If you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on acid

Everyone who cares has already seen these, but I just feel the need to squee about this one because they make lego elephants1 There's such thing as lego elephants!

So how much power does Nelly Furtado's microphone use?

Nelly Furtado did a concert in Nathan Phillips Square to mark Earth Hour. It was described as an acoustic candlelight concert. But the picture in the paper shows her holding a microphone, which means there was also some sort of PA/amp/speaker system.

Now from a performance perspective this is eminently reasonable. I don't think you could ask even an opera singer or a musical theatre performer to handle an outdoor performance to a crowd of 10,000 on lung power alone. But how much electricity did this require, and was it worth it?

Happy thoughts

I'm not into the spiritual aspect of yoga, I'm just in it for the stretching. (I know, I know, white people like yoga, but so do my tendons.) Perhaps this is hypocritical, but I'm hoping this is mitigated by the fact that I'm doing it quietly in the privacy of my own home without making any spiritual claims. I doubt even the Vatican would mind if people spent some time going sit-stand-kneel-stand-sit in the privacy of their own homes. At any rate, my point is that when the yoga lady on TV is talking about the spiritual aspects, I'm usually off googling something, waiting for the stretching to start.

But today something she said piqued my interest. I don't have an exact quote because I was only half listening, but she said something to the effect that if you find yourself thinking bad thoughts you should replace them with good thoughts, in order to achieve a state of bliss. And apparently in yoga, pushing away bad thoughts and thinking good thoughts and achieving bliss are all a good thing spiritually.

Now this is interesting to me, because I've been deliberately trying to do this for the past few months. I'm not doing this for any grand spiritual reason, I'm just doing it because it makes my life easier. It was the complete opposite of a diligent virtuous New Year's resolution to buckle down and start living life perfectly - it was a resolution to practically embrace my flaws and in fact live them even more enthusiastically, not even trying to do stuff I find hard. It was an anti-resolution specifically designed to fly in the face of what resolutions usually do. So I was very surprised to see something similar as part of a legitimate religious/spiritual thing.

The thing is though, as I've been aggressively pushing away my bad thoughts, Catholic guilt and Protestant work ethic have been teaming up to make me feel guilty for doing so. (It's amazing what you can do if you put aside your historical differences and work together!) Most of my bad thoughts are the result of bona fide personal failings, so I feel like by pushing them away I'm shirking the deserved punishment for my failings. I fucked that thing up and I should know better so I should be agonizing over it and replaying the most cringe-worthy moments in my head, not thinking about the wonders of the human tongue or laughing at the latest thing on YouTube.

So I was thinking about this and googling around it, and I found that some people actually consider this to be a xian principle too. They tend to cite Romans 12:21, which says "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Now to me this says "Do good things instead of bad things" and if you google neutrally for interpretations of the verse the general consensus agrees with my interpretation, but I did find a number of different sources citing this verse as evidence that when you find yourself thinking bad thoughts you should think good thoughts instead. So this suggests that somewhere out there, there are xians who would applaud me for rejecting my guilt in favour of happier thoughts.

Of course, I think what the ancient yogis (or St. Paul for that matter) had in mind was that I should use the sheer strength of my mental discipline to push the bad thoughts out of my mind and meditate on the beauty of the lily or something. I don't know if they would quite approve of my technique of eating white chocolate and dancing around the apartment singing along to Nugget (warning: shitloads of swear words) at the top of my lungs.

How to fake Earth Hour

Set up candles so that you're between the candle and the window. Don't turn on any lights that are closer to the window than the candle is. Then any shadows thrown on your windows and visible to the outside world will be cast by candlelight, and anyone who's snooping will think that you're just going about life by candlelight. You can then use your computer with impunity, as long as the screen doesn't face the window.

That said, I didn't want to be one of those assholes like in the Globe and Mail comments but I didn't want to be bullied into doing Earth Hour either. So I closed the blinds (which I normally do for privacy after dark anyway), turned out the lights (which I normally do after dark when I don't need them anyway, not out of environmentalism or thriftiness but because it's better for my circadian rhythms), set up my decoy candles, and went about doing the task I was dreading most of all the tasks on my to-do list. Then at least there was some element of sacrifice, although not environmental. (But ultimately, getting that task out of the way contributed more to my overall fulfillment of all my current responsibilities than reading by candlelight for an hour would have. It didn't contribute to the greater good of humanity, but I don't think anything on my to-do list at the moment does. Overall, I probably contribute most to humanity by keeping out of its way.)

But looking out the window, everything looked the same as ever. Some lights were on, some lights were off. There were one or two areas that might possibly have been darker than usual (I'm not sure exactly, I don't normally pay that much attention to how many lights are on) but if I hadn't known something was going on I wouldn't have thought "Wow, it's really dark over there." So nobody would have noticed if I'd gone about life normally anyway, which is reassuring.

Actually, another problem with Earth Hour is that it's impossible to invisibly opt out, but if you do participate it looks exactly the same as if you happen to not be home at the time.

The Toronto Star updated during Earth Hour, which seemed inappropriate. Since they're the primary proponent, they shouldn't really give people reasons to be going on the internet during Earth Hour, should they? I do like what google.ca did though - they made their page black instead of white! It doesn't actually save monitor energy, but I have to give them credit for a very visible and effective way of raising awareness, even though I don't agree with what they were raising awareness for.

Here's a proposal for next time: instead of everyone turn off their lights for an hour, how about everyone take their car off the road for a given hour? Let's see which gets more participants. Let's see which has greater effect.

The problem with Earth Hour

With most things in life, you can just quietly not participate. Even things with a lot of social pressure, you can just sit at home and do your own thing. You're "supposed to" spend xmas with your family, but if you just stay home and do your own thing people won't notice (except perhaps your family). You're "supposed to" go out on New Year's Eve, but if you just stay home and do your own thing people won't notice. With most things in life, if you don't participate you're just quietly staying out of everyone's way.

But with Earth Hour, if you don't do it, everyone will notice because you'll be all lit up. If you don't participate, you'll be a big loud shiny beacon. The only way to quietly stay out of everyone's way is to participate.

Once upon a time my then-employer had a fundraiser. You donate $5 to cancer research, and you "get to" come to work in costume. Problem was, I don't own any costumes and didn't really want to put all the time and effort into thinking of and making one. I did donate to cancer research ($20 because there was no change) because it was the right thing to do, but I didn't wear a costume because I didn't think I should be punished for my generous donation with a complicated and time-consuming chore. But I stuck out like a sore thumb, looking to everyone who walked by like someone who didn't care about cancer, and I really resented this attempt to bully me into a hugely inconvenient chore in return for having done the right thing.

I use under 200 kWh a month. My last bill was 198 kWh. (The average household is 1000 kWh, according to the general consensus of the first page of google results.) I have so many offsets that my carbon footprint is negative. The reason for all of this is because I happen to live in a very enviro-centric building that does all kinds of things to reduce its residents' footprints. However, because of the way the windows are and the way the blinds are (both of which are dictated by the landlord) if I have any lights on people outside will be able to see, even if I close the blinds. I have a lot of things that need to get done this weekend, all of which require either the computer or electric light (candlelight won't do). Turning off at 8 pm would be a massive inconvenience, so basically I'd just be killing time with busywork until 9. I'm already doing the right thing every single day of my life (and paying rent that's significantly higher than the neighbourhood average for the privilege of living in a building that enables me to do so.) I very much resent being bullied into inconvenience. If I wanted to live into a world where I'm bullied into conformity and if I don't conform I stick out like a sore thumb so everyone can point and judge, I'd go back to middle school.

Things La Senza Should Invent: put precision fit cups on the invisible bra

Dear La Senza:

I adore what your precision fit bra does for my shape, but something about the elastics on the back make it a bit more conducive to bulginess, making me feel fat.

I love how invisible your invisible bra is at the back, but it doesn't give me nearly as good lines at the front, making me feel fat.

So why not put the precision fit cups on the body of the invisible bra?

Earth Hour

The more I hear about Earth Hour, the more Stuff White People Like it seems.

Why do you not work for the TTC?

The usual brinksmanship about the possibility of a TTC strike has brought out the usual rage from people who think TTC workers earn entirely too much money and have entirely too many perks.

Personally, I think the TTC workers have a very difficult job and I'm surprised they can find people to do the job for what they earn. The reason I think their job is so difficult is because driving and dealing with the public are two of the things I find the most stressful in the world. I don't consider that level of compensation adequate for the amount of stress that job would cause me. This is why I am not a TTC driver - instead I have a job where I can sit quietly in an office and hardly talk to anyone.

Now some people will obviously disagree with me on how stressful a TTC job would be. Some people like driving, some people like dealing with the public. And that's fine, we all have different strengths and skills and preferences, that's how we've managed to build a society. So these people who don't think a TTC job is that stressful may well think that they are being compensated adequately, or even that they're being compensated excessively.

So the question is, if you're one of the people who think TTC work is not that difficult and think their workers are being compensated excessively, why are you not working for the TTC?

Think of all the other jobs in the world other than yours. Why don't you quit your job and go do one of these jobs? Because they don't pay enough, or because they don't have the security, or because you aren't qualified, or because you couldn't do the job well, or because it's too much work/difficulty/stress.

But the people who think the compensation is excessive - not those who think it's adequate, those who think it's excessive - what's their reason for not quitting their job and going to work for the TTC? Obviously not that it doesn't pay enough. If it's just that they aren't qualified, they'd go get qualified. Obviously not that they couldn't do it well or find it too difficult/stressful (if these were true, they wouldn't think the TTC workers are overpaid). If I knew of a job for which workers were excessively overpaid based on the amount and difficulty of work they have to do, I'd certainly go about seeing how I could get in on it. Why are the complainers not doing the same thing?

I don't work for the TTC because the job would be too stressful for me. Why don't you work for the TTC? (Unless, of course, you do.)

You know you're a langling when...

a man is pregnant and your first thought is all the fascinating grammatical issues this raises in various languages (enceint? embarazado?).

Another interesting point is that all the laws/policies related to maternity leave that I've ever read have been written specifically in the feminine. I don't think this was specifically intended to be exclusionary, I just think it's because it's easier to write in the third person singular if you can use gendered pronouns. I wonder if at some point he's going to be (or someone is going to argue that he is) not entitled to something that pregnant women are entitled to because the rules were written in the feminine?

Conversely, I wonder if somewhere in the world he can legally get an abortion but women can't because the rules are written in the feminine?

And on a less lingusitic note, I wonder if he's going to lactate?

I think I need sensitivity training

The lady behind me in the grocery line was in a wheelchair. So I looked at her to see what was wrong with her. Then I remembered that you shouldn't stare, so I looked away from her. Then I remembered that people with disabilities sometimes complain that people don't make eye contact with them, so I looked back at her. Then I didn't know what to do with my gaze, so I looked away from her. By which point I probably looked like I was flirting (and I seem to look like a lesbian today too, at least it's one of those days when I'm getting more of Those Looks from women).

I seriously completely forgot how you normally go about looking or not looking at the person behind you in line! I disgust myself sometimes.

Things They Should Invent: a torrent of all songs banned by Clear Channel after September 11

I just found this on Wikipedia.

I noticed it when it happened, and then forgot about it. But it's a good playlist! Someone make a torrent of this, because I want them all!

But why is this song on there? Apart from excessive amounts of 80s aesthetic, isn't this the most benign thing ever?

Post your headphone recommendations here

The headphones that came with my ipod are dying, so I'm in the market for new ones.

I want something with hardly any bulk (because it has to be carried around in a pocket or purse and I dress girly) and that can be comfortably worn for up to 10 hours if necessary. Because I already know that clip-ons hurt my ears if worn for long periods of time, I think this points to earbuds, although I'm not married to the idea.

I plan to treat my headphones with no care whatsoever. They will be worn outdoors in all sorts of weather, stuffed into wherever I happen to be putting my ipod, and exposed to disgusting amounts of sweat and earwax. I don't expect them to last forever, but at the same time I don't want something that has to be babied.

I spend most of my time in areas with a lot of white noise so I'd appreciate headphones that can address this, but I still want to be able to jaywalk across Yonge with impunity so I don't want so much noise cancelling that I can't walk around safely. I can hear the technical flaws of the white ipod headphones and I don't want anything worse, but I'm not a huge technical quality geek and top-of-the-line anything is generally wasted on me.

Price point is flexible. I don't want to spend $200 for something that's going to die in six months, I don't want to spend $10 on something that's inconvenient to use.

I'd appreciate any thoughts anyone might have.

Another one of those annoying posts where I take credit for coincidences

Me last May

Salon since January

Me a couple weeks ago

Toronto Star yesterday (3rd picture from bottom)

Things They Should Invent: don't ghettoize classical music

There's been a bit of a fuss in the Globe and Mail lately because CBC Radio 2 is going to be playing less classical music.

It occurs to me that the real way to be bold and innovative about classical music programing is not to ghettoize it. Just play classical mixed in with all other types of music. It's music too, and anyone can enjoy it. At this point, some people will argue that classical is more advanced and complex, and involves a greater intellectual commitment. I can't address this point, because as a result of the way I slacked off and the stopped slacking off and then slacked off again in my musical education I learned how to do proper analysis and Music Appreciation of classical genres only. I know there's way more to other genres than I know how to process academically, but I don't know how much. But even if it is true that classical is more intellectually complex, it can still be enjoyed casually. As an adult, I enjoy early Beatles because I'm trying to analyze and internalize the vocal harmony with the goal of eventually being able to improvise vocal harmony myself; as a small child, I enjoyed early Beatles because it was fun to dance around to in my own little six-year-old way. The fact that I didn't even know what harmony was didn't hinder my enjoyment of it then, and if I hadn't been exposed to it then it may well have never ended up on my ipod today. Similarly, someone who can't tell Bach from Cage could still listen to and enjoy a piece of classical music just because it's nice or it's interesting or some totally benign reason, and may then be moved to learn more about a kind of music they normally wouldn't have touched. To ghettoize and isolate it on the basis that it's too advanced does the whole genre a disservice.

Radio 2's playlist should be something like Diana Krall, followed by Tragically Hip, followed by Glenn Gould, followed by k-os. (Of course it should all be less mainstream, more innovative up-and-comers, etc. but I'm too lazy and ignorant to come up with good examples.) The usual objection to intermixing classical like this is that classical pieces tend to be longer and radio stations need to hit their scheduled commercial breaks. But the CBC doesn't have this problem, so it's the perfect venue for this kind of open-minded, innovative programming! This is the 21st century, we're already doing the same thing on our ipods, the public can handle it!

Slice of life

1994. Grade 9. I'm painfully shy and awkward as the result of years of bullying, feel miscast in my role as a high school student, have been shunned by all my supposed friends for reasons I don't understand, and hate what I see when I look in the mirror. But when I'm walking to school and my mind is wandering freely, it's starting to occur to me that I might want to kiss a boy someday.

I'm at my locker, and the guy who was assigned the locker next to mine through the magic of alphabetical order is at his locker. I don't know him that well because he's from another elementary school, but he seems perfectly nice, quiet and unassuming, the kind of guy who's getting his puberty on the installment plan instead of an overnight visit from the puberty fairy (although I didn't quite notice that sort of thing yet at that age). We start chatting, I forget what about, and get into a perfectly decent small-talk conversation. This was quite a novelty for me at the time. I hardly ever got to have a decent conversation with anyone, but here I was having a decent conversation with a real live boy! So we have our conversation, then he goes off to wherever he was going.

Just then, the girl whose locker is on the other side of me comes up. I don't know her very well because she'd just moved into town, but she struck me as the kind of girl who might get into fights or might get to dye her hair or might get to drive a car around on her parents' land or might even get to have sex. Nodding towards the boy who has just left, she asks me "Are you two going out?" She didn't sound surprised, she didn't sound judgemental, she didn't sound like she had an ulterior motive. Just a simple straightforward question, "Are you two going out?"

She thinks we're going out! She thinks I could conceiveably be going out with a boy! This girl who meets the exact demographic profile of the people who put icky things in my hair last year thinks I am a candidate for going out with a boy!

"No," I reply, trying to keep my voice as neutral as possible, trying not to read anything into her comment or allow anything to be read into my response, "we're not going out..." I was about to follow it up with "We were just chatting about the English assignment" or something else that with 14 years' hindsight would probably have been a mistake, but she interrupted.

"Oh, so you're just friends then."

She thinks I'm the kind of person who could have friends! This girl who dresses and acts exactly like the girls who would walk up to me and say "You have no friends, you know," takes as a given that I could be friends with a boy!

"Yes," I reply, "We're just friends."

The next time I looked at myself in the mirror, I liked what I saw a little bit better.

The boy moved away the next year and he's ungoogleable. I don't even remember the girl's name. But I'd like to buy them both a drink.

Things They Should Invent: a book on how to swear fluently in other languages

I know lots and lots of swear words in all kinds of languages. But I don't know how to use them properly. I think I know how to use them properly, but I always come out sounding like Spock on Star Trek IV.

I want books on how to swear fluently in every language! Someone go and write them!

The problem with Elizabeth and Anthony as a couple

Most of the fandom grievances against Anthony have been described here far more eloquently than I could. Now I don't object to Anthony as much as the average fan, although I've blogged before about why Liz's arc doesn't work, but their engagement just isn't convincing.

Now, unlike most of fandom, I don't mind that he's awkward and geeky - I can identify with that. I do think the fact that both Liz and Michael end up with their childhood sweethearts is a bit much, but I can accept that if it's done well enough. But the problem is that they don't have any romantic chemistry, or even friendship chemistry. They simply are comfortable with each other.

Don't get me wrong, I can totally appreciate being comfortable with your partner. I swooned the first time mi cielito wore sweatpants in my presence, because I was so flattered he's that comfortable with me. But we don't see anything beyond comfort with Liz and Anthony. We've never seen even a glimmer of lust - even if you've been with someone a long time, you occasionally still look at them and just have to...pounce. They didn't even kiss when they got engaged! We've never even seen the signs of deep and abiding friendship. We've never seen them finish each other's sentences, anticipate each other's needs, surprise each other with the perfect thing, share a geeky delight in something, or even know how the other takes their coffee. Right now the chemistry between them is like the chemistry between cousins who aren't the best of friends but have nothing against each other. No pretense is needed, you're automatically entitled to be in each other's presence and ask each other for favours of reasonable scope, you can chat without awkward silences, and you wouldn't be embarrassed for them to see you in sweatpants and without makeup. But you can't say to them "So I was in the bathroom squeezing my zits..." and they probably wouldn't be on your list of people you'd be roommates with if absolutely necesary.

I'm getting the same vibe from Liz and Anthony, and that's no basis for a marriage. So show them singing showtunes together. Have Liz pour a cup of coffee and Anthony wordlessly hands her the milk. This isn't an arranged marriage; just comfort isn't enough. Get their hair messed up every once in a while! FBOFW should be able to do better than this!

Writing a "cake or death" joke is left as an exercise for the reader

I have a million things to blog and I'm too tired. So here's some fun music. (You don't have to watch, you can just press play and listen.)

A sociological survey of my spam folder

My spam folder is full of penis enlargement spam (amazing what those spammers know about my genitals), but nearly all the subject lines are about something else. There's "Re: Your Tracking Number" and "Hot Tight Wet Pussy" and "Thousands of Rolexes," and the contents are always penis enlargement spam.

Are there really people out there who are going "Oh, my tracking number, just what I need!" and then click on it and say "Why, now that you mention it, I do have a small penis!"

The other thing that's weird is some of the spam wants to enlarge you to 7 inches, and some of it wants to enlarge you to 13 inches. So I'm very curious about how big they think my penis is right now. And the 13 inches is the one with the tight pussy subject line, which...um, no thank you!

The other thing that's weird is it's all loudly heterocentric. You'd think there'd be at least SOME gay penis enlargement spam?