I've repeatedly found myself in situations where someone tells me, in response to whatever is bothering me, "Don't let it bother you." As though I can just not let it bother me. As though I somehow had that ability but it never occurred to me to exercise it.
I've heard this from enough different people - and heard enough people state firsthand that they simply don't let something bother them - that I'm beginning to suspect there are people who have this ability, who can just...not let something bother them. But the fact remains that I don't have this ability, and if you want me to not let something bother me you're going to have to give me a step-by-step procedure. (I've been mentioning the need for a procedure for a couple of years so far, but no one has yet provided me with one.)
Here's an analogy: "Build a bridge!"
Suppose someone told me to build a bridge, by which they mean an actual proper bridge that cars and trucks and people can safely use, and by which they mean I should actually build it myself rather than commissioning or convincing professional bridge-builders to do it.
I know what a bridge is. I know what they look like, I've seen them before, I've even had the odd glimpse of a bridge in the process of being built. I know the benefits of a bridge. I've used them before. I'm well aware that it's far more difficult to cross a river or a ravine without a bridge. I know that if you have an expanse to cross, the presence of a bridge will make it far easier for everyone involved.
But I still have no idea how to go about building a bridge.
If you wanted to resolve this situation and get an actual real bridge built by me personally, there would simply be no point in nagging me to build a bridge, or convincing me of the benefits of a bridge. I already know that. What I'd need is basic, step-by-step instructions on how to build a bridge.
What do you do first? IRL I have no idea, but for the sake of argument let's say you start by putting up pillars. Okay, but how do you put up pillars? Where do you get the pillars from and/or how do you make them? Let's say the first step in putting up pillars is digging a hole to put them in. How big a hole? What do I dig it with? Where do I acquire the digging device and how do I operate it?
You'd have to go through this for every single step of the bridge-building process, or else the bridge isn't going to get built. If you leave me to figure it out myself, it's just going to make a mess and wreck stuff and inconvenience people.
Similarly, if you want me to not let something bother me, you're going to have to tell me how step by step. It's simply not going to work otherwise.
8 comments:
You're right, people should be way more precise and specific. But lots of people probably have no idea how they do it - how they don't let something bother them - because it's their natural way of being, their default setting. They don't know how it got there and can't control it.
Added to this, there are different forms of not letting something bother you. Some people are in denial and the issue is festering and coming out in different ways - others are probably going through other kinds of complex but not-fully-conscious defense or coping mechanisms.
Is "Try not to let it bother you" equally unhelpful? I have been known to say something like, Try not to let it bother you, because you can't control it, and what will be, will be, so try not to focus on it." Is that equally insensitive? I'd appreciate the feedback.
I'd say the "try" adds nothing in particular. Are people going to go "Oh wow, TRY! It never occurred to me to TRY! I'll just do that!" Is "Try to build a bridge" any more helpful?
It reminds me of a bit of dialogue that kept being written in to Star Trek episodes:
Person A: "I can't remember!"
Person B: "Try!"
I was considering responding to this by commenting "Try not to let it bother you" on your November 2 blog post, but thought that might be just a wee bit too assholic.
Well, I guess I'd better lose that from my repetoire. Although I don't know if your reaction is typical, it's worth losing in case it is.
Yes, that would have been plenty assholic. :)
Is it helpful to you if someone says "(Don't)/(Try not to) let it bother you" to you?
If so, are you able to articulate why/how it's helpful?
Yes, I do find it helpful. In general, I would say anything that I wouldn't want said to me.
To me it's a comforting reminder that much of life is outside of my control, that time and energy spent worrying about things outside my control are wasted, that I can choose to focus my attention elsewhere, and it's worth the effort to do so.
In my belief system, we're not passive victims of our emotions - we can say, ok, I've felt this, I acknowledge it, now enough already, I'm moving on. "Try not to let it bother you" reminds me that I can exert active influence over my emotions, and through that effort, I can help myself re-focus and feel better.
Of course, this only applies when someone is genuinely concerned and compassionate. An off-hand platitude tossed over the shoulder (metaphorically speaking) will not have this effect - but I'm unlikely to share my feelings with someone who would do that, so it's unlikely to happen.
Also, it wouldn't work if it's the only thing the person says. It would come with other expressions of understanding and concern, and a better articulation of why I should try not to let it bother me.
Something like... "I know this hurts. It sucks. But you can't control it. Try to put your mind on other things. Try not to let it bother you."
It's so interesting how different people's brains work differently! Focusing my attention elsewhere doesn't stop the bothering (that would be such a cool superpower to have!), the bother just sits there bothering me while I'm trying to do other stuff. Like the bottom layer of clutter, I can pile all kinds of stuff on top of it, but it never goes away.
Yes, it is interesting!
It does depend on how bad the bother is. Plus any bother is going to need some time on its own, time to live with the feelings a little.
I am EXACTLY the same way. People have said this (and similar things that are along the same line, like that I shouldn't let people have the power to hurt me) and it drives me NUTS because I can't do it. You're right. There does need to be some kind of step-by-step procedure for learning how to do it.
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