You aren't supposed to drink when you have a head injury. I didn't have any bottles in the house the day I hit my head, so it was a simple matter to just not go to the LCBO.
Some time passed, with my brain doing a variety of strange things, most of which were extremely temporary (i.e. one day of weirdness), the stickiest of which was vision issues, and none of which were cognitive issues or balance issue or anything that could be exacerbated by alcohol.
But I never got around to going to the LCBO, so I continued not drinking.
After some time, I noticed it was taking significantly longer to fall asleep each night, and I wondered if that was because of the absence of alcohol. I thought I should go to the LCBO, get just one small bottle, and have just one standard drink under controlled conditions, for science.
But I never got around to it, so I continued not drinking.
The sleep situation stabilized. I started vision therapy. I scaled back and eventually completely eliminated my system of rest breaks. I spent more days not crying than crying. I started working on waking up to an alarm again (with mixed results).
And I still never got around to going to the LCBO.
It's been five months since I had any alcohol. It has occurred to me on and off that I should have a drink at home under controlled conditions so I can see how my body reacts, and I just keep...not getting around to it.
In the past, people have expressed concern about my drinking because I like drinking. People have expressed concern about drinking because I drink alone rather than going out or inviting people over every single time I fancy a drink. People have expressed concern about my drinking because people have expressed concern about my drinking.
But I'm pretty sure alcoholics don't just...not get around to buying more alcohol, especially when they have already arrived at the conclusion that they should drink alcohol for science.
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Normally when people talk about not drinking for a period of time, they talk about how they feel better and don't miss it.
I don't feel better for not drinking. I don't feel worse, but I don't feel better either. I haven't lost weight. I don't feel like I've saved money. I don't feel in any way healthier. Basically everything feels exactly the same, except for the residual symptoms of my head injury.
It wouldn't be fair to say I don't miss it either. Whenever I see a mention of someone drinking wine in something I'm reading, I think "Ooh, a glass of wine would be nice!" I kind of miss the feeling of fun-twirling-around tipsy, but I'm so wary of falling now that I wouldn't risk that anyway. At the same time, I don't really feel deprived, because it isn't something I can't do or shouldn't do. It's just another thing I'm procrastinating, and I can stop procrastinating whenever I want.
2 comments:
Very interesting. People have expressed similar concerns to me -- and I have expressed them about my partner's alcohol consumption.
We've done cleanses where we had no alcohol, sugar, caffeine, white flour, or processed food. I confirmed that I am definitely addicted to caffeine (many stories there) but not to alcohol.
So were you actually concerned about being an alcoholic, or was this your friends' concern only and this proves you were right?
I never thought I was an alcoholic, but during the course of my life various people have gotten their hands on checklists and founds boxes to check that applied to me.
I am definitely addicted to caffeine though. I tried to stop coffee after my reflux diagnosis, and I had untenable headaches that rendered me non-functional - like how people describe hangovers. (I've never had a hangover myself.)
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