterilize them. Snip, snip. Now what happens to the health care system?

I use up one standard annual appointment slot a year for my birth control needs. If we assume that everyone has simple birth control needs and only needs one appointment a year (a very low estimate, since some methods require 4 appointments a year and some people have to try a number of different methods before they find the right one) that would open up one million appointments across the country. The first page of google results gives numbers between 2.4 million and 5 million for Canadians that don't have a family doctor. But in any case, one million free appointment slots would make a significant dent!

Other factors that I have been unable to quantify:

- How many free doctor appointment slots = room in the doctor's practice for a new patient?

- Sometimes unwanted pregnancy occurs, even with birth control. Getting an abortion surely takes up more medical resources than simply maintaining contraception, and carrying the baby to term anyway would take up even more, plus produce a whole nother human being who is also going to need medical resources.

- A lot of people, if they don't need to go to the doctor for their birth control every year, aren't going to get a pap smear every year. Come on, we all know it's true. How would this affect overall public health? And how would it be affected by the introduction of Gardasil, once enough of the population has been innoculated to wipe out the major strains of HPV?

- Would the reduction in the number of people taking hormonal contraception (which can increase blood pressure) have any appreciable impact on the instances of heart disease in the general population?

- With the baby boomers, the issue of contraception has recently become/is about to become moot for a huge chunk of the population. Would that make the impact of sterilization on demand negilgible? What would the impact have been if it were available as the baby boomers were starting to become sexually active? (And as an aside, is the fact that this huge chunk of the population no longer requires contraception going to have an impact on the sexual health of the overall population? I once heard the boomers described as the generation that had the drinking age (in the US) lowered to 18 so they could drink when they were in college, then had it raised to 21 so their kids couldn't. Are they going to do the same thing with birth control now that they no longer need it? Although it might be too late for that now anyway - I'm the child of boomers who started their family relatively late, and I'm far too old for my parents to be interfering in my contraception.)