Being on hold is tiresome and tedious, especially if you don't have a speakerphone.
Instead of putting us on hold, why not have the waiting callers' phone numbers automatically added to a callback queue, and the next available representative can call us back? It would take up marginally more of the reps' time (although it seems like a computer could automatically take care of the dialling and connecting), but it would be better customer service and less stressful for the customers.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Why childfree people are useful to your children
Some people who are parents like to try to convince others (including the childfree) to have children.
I think this is a strategic error on their part.
First, if I don't have children, I'm not creating competition for your child. My child would be after the same daycare spaces and university spaces and scholarships and jobs as your child. Why would you want that?
Second, if I don't have children, the resources that would be dedicated to my children have the potential of going to your children.
Example: several months ago, the manufacturer of My Favourite Little Person's favourite cereal changed the recipe so it contained something she was allergic to. Her parents (who, by the way, are not the kind of parents who try to convince CF people to have kids) were trying to hoard as much of the old version as possible, so I promptly went to the supermarket, bought up every box, and brought it all to them. But if I had a baby of my own, especially if my baby had the same allergy, I would have responded to this news by buying up every box for my own baby, and MFLP would be out a few months' worth of cereal.
Another example: I was recently at a professional gathering where some of the people in attendance were new parents. One person, who was on maternity leave, brought her baby with her. She wanted to have an uninterrupted cup of coffee, so several people, including me, held the baby for a period of time. I was holding him when he started fussing, and even managed to get him to stop fussing so his mother didn't have to drop everything. But if I had a baby of my own, I wouldn't have found holding a baby to be an interesting and amusing diversion and would have instead been more interested in having my own uninterrupted cup of coffee, and that baby would have had a more stressed mommy that day.
Obviously, a few boxes of cereal and a round of fussy baby bouncing aren't life-changing. Most of the time, my life has no impact on the children around me - positive or negative. But when I do come in contact with the children around me, the fact that I have no children of my own allows me to be a slight positive influence in a way that wouldn't be as possible if I had kids.
I think this is a strategic error on their part.
First, if I don't have children, I'm not creating competition for your child. My child would be after the same daycare spaces and university spaces and scholarships and jobs as your child. Why would you want that?
Second, if I don't have children, the resources that would be dedicated to my children have the potential of going to your children.
Example: several months ago, the manufacturer of My Favourite Little Person's favourite cereal changed the recipe so it contained something she was allergic to. Her parents (who, by the way, are not the kind of parents who try to convince CF people to have kids) were trying to hoard as much of the old version as possible, so I promptly went to the supermarket, bought up every box, and brought it all to them. But if I had a baby of my own, especially if my baby had the same allergy, I would have responded to this news by buying up every box for my own baby, and MFLP would be out a few months' worth of cereal.
Another example: I was recently at a professional gathering where some of the people in attendance were new parents. One person, who was on maternity leave, brought her baby with her. She wanted to have an uninterrupted cup of coffee, so several people, including me, held the baby for a period of time. I was holding him when he started fussing, and even managed to get him to stop fussing so his mother didn't have to drop everything. But if I had a baby of my own, I wouldn't have found holding a baby to be an interesting and amusing diversion and would have instead been more interested in having my own uninterrupted cup of coffee, and that baby would have had a more stressed mommy that day.
Obviously, a few boxes of cereal and a round of fussy baby bouncing aren't life-changing. Most of the time, my life has no impact on the children around me - positive or negative. But when I do come in contact with the children around me, the fact that I have no children of my own allows me to be a slight positive influence in a way that wouldn't be as possible if I had kids.
Can you see my twitter feed?
My latest tweets are supposed to be appearing in the top of the left-hand column of my blog, under the cursive word "Currently". However, I can't see them. I can just see the link that says "Follow me on Twitter".
Can you see them? Which browser are you using?
Can you see them? Which browser are you using?
Things They Should Invent: non-emasculating way to praise small penises
General societal attitude towards penises is that bigger is better. But, given that the internal dimensions of the human body are finite, it is possible for a penis to be too big from the point of view of the person on the receiving end. And, if you've been in that situation, you might find yourself thinking that a smaller penis would be more enjoyable.
People who have had a partner with an uncomfortably large penis are aware of this. Based on what I've read in Savage Love comment threads, owners of uncomfortably large penises are aware of this. But are owners of small penises aware of this?
It's not something you can tell someone. Even putting aside the fact that comparing one lover to another is in poor taste, telling a man "Oh, your penis is so nice and small, not like my previous boyfriend's. His was enormous, it was so uncomfortable!" is not going to make him feel good. Nor is a delighted "Oh, it's so nice and manageable!" when he takes off his pants for the first time, even though you are truly delighted about it.
The language surrounding not just small penises but also non-big penises all makes it sound like a deficiency to be compensated for. "It's not size that matters, it's what you do with it," as though not being gargantuan needs to be compensated for with skill. Even porn about small penises (or at least the first page of google results thereof) seems to have themes of humiliation and emasculation, rather than being intended to reflect the fact that viewers of various shapes and sizes may wish to see people they can identify with in porn, or the fact that sticking a projectile the size of one's forearm into a space the size of one's pinky is not necessarily everyone's idea of optimal sexiness.
This attitude of small penises as a deficiency to be made up for or an emasculating humiliation is so wholly pervasive that, even as I sit here wishing for a way to praise small penises, I feel the need to protect the dignity of those I love and have loved by explicitly stating that this whole question is purely academic for me. I have never been in the situation of discovering that a penis is smaller than I expected. However, I have given thought to the matter, and it occurs to me that I may well feel positively about the situation, and I would like to have the option of expressing any delight, enthusiasm, or other positive emotions I may feel at the time.
If you discover something delightful when undressing your lover but do not feel you can comment positively on it (or, if you want to make a positive comment, you have to do so in a way that could imply you mean the opposite of what you really do), we have a cultural problem and a linguistic problem. We need to figure out how to fix it.
People who have had a partner with an uncomfortably large penis are aware of this. Based on what I've read in Savage Love comment threads, owners of uncomfortably large penises are aware of this. But are owners of small penises aware of this?
It's not something you can tell someone. Even putting aside the fact that comparing one lover to another is in poor taste, telling a man "Oh, your penis is so nice and small, not like my previous boyfriend's. His was enormous, it was so uncomfortable!" is not going to make him feel good. Nor is a delighted "Oh, it's so nice and manageable!" when he takes off his pants for the first time, even though you are truly delighted about it.
The language surrounding not just small penises but also non-big penises all makes it sound like a deficiency to be compensated for. "It's not size that matters, it's what you do with it," as though not being gargantuan needs to be compensated for with skill. Even porn about small penises (or at least the first page of google results thereof) seems to have themes of humiliation and emasculation, rather than being intended to reflect the fact that viewers of various shapes and sizes may wish to see people they can identify with in porn, or the fact that sticking a projectile the size of one's forearm into a space the size of one's pinky is not necessarily everyone's idea of optimal sexiness.
This attitude of small penises as a deficiency to be made up for or an emasculating humiliation is so wholly pervasive that, even as I sit here wishing for a way to praise small penises, I feel the need to protect the dignity of those I love and have loved by explicitly stating that this whole question is purely academic for me. I have never been in the situation of discovering that a penis is smaller than I expected. However, I have given thought to the matter, and it occurs to me that I may well feel positively about the situation, and I would like to have the option of expressing any delight, enthusiasm, or other positive emotions I may feel at the time.
If you discover something delightful when undressing your lover but do not feel you can comment positively on it (or, if you want to make a positive comment, you have to do so in a way that could imply you mean the opposite of what you really do), we have a cultural problem and a linguistic problem. We need to figure out how to fix it.
Coping tips for a young introvert
From a recent Dear Prudence chat:
In addition to Prudie's answer, I have some ideas:
- First of all, don't worry about the fact that she's fading into the background! That's not a problem. She doesn't need to be the star. She's there, she's doing her duty, she's not being rude to anyone, that's sufficient. Work with her on managing the situation so she doesn't get overly drained and melt down, work on giving her options for respites and recharging, protect and advocate for her within the family, but don't worry that she isn't the star of the family dinner table. Civil and emotionally neutral is sufficient.
- In terms of specific strategies, is there a job she could do that would take her away from everyone else? A dog that needs walking? A sleeping baby that needs to be checked on? Something that needs to be fetched from the garage?
- Is it possible for her to spend a small amount of time (like 10 minutes) in the car alone while everyone else is in the house? You could have a code "I need to get something out of the car", give her the keys, and let her get in the back and decompress. If anyone comes out to check on her, she could be rummaging through a bag that's in the car. (Besides, anyone who catches an 11-year-old girl secretively getting something out of the car is just going to assume that she got her period.)
- Set a schedule, tell her what it is, and stick to it. "We're going to Auntie Em's for dinner at 6, and we'll leave by 10." It's much more bearable when you know when it's going to end.
- If the house is big enough to have multiple bathrooms, when she needs a break she could use the upstairs bathroom. The two-storey suburban houses in my family have a small powder room downstairs, and a full bathroom upstairs that's the family's primary bathroom (for showering, brushing teeth, etc.) but isn't in any of the bedrooms. (There's often also an ensuite in the master bedroom.) Usually guests use the downstairs bathroom, but when there's a lot of people in the house and it's family, you might use the upstairs bathroom if the downstairs bathroom is occupied. This would be quieter and give you a moment alone. You can pretty much stay in there until you hear someone coming up the stairs, and then you have the excuse "Oh, the downstairs bathroom was occupied and I couldn't wait." (Again, they'll just assume that she got her period.)
- If there is an unoccupied "public" room of the house (i.e. not someone's bedroom), she could go hang out there and, if someone comes and asks her what she's doing, she could say "Oh, I was just admiring this picture on the wall. What's the story behind it?" Practise plausible scripts with her, so she can turn being "caught" being alone into a pleasant sociable conversation-starter.
- If the trip involves overnight stays, can you stay in a hotel rather than with relatives? Since the letter mentions the introvert daughter as having "brothers", that would mean she's the only girl, so she should at least be able to get her own bed. If you can manage a suite instead of a room, maybe she could get her own room (girls going through puberty do start needing privacy from their brothers, after all), or sleep alone in the living-room area of the suite. If you have to stay with relatives, think about how to give her her own space to sleep. Maybe she'd prefer sleeping on the couch in the den rather than on her cousin's floor?
- Can you host, maybe every other year or so? That would spare your daughter the driving time and give her the option of retreating to her own room.
- Does she have a smartphone? (Or will she within the next couple of years?) Since she likes to read, maybe she could put an ebook reader app on her phone, and, when she gets a chance to duck into a quiet room, read that way. It gives the appearance that she's just sending a quick text or something, whereas sitting with an actual book implies that you've settled in for a while. People might still think she's rude for ducking into another room and texting during a family event, but I think if she can give the impression that she's just finishing up when someone notices her, it shouldn't go over too badly.
- Try to give her at least one day off during the weekend. I always find going straight from an action-packed weekend to a full week of work (or, worse, school) is practically unbearable. I need at least one day to sleep in and lounge around at home doing nothing. If it's not possible to have a day off during the weekend, maybe let her stay home "sick" on the first day back. (You could tell her brothers she really is sick if they're likely to want a free sick day too. Again, they'll just assume she has her period.)
- Depending on the personalities involved, you might consider strategically outing her as an introvert to key family members. Don't make it a big "We need to talk" with undertones of shamefulness. Break the news with enthusiasm for the revelation and sympathy for your daughter. "I was just reading this book, and I realized that Daughter is an introvert. You know how we love seeing the whole family over the holidays and get energized and recharged from it? Turns out all this time this has been draining to her, poor kid!" If one key member of each household you're visiting is aware of her needs (and isn't going to use this information to give her shit), maybe they can help with things like letting her walk the dog or giving her more private sleeping arrangements, or at the very least not meddle and nag if they ever spot her catching a moment's privacy.
- Prudie recommends the book Quiet by Susan Cain. It is useful, bit I found Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney even more useful. It includes a technical (but understandable) description of the neurology behind introversion, and specific strategies for introverts in extroverted families.
Hi Prudie, My family is rather large (45 people on average for Thanksgiving) and my husband's parents are divorced and we try to see both of them at some point over the weekend. Our kids are 13, 11, and eight and in the past have seemed to enjoy spending the holiday weekend this way. Yesterday my 11-year-old daughter told me that she wants a "quiet" holiday. We have noticed that she is getting increasingly introverted over the past year or so, more likely to read by herself than play with her brothers and cousins. She told me that there are "too many people and too much driving." My husband and I are party-loving extroverts, so house hopping and driving six+ hours over the weekend is no big deal to us. But my daughter doesn't complain often and I know if she brings something up it is legitimately important to her. In small groups, and especially one-on-one, my daughter is a delight: creative, funny, and very smart. But in big groups she just fades into the background, possibly counting down the minutes until she can read by herself again. How do I balance my daughter's request that we tone things down with a) reasonable expectations from family to see us, b) the rest of my immediate family's love of going all-out, and c) not making the holiday all about her. My daughter's personality is so different from the rest of us that I don't know how to meet everybody's needs at once. Any advice? Any introverts want to chime in?
In addition to Prudie's answer, I have some ideas:
- First of all, don't worry about the fact that she's fading into the background! That's not a problem. She doesn't need to be the star. She's there, she's doing her duty, she's not being rude to anyone, that's sufficient. Work with her on managing the situation so she doesn't get overly drained and melt down, work on giving her options for respites and recharging, protect and advocate for her within the family, but don't worry that she isn't the star of the family dinner table. Civil and emotionally neutral is sufficient.
- In terms of specific strategies, is there a job she could do that would take her away from everyone else? A dog that needs walking? A sleeping baby that needs to be checked on? Something that needs to be fetched from the garage?
- Is it possible for her to spend a small amount of time (like 10 minutes) in the car alone while everyone else is in the house? You could have a code "I need to get something out of the car", give her the keys, and let her get in the back and decompress. If anyone comes out to check on her, she could be rummaging through a bag that's in the car. (Besides, anyone who catches an 11-year-old girl secretively getting something out of the car is just going to assume that she got her period.)
- Set a schedule, tell her what it is, and stick to it. "We're going to Auntie Em's for dinner at 6, and we'll leave by 10." It's much more bearable when you know when it's going to end.
- If the house is big enough to have multiple bathrooms, when she needs a break she could use the upstairs bathroom. The two-storey suburban houses in my family have a small powder room downstairs, and a full bathroom upstairs that's the family's primary bathroom (for showering, brushing teeth, etc.) but isn't in any of the bedrooms. (There's often also an ensuite in the master bedroom.) Usually guests use the downstairs bathroom, but when there's a lot of people in the house and it's family, you might use the upstairs bathroom if the downstairs bathroom is occupied. This would be quieter and give you a moment alone. You can pretty much stay in there until you hear someone coming up the stairs, and then you have the excuse "Oh, the downstairs bathroom was occupied and I couldn't wait." (Again, they'll just assume that she got her period.)
- If there is an unoccupied "public" room of the house (i.e. not someone's bedroom), she could go hang out there and, if someone comes and asks her what she's doing, she could say "Oh, I was just admiring this picture on the wall. What's the story behind it?" Practise plausible scripts with her, so she can turn being "caught" being alone into a pleasant sociable conversation-starter.
- If the trip involves overnight stays, can you stay in a hotel rather than with relatives? Since the letter mentions the introvert daughter as having "brothers", that would mean she's the only girl, so she should at least be able to get her own bed. If you can manage a suite instead of a room, maybe she could get her own room (girls going through puberty do start needing privacy from their brothers, after all), or sleep alone in the living-room area of the suite. If you have to stay with relatives, think about how to give her her own space to sleep. Maybe she'd prefer sleeping on the couch in the den rather than on her cousin's floor?
- Can you host, maybe every other year or so? That would spare your daughter the driving time and give her the option of retreating to her own room.
- Does she have a smartphone? (Or will she within the next couple of years?) Since she likes to read, maybe she could put an ebook reader app on her phone, and, when she gets a chance to duck into a quiet room, read that way. It gives the appearance that she's just sending a quick text or something, whereas sitting with an actual book implies that you've settled in for a while. People might still think she's rude for ducking into another room and texting during a family event, but I think if she can give the impression that she's just finishing up when someone notices her, it shouldn't go over too badly.
- Try to give her at least one day off during the weekend. I always find going straight from an action-packed weekend to a full week of work (or, worse, school) is practically unbearable. I need at least one day to sleep in and lounge around at home doing nothing. If it's not possible to have a day off during the weekend, maybe let her stay home "sick" on the first day back. (You could tell her brothers she really is sick if they're likely to want a free sick day too. Again, they'll just assume she has her period.)
- Depending on the personalities involved, you might consider strategically outing her as an introvert to key family members. Don't make it a big "We need to talk" with undertones of shamefulness. Break the news with enthusiasm for the revelation and sympathy for your daughter. "I was just reading this book, and I realized that Daughter is an introvert. You know how we love seeing the whole family over the holidays and get energized and recharged from it? Turns out all this time this has been draining to her, poor kid!" If one key member of each household you're visiting is aware of her needs (and isn't going to use this information to give her shit), maybe they can help with things like letting her walk the dog or giving her more private sleeping arrangements, or at the very least not meddle and nag if they ever spot her catching a moment's privacy.
- Prudie recommends the book Quiet by Susan Cain. It is useful, bit I found Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney even more useful. It includes a technical (but understandable) description of the neurology behind introversion, and specific strategies for introverts in extroverted families.
False ego boosting
As you've probably figured out from reading my blog, the most effective way to stroke my ego is to target intelligence. The people I was working with while buying my condo, being experienced professionals who work with people making major life decisions every day, were savvy enough to spot this. So they tried to flatter my intelligence by telling me, at various points during the course of our two hours together, that I was asking all the right questions and that I was really good and together compared with other clients they have and that the fact that I know exactly what I want is impressive.
But I know full well that I wasn't being especially smart or together or impressive, I was just muddling through and asking every stupid question that popped into my head (thank you Entitlement!). They were also laughing at every quasi-humorous statement I made as though it were laugh-worthy, which I know full well it isn't.
I hate it when people do that!
It's irritating because I know that they're faking, but I can't call them out on it ("Stop laughing at my jokes!") and pretty much have to go along because they're using it as a social lubricant and I want the interpersonal aspect of the situation to go smoothly too. But after I'm exposed to this enough, even with my awareness of what they're doing, it starts working on me and I become increasingly manipulable.
It wasn't terribly relevant for this condo purchase because I already knew exactly what I wanted and just needed to be walked through the process and have my questions answered, but normally in nervous major purchase/major life decision situations, there's some room for salesmanship, so I need to avoid being manipulated but still keep the interpersonal aspect of the situation working smoothly.
But I know full well that I wasn't being especially smart or together or impressive, I was just muddling through and asking every stupid question that popped into my head (thank you Entitlement!). They were also laughing at every quasi-humorous statement I made as though it were laugh-worthy, which I know full well it isn't.
I hate it when people do that!
It's irritating because I know that they're faking, but I can't call them out on it ("Stop laughing at my jokes!") and pretty much have to go along because they're using it as a social lubricant and I want the interpersonal aspect of the situation to go smoothly too. But after I'm exposed to this enough, even with my awareness of what they're doing, it starts working on me and I become increasingly manipulable.
It wasn't terribly relevant for this condo purchase because I already knew exactly what I wanted and just needed to be walked through the process and have my questions answered, but normally in nervous major purchase/major life decision situations, there's some room for salesmanship, so I need to avoid being manipulated but still keep the interpersonal aspect of the situation working smoothly.
News and such
So the big news, and the reason why I've been quiet lately, is that I bought a condo yesterday. It was the same one I was interested in here - turns out I can afford it now. And, despite the fact that seven months have passed, I still got the unit I wanted. So it seems like their inconsiderate presale strategy had the unexpected advantage of letting me keep a large portion of my life's savings in my own accounts for a few months longer.
This kind of good luck makes me nervous. The other shoe will have to drop sometime.
In my typical way, I was more nervous about having to go to the place and talk to the people than I was about a massive decades-long financial commitment. So I'm less nervous now that I've met the people and they're working for me now. But I'm still in the internalized and self-obsessed place. I allowed myself a completely indulgent day yesterday. And, honestly, I don't want to be blogathoning today, I want to keep obsessing and eating comfort food. So I'm making myself blogathon in an attempt to forcibly externalize. This is probably going to end up being a poor-quality blogathon.
This kind of good luck makes me nervous. The other shoe will have to drop sometime.
In my typical way, I was more nervous about having to go to the place and talk to the people than I was about a massive decades-long financial commitment. So I'm less nervous now that I've met the people and they're working for me now. But I'm still in the internalized and self-obsessed place. I allowed myself a completely indulgent day yesterday. And, honestly, I don't want to be blogathoning today, I want to keep obsessing and eating comfort food. So I'm making myself blogathon in an attempt to forcibly externalize. This is probably going to end up being a poor-quality blogathon.
Saturday, November 03, 2012
The moment I realized I was an adult
There's been a meme circulating the internet lately where you describe the moment when you first realized you're an adult.
I've had a number of these in my life. There was the time my 19-year-old self missed the entrance exam for the translation program, called them up and talked them into letting me retake it, and travelled to Toronto by myself for the first time in my life to do so. There was the time, early in my current job, when I successfully did serious and hardcore research to translate a text in a field I knew nothing about and my reviser didn't even comment on it, leading me to realize that I now inhabited a milieu where we are simply expected to be competent. But the most recent time when I realized I'm an adult was just after I bought my Bruce Springsteen tickets.
I asked around to find out who wanted to go with me and I had a number of non-committal expressions of interest, but, as of the day when tickets went on sale, I had no firm commitments. But I wanted to go, and I didn't want to go alone. So I bought two tickets.
At that point, I realized, I could do whatever I wanted and no one would ever know. I could go with a friend. I could go with a casual acquaintance. I could go with a co-worker or family member or friend of a friend. If I was reduced to trying to find some random person to go with, I could tell them that a friend had agreed to go and then had to back out at the last minute. If I was desperate, I could eat the cost and tell them my friend had already paid for it. I could sell the extra ticket and sit next to some random stranger. I could sell both tickets and probably turn a profit. I could even chicken out completely, eat the cost of both tickets, and just not go, leaving two mysterious empty seats on the 100 level. And no one would ever know that I bought tickets without a friend to go with, or even that I bought tickets at all, unless I chose to tell them.
When I was a kid, this wasn't an option. If I wanted to go to something, I had to get parental permission for where I was going and who I was going with. If I didn't have a friend to go with, my parents would know, which meant my sister would know (and make fun of me for it), which meant my peers would know (and make fun of me for it). If I asked around trying to find someone to go with, people would know that I didn't have someone to go with, which my peers might make fun of me for. If I chickened out at the last minute, I'd get lectured by my parents for chickening out (and possibly forced to go anyway, to my humiliation) and possibly made fun of by my sister for not having friends. Because our house has unforgiving acoustics, sneaking out wasn't possible, and staying home without my family knowing wasn't possible.
But here in true adulthood, I can buy tickets without having to go, I can go without having to prearrange a friend to go with, and I can keep whatever aspects I want private from whomever I want, all without at any point being shamed for not having plans fall perfectly into place.
And, best of all, after all this angst I ended up being able to share the experience of my very first Bruce Springsteen concert with a true friend!
I've had a number of these in my life. There was the time my 19-year-old self missed the entrance exam for the translation program, called them up and talked them into letting me retake it, and travelled to Toronto by myself for the first time in my life to do so. There was the time, early in my current job, when I successfully did serious and hardcore research to translate a text in a field I knew nothing about and my reviser didn't even comment on it, leading me to realize that I now inhabited a milieu where we are simply expected to be competent. But the most recent time when I realized I'm an adult was just after I bought my Bruce Springsteen tickets.
I asked around to find out who wanted to go with me and I had a number of non-committal expressions of interest, but, as of the day when tickets went on sale, I had no firm commitments. But I wanted to go, and I didn't want to go alone. So I bought two tickets.
At that point, I realized, I could do whatever I wanted and no one would ever know. I could go with a friend. I could go with a casual acquaintance. I could go with a co-worker or family member or friend of a friend. If I was reduced to trying to find some random person to go with, I could tell them that a friend had agreed to go and then had to back out at the last minute. If I was desperate, I could eat the cost and tell them my friend had already paid for it. I could sell the extra ticket and sit next to some random stranger. I could sell both tickets and probably turn a profit. I could even chicken out completely, eat the cost of both tickets, and just not go, leaving two mysterious empty seats on the 100 level. And no one would ever know that I bought tickets without a friend to go with, or even that I bought tickets at all, unless I chose to tell them.
When I was a kid, this wasn't an option. If I wanted to go to something, I had to get parental permission for where I was going and who I was going with. If I didn't have a friend to go with, my parents would know, which meant my sister would know (and make fun of me for it), which meant my peers would know (and make fun of me for it). If I asked around trying to find someone to go with, people would know that I didn't have someone to go with, which my peers might make fun of me for. If I chickened out at the last minute, I'd get lectured by my parents for chickening out (and possibly forced to go anyway, to my humiliation) and possibly made fun of by my sister for not having friends. Because our house has unforgiving acoustics, sneaking out wasn't possible, and staying home without my family knowing wasn't possible.
But here in true adulthood, I can buy tickets without having to go, I can go without having to prearrange a friend to go with, and I can keep whatever aspects I want private from whomever I want, all without at any point being shamed for not having plans fall perfectly into place.
And, best of all, after all this angst I ended up being able to share the experience of my very first Bruce Springsteen concert with a true friend!
Thursday, November 01, 2012
"Hearts as both and cars"
My iTunes started playing the Disney song "I'm Professor Ludwig von Drake", and there was a line I couldn't hear clearly. I googled it, and got:
Upon further selective googling, I found, and decided I agree with, this TVTropes page: "horses, boats and cars."
And now I'm blogging it in the hopes of increasing the googleability of the correct lyrics.
I know all about atomic energy"Hearts as both and cars"? That doesn't make any sense. The first dozen or so google results seemed unanimous, but there's no possible way that's the lyric.
hearts as both and cars and bio chemistry
Upon further selective googling, I found, and decided I agree with, this TVTropes page: "horses, boats and cars."
I know all about atomic energy
Horses, boats and cars and biochemistry
but when it comes to brain surgery then I can only do swell.
And now I'm blogging it in the hopes of increasing the googleability of the correct lyrics.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Why does it take businesses so long to answer email?
I've noticed a disturbing pattern: whenever I send an email to a business, it takes them ages to respond. I sent two emails - simple inquiries, the sort of questions they should expect to be asked every day - last Wednesday. One was the equivalent of "Do you have widgets in stock, and, if so, how much do they cost?" The other was "I bought a widget and it was missing a part. What should I do?" Still no reply. One was sent to a general email address listed on their Contact page, the other was sent through a form on their website.
This is hardly the first time. It has happened dozens of times in my life, including nearly every time I email Rogers.
When I email very small businesses, they reply within a day or two. So why on earth can't larger businesses? If you don't have enough staff to reply to or escalate every email you receive within one business day, you're understaffed!
This is hardly the first time. It has happened dozens of times in my life, including nearly every time I email Rogers.
When I email very small businesses, they reply within a day or two. So why on earth can't larger businesses? If you don't have enough staff to reply to or escalate every email you receive within one business day, you're understaffed!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Call the Midwife
I blogged before about how, in Downton Abbey, the writers' decision make the nobles in this series kind and reasonable to their servants allows more interesting stories to be told.
I think the same is true for Call the Midwife, but rather than an idealized noblesse oblige, we have an idealized integration of newly-arrived outsiders.
In the opening scene, when the newly-graduated Nurse Lee walks into the neighbourhood for the first time and sees the poverty, crowding, and fights breaking out on the street, I thought I knew what to expect. I thought the locals would disrespect her for being middle-class and educated, and she'd be totally out of her depth. When she arrived at the convent and told them she hadn't realized it was a convent she'd been sent to, I thought the nuns would look down their noses at her for being worldly and for perhaps having come from a less austere quality of life than they themselves maintain. I figured she'd find her place eventually, but we'd be in for a season of awkward and humiliating moments before that happened.
So I was very pleased to see that the series only lightly touched on that arc. The nuns were glad to have the secular nurses around because they needed all the helping hands they could get, and had no problem whatsoever with their secular colleagues being secular. The expectant mothers were glad to have midwifery care, and the midwives were respected in the neighbourhood and by doctors and hospitals. Everyone is professionally competent; sometimes newbies need to call a senior midwife, sometimes midwives have to call for backup for a complicated birth, and sometimes they need to call in a doctor, but no one loses face for doing this. Even when the posh and awkward Chummy shows up, she's still competent (and not just at midwifery - when she discovers that they don't make uniforms big enough for her, she shrugs and reaches for the sewing machine), only the meanest one of the nuns says anything judgemental, and she's integrated well enough by the end of the episode.
This all sounds very happily-ever-after, but, like Downton Abbey, removing the expected primary conflict allows the show to spend more time showing us its universe - everyday life in postwar working-class East End London and the practice of midwifery in that context. Which is the whole reason why I'm watching in the first place.
I hope this is the start of a new trend, because in historical fiction (and science fiction and fantasy, for that matter) I particularly enjoy immersing myself in the universe of the story, and I often find that the primary conflict comes barging in and disrupting that universe before I've gotten to spend enough time there. (Which may also be why I like Star Trek.)
I think the same is true for Call the Midwife, but rather than an idealized noblesse oblige, we have an idealized integration of newly-arrived outsiders.
In the opening scene, when the newly-graduated Nurse Lee walks into the neighbourhood for the first time and sees the poverty, crowding, and fights breaking out on the street, I thought I knew what to expect. I thought the locals would disrespect her for being middle-class and educated, and she'd be totally out of her depth. When she arrived at the convent and told them she hadn't realized it was a convent she'd been sent to, I thought the nuns would look down their noses at her for being worldly and for perhaps having come from a less austere quality of life than they themselves maintain. I figured she'd find her place eventually, but we'd be in for a season of awkward and humiliating moments before that happened.
So I was very pleased to see that the series only lightly touched on that arc. The nuns were glad to have the secular nurses around because they needed all the helping hands they could get, and had no problem whatsoever with their secular colleagues being secular. The expectant mothers were glad to have midwifery care, and the midwives were respected in the neighbourhood and by doctors and hospitals. Everyone is professionally competent; sometimes newbies need to call a senior midwife, sometimes midwives have to call for backup for a complicated birth, and sometimes they need to call in a doctor, but no one loses face for doing this. Even when the posh and awkward Chummy shows up, she's still competent (and not just at midwifery - when she discovers that they don't make uniforms big enough for her, she shrugs and reaches for the sewing machine), only the meanest one of the nuns says anything judgemental, and she's integrated well enough by the end of the episode.
This all sounds very happily-ever-after, but, like Downton Abbey, removing the expected primary conflict allows the show to spend more time showing us its universe - everyday life in postwar working-class East End London and the practice of midwifery in that context. Which is the whole reason why I'm watching in the first place.
I hope this is the start of a new trend, because in historical fiction (and science fiction and fantasy, for that matter) I particularly enjoy immersing myself in the universe of the story, and I often find that the primary conflict comes barging in and disrupting that universe before I've gotten to spend enough time there. (Which may also be why I like Star Trek.)
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Things They Should Invent Words For
This is related to this idea.
Scenario: I think it is important for widgets to be readily available to everyone who needs them. The last time the Purple Party was in power, they ran on a platform of "Free widgets for all!" However, this platform was not implemented as well as it should have been. The last time the Yellow Party was in power, they ran on a platform of "Ban widgets!" And they did ban widgets.
There are some people who, in this situation, would say that I shouldn't vote for the Purple Party because either they lied about their "Widgets for all!" platform or they were incompetent at implementing it. And there are some who would go so far as to say that I should vote for the Yellow Party to punish the Purple Party for their ineffective widget distribution policy, despite the fact that the Yellow Party has a very effective widget banning policy.
We need a single word or straightforward term for this phenomenon.
Scenario: I think it is important for widgets to be readily available to everyone who needs them. The last time the Purple Party was in power, they ran on a platform of "Free widgets for all!" However, this platform was not implemented as well as it should have been. The last time the Yellow Party was in power, they ran on a platform of "Ban widgets!" And they did ban widgets.
There are some people who, in this situation, would say that I shouldn't vote for the Purple Party because either they lied about their "Widgets for all!" platform or they were incompetent at implementing it. And there are some who would go so far as to say that I should vote for the Yellow Party to punish the Purple Party for their ineffective widget distribution policy, despite the fact that the Yellow Party has a very effective widget banning policy.
We need a single word or straightforward term for this phenomenon.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Journalism wanted: how can people who find themselves in Amanda Todd's position get their tormenters in trouble without getting themselves in trouble?
Amanda Todd was coerced into exposing herself on a webcam when she was 12 years old. She was a legal minor and she was below the age of consent, so surely that was illegal on the part of the coercer. And, of course, having the pictures in his possession would have counted as possessing child pornography.
Then, when she was 15, someone tried to convince her to expose herself again, threatening to distribute her previous pictures if she didn't. Blackmail is illegal (it's covered in the Criminal Code under "Extortion"), plus he was trying to coerce someone who is underage and under the age of consent to appear in child pornography, and threatening to distribute child pornography if she didn't comply.
It sounds like it should have been quite easy to report the blackmailer to police and put an end to Ms. Todd's troubles.
However, according to the story, the police knocked on Ms. Todd's door at 4 a.m. to tell her that her photo had been distributed.
If I were a teen in Ms. Todd's position, that fact alone would be disincentive to going to the police. The knock at the door at 4 a.m. would lead me to conclude that I couldn't expect the police to have compassion for me as a victim. (At the absolute bare minimum, if the victim doesn't yet know they're a victim, why not do them the small decency of letting them get a full night's sleep?) It would lead me to conclude that the police wouldn't care about protecting me from the wrath of my parents (because a 4 a.m. knock at the door would result in my parents being tired and cranky and frightened, which would mean emotions are running high), which could be a reason to actively avoid police involvement if I had abusive parents.
Therefore, I think it would be helpful if some of the media coverage told teens in Ms. Todd's position how they could get help without getting into trouble. Can you report it to the police without involving your parents? Can they investigate it if you report it anonymously through Crime Stoppers? What kind of evidence do they need? Screen shots? How can you avoid the 4 a.m. knock on the door?
Similarly, what should you do if you're an adult and a kid comes to you with this kind of problem? How can you get the perp in trouble while minimizing the awkwardness and humiliation to the kid?
I also think, if they haven't done so already, the police should come up with a way for minor victims to report their victimization without the involvement of their parents, if they prefer not to involve their parents. Victim Services counsellors should also be trained and available to help minor victims tell their parents if they want, but parent-free reporting should still be possible. And if it turns out that it is in fact possible to report that you've been a victim of a crime without involving your parents, police and media need to publicize this fact and give specifics.
Then, when she was 15, someone tried to convince her to expose herself again, threatening to distribute her previous pictures if she didn't. Blackmail is illegal (it's covered in the Criminal Code under "Extortion"), plus he was trying to coerce someone who is underage and under the age of consent to appear in child pornography, and threatening to distribute child pornography if she didn't comply.
It sounds like it should have been quite easy to report the blackmailer to police and put an end to Ms. Todd's troubles.
However, according to the story, the police knocked on Ms. Todd's door at 4 a.m. to tell her that her photo had been distributed.
If I were a teen in Ms. Todd's position, that fact alone would be disincentive to going to the police. The knock at the door at 4 a.m. would lead me to conclude that I couldn't expect the police to have compassion for me as a victim. (At the absolute bare minimum, if the victim doesn't yet know they're a victim, why not do them the small decency of letting them get a full night's sleep?) It would lead me to conclude that the police wouldn't care about protecting me from the wrath of my parents (because a 4 a.m. knock at the door would result in my parents being tired and cranky and frightened, which would mean emotions are running high), which could be a reason to actively avoid police involvement if I had abusive parents.
Therefore, I think it would be helpful if some of the media coverage told teens in Ms. Todd's position how they could get help without getting into trouble. Can you report it to the police without involving your parents? Can they investigate it if you report it anonymously through Crime Stoppers? What kind of evidence do they need? Screen shots? How can you avoid the 4 a.m. knock on the door?
Similarly, what should you do if you're an adult and a kid comes to you with this kind of problem? How can you get the perp in trouble while minimizing the awkwardness and humiliation to the kid?
I also think, if they haven't done so already, the police should come up with a way for minor victims to report their victimization without the involvement of their parents, if they prefer not to involve their parents. Victim Services counsellors should also be trained and available to help minor victims tell their parents if they want, but parent-free reporting should still be possible. And if it turns out that it is in fact possible to report that you've been a victim of a crime without involving your parents, police and media need to publicize this fact and give specifics.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Things They Should Invent: everyone who has ever been entitled to free cervical cancer vaccine is entitled to free cervical cancer vaccine
Fact: The cervical cancer vaccine is offered for free through school clinics in early adolescence. (In Ontario, for example, it's offered for free to girls in Grade 8.)
Fact: Because of the students' age and the fact that it's offered through the school, parents can veto it, and many do.
Fact: The cervical cancer vaccine is expensive. It cost me about $400 to get it 5 years ago. And, in Ontario at least, it isn't covered by OHIP except for the school clinics for Grade 8 students.
Fact: The cervical cancer vaccine is not useful if you already have HPV. People are generally considered to have been exposed to HPV if they are sexually active and are not certain are that every single one of their partners was HPV-free.
Fact: Many people become sexually active long before they're able to scrape together $400 to spend on a vaccine.
Problem: This means that people whose parents don't allow them to get the vaccine as adolescents may never be able to get the vaccine, because currently your only chance at a free vaccine is when you're in Grade 8.
Proposed solution: Anyone who was eligible for the free vaccine in Grade 8 (or whenever it's done in their jurisdiction) but doesn't get the vaccine at that point can get the vaccine for free from any health care provider (doctor, walk-in clinic, Student Health, Planned Parenthood) at any point in the future as long as it is not medically contraindicated. You go in to get your first birth control pills, they also offer you Gardasil.
This won't cost any more to OHIP than they've already stated they're willing to pay (one vaccine per girl who has been in Grade 8 since the program started), and it will achieve the public health objectives far more effectively than leaving people whose parents were overprotective when they were 13 with the choice of delaying their entire sex life until they can scrape together more than a week's take-home pay at minimum wage or foregoing the chance to ever be immunized against the cancer-causing strains of HPV. Eligibility would be easy enough to verify - it's a function of the patient's age and gender. And normal medical channels could administer the vaccinations when the patients are willing but their parents are not, because medical professionals don't require parental consent to attend to minor patients' sexual health concerns.
This isn't intended to contradict my usual position that OHIP should pay for all health care that everyone needs at all ever. However, it would serve as an effective interim measure that would better achieve the stated public health objectives without costing any more than OHIP has already stated they're willing to pay. Multi-win, no-lose situation.
Fact: Because of the students' age and the fact that it's offered through the school, parents can veto it, and many do.
Fact: The cervical cancer vaccine is expensive. It cost me about $400 to get it 5 years ago. And, in Ontario at least, it isn't covered by OHIP except for the school clinics for Grade 8 students.
Fact: The cervical cancer vaccine is not useful if you already have HPV. People are generally considered to have been exposed to HPV if they are sexually active and are not certain are that every single one of their partners was HPV-free.
Fact: Many people become sexually active long before they're able to scrape together $400 to spend on a vaccine.
Problem: This means that people whose parents don't allow them to get the vaccine as adolescents may never be able to get the vaccine, because currently your only chance at a free vaccine is when you're in Grade 8.
Proposed solution: Anyone who was eligible for the free vaccine in Grade 8 (or whenever it's done in their jurisdiction) but doesn't get the vaccine at that point can get the vaccine for free from any health care provider (doctor, walk-in clinic, Student Health, Planned Parenthood) at any point in the future as long as it is not medically contraindicated. You go in to get your first birth control pills, they also offer you Gardasil.
This won't cost any more to OHIP than they've already stated they're willing to pay (one vaccine per girl who has been in Grade 8 since the program started), and it will achieve the public health objectives far more effectively than leaving people whose parents were overprotective when they were 13 with the choice of delaying their entire sex life until they can scrape together more than a week's take-home pay at minimum wage or foregoing the chance to ever be immunized against the cancer-causing strains of HPV. Eligibility would be easy enough to verify - it's a function of the patient's age and gender. And normal medical channels could administer the vaccinations when the patients are willing but their parents are not, because medical professionals don't require parental consent to attend to minor patients' sexual health concerns.
This isn't intended to contradict my usual position that OHIP should pay for all health care that everyone needs at all ever. However, it would serve as an effective interim measure that would better achieve the stated public health objectives without costing any more than OHIP has already stated they're willing to pay. Multi-win, no-lose situation.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Why do paper grocery bags exist?
Picture a paper grocery bag:
They're terribly inconvenient, aren't they?
You can carry a maximum of two, and you'd have to put them down every time you want to do up your coat, open a door, swipe your metropass, answer your phone, or get your keys out of your purse. If a bottle leaks or it's rainy or snowy out, a paper bag disintegrates. (And, again, if you have more than one bag, you don't have the option of carrying an umbrella.) It's extremely difficult to do another errand after groceries, because you'd have to put down your bags to select something off a store shelf or reach for your wallet. Because you're limited to two bags, the likelihood of your peaches getting squished increases.
And yet, they persist. Someone invented them, someone approved the idea, and the idea is common enough that if you do a google image search for "groceries", a good number of the images are paper bags so brimming full that, in real life, some of your produce would end up on the subway floor.
The first day after paper bags displaced plastic at my the LCBO, I wasn't able to leave the store with my purchase. I was already carrying several shopping bags which were too full for me to add bottles. The LCBO cashier handed me my purchase in a paper bag, and I couldn't carry it along with all my other shopping. There just wasn't room in my hands and arms. I had to have them do a return on my purchase and give me my money back, because it wasn't physically possible for me to get my purchase home that day.
And yet, enough people think these things are a reasonable replacement for plastic bags that they got all the way through whatever approval process the LCBO has. And now people are acting as though they're reasonable replacements for all plastic bags when the short-sighted, ill-conceived city-wide ban on plastic bags goes into effect. (The most frustrating thing was when I wrote to elected representatives encouraging them to vote against the ban and telling them about my idea of using biodegradable plastic bags, which will make environmentally optimal behaviour effortless for citizens, and they wrote back "reassuring" me that paper bags would still be permitted.)
What are these people doing that they find paper useful for anything other than ripening fruit?
They're terribly inconvenient, aren't they?
You can carry a maximum of two, and you'd have to put them down every time you want to do up your coat, open a door, swipe your metropass, answer your phone, or get your keys out of your purse. If a bottle leaks or it's rainy or snowy out, a paper bag disintegrates. (And, again, if you have more than one bag, you don't have the option of carrying an umbrella.) It's extremely difficult to do another errand after groceries, because you'd have to put down your bags to select something off a store shelf or reach for your wallet. Because you're limited to two bags, the likelihood of your peaches getting squished increases.
And yet, they persist. Someone invented them, someone approved the idea, and the idea is common enough that if you do a google image search for "groceries", a good number of the images are paper bags so brimming full that, in real life, some of your produce would end up on the subway floor.
The first day after paper bags displaced plastic at my the LCBO, I wasn't able to leave the store with my purchase. I was already carrying several shopping bags which were too full for me to add bottles. The LCBO cashier handed me my purchase in a paper bag, and I couldn't carry it along with all my other shopping. There just wasn't room in my hands and arms. I had to have them do a return on my purchase and give me my money back, because it wasn't physically possible for me to get my purchase home that day.
And yet, enough people think these things are a reasonable replacement for plastic bags that they got all the way through whatever approval process the LCBO has. And now people are acting as though they're reasonable replacements for all plastic bags when the short-sighted, ill-conceived city-wide ban on plastic bags goes into effect. (The most frustrating thing was when I wrote to elected representatives encouraging them to vote against the ban and telling them about my idea of using biodegradable plastic bags, which will make environmentally optimal behaviour effortless for citizens, and they wrote back "reassuring" me that paper bags would still be permitted.)
What are these people doing that they find paper useful for anything other than ripening fruit?
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
How does the driver of the last GO bus of the day get home?
When a GO bus is full and there are still people waiting in line, sometimes they run another bus. And sometimes they do this with the last bus of the night.
So when they do run an extra bus on the last run of the night, how does the driver of the extra bus get home? Unless they have an extra driver around who's going to the destination city anyway, the driver of the extra bus ends their day in a completely different city than they expected to, and this well after midnight. Even if they drove to work, their car is in a completely different city than they are and transit has stopped for the night.
So how do they get home?
So when they do run an extra bus on the last run of the night, how does the driver of the extra bus get home? Unless they have an extra driver around who's going to the destination city anyway, the driver of the extra bus ends their day in a completely different city than they expected to, and this well after midnight. Even if they drove to work, their car is in a completely different city than they are and transit has stopped for the night.
So how do they get home?
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Things They Should Invent Words For
You are very limited in life if you lack certain skills. However, having these skills does not, in and of itself, make you employable. Examples include literacy, numeracy, driving, and using a computer. If you don't have these skills, you're at a significant disadvantage - both in the labour market and in life. But having them gives you no particular advantage. no one would ever hire you simply because you can read, do basic math, drive a car, and operate a computer.
We need a word for skills like this.
We need a word for skills like this.
New Rules: Natural Consequences Edition II
As an addendum to this post:
6. Sometimes, when you ask for advice on how to find someone to provide a service you've never dealt with before (real estate agent/therapist/plumber/financial advisor), people tell you "Ask around!" or "Ask your friends!" Even though if you're having that conversation, you're already asking around. Therefore, anyone who suggests "ask around" to someone who's already asking around, or who suggests "ask your friends" to someone whose friends don't have an answer is thenceforth personally responsible for finding the asker what they need.
6. Sometimes, when you ask for advice on how to find someone to provide a service you've never dealt with before (real estate agent/therapist/plumber/financial advisor), people tell you "Ask around!" or "Ask your friends!" Even though if you're having that conversation, you're already asking around. Therefore, anyone who suggests "ask around" to someone who's already asking around, or who suggests "ask your friends" to someone whose friends don't have an answer is thenceforth personally responsible for finding the asker what they need.
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