Saturday, April 30, 2022
Books read in April 2022
Can I claim to be an influencer now?
Thursday, April 21, 2022
Building a better Sunshine List
Thursday, March 31, 2022
Books read in March 2022
Tuesday, March 15, 2022
Magic words: "and also"
Wednesday, March 09, 2022
Knix Catalyst: a full-support sports bra that doesn't hurt!
Monday, February 28, 2022
Books read in February 2022
Tuesday, February 22, 2022
Thursday, February 17, 2022
My third COVID vaccine experience
Tuesday, February 08, 2022
How to gift your child wedding money when you don't trust their choice of spouse
From a recent Ethicist:
My wife and I have two adult daughters. They are very close in age and deeply connected to each other (thankfully). They attended private school and graduated from private colleges, without college debt, as we paid for everything. They are both really good people, and we are very proud of them.
Years ago, my wife and I agreed we would provide a fixed sum for our daughters’ weddings when the time came. (They could each decide how to spend it — on the ceremony, the honeymoon, a down payment on a house or whatever.) We decided to do this for a few reasons. We don’t see the value of a large and elaborate wedding. We gifted our children a superior education. And we wanted to avoid having either daughter complain that we spent more money on one wedding than the other or any last-minute requests for more money to upgrade the ceremony.
One of our daughters recently got married. We provided the gift money as promised (a not-shabby five figures), and it went toward a fairly fancy and large wedding.
Our other daughter isn’t in a serious relationship at this time. However, she has demonstrated some poor judgment in trusting people who have not earned her trust, and this makes me concerned about whom she might choose to marry.
Which brings me to my question: Are we obligated to gift the money as promised if we have a serious issue with the character of a future fiancé — his personal history, lack of a career path or ability to maintain steady employment? Our concerns would be based on her welfare, not on whether we “liked” the guy.
Another option: Would it be acceptable to place conditions on the gift? Or gift it in another fashion, such as a college savings account for future children? Something that would not go to waste or be divided in a messy divorce.
If we did any of that, we would be indicating that we are not in favor of this wedding and do not want to contribute toward it. But we would and will provide equal financial support in the future under certain circumstances. I hope this scenario won’t happen, but I do wonder what the proper and fair approach might be or if it is necessary to worry about “fairness.” Name Withheld
There's a simple way to reduce the risk of the the money being wasted on a partner of poor character while also avoiding treating your daughter unfairly or in a way she'd find alienating: give her the money now.
If she has the money now, while she's not in a relationship, she's far more likely to use it to benefit herself, towards a downpayment on a home or further education or to start her own business - or, yes, to put in a wedding fund, which would also double as emergency savings until such time as a wedding is imminent.
Divorce law varies by jurisdiction, but a general trend is that assets brought into a marriage are less likely to get divided during a divorce than assets acquired during the marriage. Prenuptial agreements can also reduce the likelihood of these assets getting divided. (As ever, people should consult with a family lawyer about their actual situation.)
Messaging is important here. It can be difficult to be the only unmarried person in your family, and you want to avoid presenting this to your daughter in a way that might hint at either "You are a person who chooses bad relationships!" or "You are a person who will never get married!"
This is where the pandemic comes in handy!
The pandemic has shed light on the many ways previously-unquestioned practices don't serve everyone well, and has led many people to rethink a lot of things they previously took for granted.
You can use this to construct a narrative where the pandemic has made you rethink tying this financial gift to getting married.
Example: "We were recently [thinking/talking/reading an article] about how the pandemic has hindered dating and developing new relationships, and what kind of impacts this might have in the medium and long term. And we were also [thinking/talking/reading] about how the pandemic has driven up housing costs and generally made life more difficult for people just starting out, and what kinds of impacts this might have in the medium and long term. And we realized that it's hideously old-fashioned and completely unfair to tie the gift money to getting married. Therefore, we are going to give it to you now, so that you are empowered to use it to get started out in life according to your own best judgment, without having to wait for some arbitrary milestone, with our apologies for making you wait this long."
Basically, approach it from a position of humbly correcting a flaw in your own previous policies, without any mention whatosever of your evaluation of your daughter or her future spouse.
This is proper and fair, deprives your daughter of nothing, maximizes her opportunities to benefit from the money herself without being influenced by a questionable spouse, and keeps your relationship with her as positive and judgement-free as it has ever been.
Wednesday, February 02, 2022
Monday, January 31, 2022
Books read in January 2022
Tuesday, January 18, 2022
Flaws in my antiracism education: educating us like children rather than future adults
Monday, January 17, 2022
An alternative to "I'm sorry" is "My condolences"
Dear Miss Manners: I am a reasonably empathetic person. I’m not a sob sister, but I do feel true sympathy for other people’s misfortunes. But I have reached my limit.
I agree that I was not the cause of any of the aforementioned disasters; I was not indicating my guilt. I am certainly old enough to say “You have my sympathy,” but I am not formal enough to pull it off. “I see” seems heartless. “Imagine!” seems cruel. “That is so sad” sounds sarcastic.
In this age of online trolls, rudeness passing as humor, and constant hate speech by politicos, what does one say to show empathy with a friend’s or acquaintance’s tale of woe, discomfort or loss? I need an appropriate response or I’m going to start saying “huh.”
A response that would meet the letter-writer's needs is: "My condolences."
You can make it more formal or intensive (e.g. "My most heartfelt condolences to you and your family") or just leave it as it is, depending on what's most suitable to the context.
You can also use "My condolences" as a wry response for things like speeding tickets or broken nails, but if you want a more sincere response, and option is "Oh no!", with the same tone and delivery you'd use if the next thing coming out of your mouth was "I'm so sorry!"
I agree with Miss Manners and with LW that "I'm sorry" is perfectly appropriate, but apparently this standard script leads the people around LW to respond in a way that LW dislikes, so it's time to change up the script. I am surprised that Miss Manners didn't suggest this phrasing in her response.
Thursday, January 13, 2022
Why were they willing to lock down in March 2020?
Sunday, January 02, 2022
Thoughts (without advice) on Captain Awkward #1359
Dear Captain Awkward,
I (she/her) have a Dad (he/him) and Mom (she her) who value their traditional culture and religion even though they did not raise my sister (she/her) and I to be very religious, i.e. we were allowed to go away to college, I was encouraged not to observe religious dress and they didn’t expect us to participate in daily religious activities (they didn’t either). You could say we were culturally faithful but not pious. They took a lot of crap from relatives who insisted they were making a huge mistake and would end up with kids who have no values or faith.
My sister married a guy who was of our background but even less connected to the culture and religion. My parents welcomed him though I suspect privately they were a bit uncomfortable because he drinks alcohol and has tattoos which are prohibited in the religion. Then my sister put up a Christmas tree (not Christians but her in-laws do Christmas). I happened to be there when they found out and it was like watching my parents take a fist to their face. My sister was their closest child, she could do no wrong in their eyes and they’ve always bent over backwards for her. After being so sure that they could raise us liberally while still upholding the culture and religion, they were devastated. No amount of me reminding them that she doesn’t consider it a religious act or framing it as a decoration has helped. They’ve decided they won’t go to her house until the tree is gone. My mom does daycare for my niece so BIL (he/him) drops the baby off at her house now.
I’ve tried to point out that they may regret this and harm their relationship with their only grandchild once she is old enough to figure out that her paternal grandparents happily celebrate Christmas and drink alcohol with her parents while her maternal grandparents make a stand every December, but they won’t budge. My sister is surprised they are upset and says a tree is no big deal which strains credulity in my opinion. I’m visiting and keep walking in on my mom just sitting silently with tears running down her face and my dad quietly counting the days until he can see niece again on daycare days (he is the only name/word she can say so far, total bff’s). I resent my sister for taking so much over the years (I was not similarly favored) and then so casually throwing us into this chaos. I am annoyed with my parents for not seeing something like this coming considering her husband’s background. Do I keep defending her, comforting them or should I just stay apart like normal?
Never thought I’d miss the days when they were a unit of three + me.
I absolutely agree with Captain Awkward's advice that LW's role is to stay out of this.
But what baffles me is that the parents seem to see this as LW's sister's tree and seem to be having a falling-out with LW's sister over it, rather than seeing it as BIL's tree, since his family of origin is the one that does xmas. Even if the sister literally put it up, they somehow got to "The person who brought this family tradition into the marriage is utterly blameless!"
Friday, December 31, 2021
Books read in December 2021
New:
1. This is a Book About the Kids in the Hall by John Semley
Reread:
1. Strangers in Death
Thursday, December 30, 2021
All about my Good Omens OC named Muriel
Wednesday, December 22, 2021
Horoscopes
The day brings a burst of energy and creative inspiration our way, which can bode well for work-related projects, as well as personal goals. However, as we head toward the afternoon, the vibe changes significantly, leaving us feeling a bit heavy or dejected. We can beat the blues by ramping up the self-care and focusing on what brings us joy. At the same time, it might be helpful to lean on the support of others when it comes to working through any difficulties. Being open to new experiences also can help us break out of a bad mood.
There may be a tendency over the coming year to go looking for conflict, most likely just for the fun of it. For best results, channel your aggressive instincts into positive and creative areas. Sporting and other physical activities will help burn off excess energy.
Last year's Toronto Star horoscope made the bravely specific prediction that I would fall in love in May.
I did not fall in love with a person. But, if I do flail about trying to find an interpretation that makes this statement true, it's possible that I did fall in love with no working, as I took a full month off work for the first time in my life and discovered I didn't miss it at all. (Unfortunately, I still need an income and this is still the easiest and most reliable way for me to earn an income.)
I'm starting the new years with 2 full months off work. We'll see where that takes me...