Wherein Porter is either a victim of its own success, or successfully self-policing (depending on how much they want my business)

I like Porter in theory. They seem convenient and I like their philosophy on paper. I don't travel much, but I always figured I'd use them if I ever go to Montreal (although I do have a soft spot for VIA 1) or NYC or anywhere else they fly. (Yeah, I know, OMG island airport, but frankly I live too far north to make myself care.)

But after reading this article in the Star, I don't dare ever fly with them.

"Moreover, that NY-Toronto run is a bit of a clique."

[...]

Linda Buckley, vice-president of public relations for Tiffany's, agrees. "It's a fashion airline," she says. "Every woman on my flight had the right haircut, the right jeans, the right rock."

Yeah, no, I don't belong there.

How to volumize your ponytail without looking like a polygamist

This is for people with flat straight hair. I have no idea what happens with other hair types.

1. Make a regular high, tight ponytail at the crown of your head, using a plain regular ouchless elastic. You can use any other kind of elastic too if you want, but it won't work with a scrunchie.

2. Slide the elastic about a centimetre down the ponytail.

3. Keeping the elastic in the same place in relation to your hair, push it back so it's against your scalp. This should make your hair poof up ever so slightly around the scalp. If it isn't poofy enough for your tastes, pull the elastic back further and repeat.

4. Pin the elastic to your scalp hair with a bobby pin. To do this, insert the pin from the back, around the elastic, so the elastic is in the U of the pin and the arms of the pin are in your scalp hair. If it won't hold, insert two pins diagonally at right angles to each other to form an X and they should hold each other.

Now your hair should be in a sleek ponytail, but not perfectly flat against your scalp. If the scalp hair underneath your ponytail is too poofy, just pull the corresponding ponytail hair through the elastic some more.

If these instructions are unclear, ask me questions and I'll edit them. I know it would do better with pictures, but my only camera is a phone and my hair and my bobby pins are the same colour, so all I can do is big black blobs.

Things I am currently wondering

1. Why don't we cough or sneeze in our sleep?

2. Do men who change their facial hair frequently always have the same facial hair in dreams as they do IRL? Or can it be anything? Is it possible to have a dream where you have facial hair that you've never had IRL? I suppose the same could hold for head hair for people who change their hairstyles frequently, but I find head hair rarely comes into play in dreams, whereas facial hair would come into play any time you're eating or kissing or having sex.

Colm Wilkinson

My Les Mis soundtrack has Colm Wilkinson playing Jean Valjean. My Phantom soundtrack has Colm Wilkinson playing the Phantom. He, of course, acquits himself admirably in both roles to say the least.

But now that I have both soundtracks on my ipod, it gets weird when they come up close to each other on the soundtrack. It's incredibly bizarre to hear the same person promsing Fantine on her deathbed that he'll take care of Cosette one minute, and threatening to kill Raoul the next minute.

For your amusement, my bathroom neuroses

1. If the person in the stall next to me is peeing way more than I am (i.e. she's making a waterfall and I'm making a trickle) I feel guilty for taking up a stall when other people obviously need it way more than me.

2. Once upon a time, I saw someone on the internet mention that they hate it when long-haired women toss their hair around. Ever since then, I try to avoid fixing my hair (a very hair-tossing undertaking) when someone short-haired is in the bathroom. Or, if a short-haired woman walks in while I'm in the middle of doing my hair, I try to do it in a way that doesn't draw attention to the length.

3. If there are other people in the bathroom, none of whom are wearing makeup, I don't fix my makeup then because I feel weird taking up counter space for something the other people don't need to do because they feel secure enough in their skin. Even though there is enough room in the bathroom and non-makeup people do tend to say "Good on you for making an effort" rather than "I don't understand how anyone can waste their time smearing a bunch of goop on their face."

4. If I'm just sitting in a stall to decompress or whatever and someone else comes in and I'm not ready to leave the stall, I loudly open a maxi-pad. However, I also loudly open maxi-pads when I am in fact menstruating and sitting in a stall a long time to deal with heavy menstruation, so you'll never know which one it is on any given day.

Still not taking it for granted

Yesterday I was at work, telling a co-worker "Yeah, so I've finished my part of Big Scary Technical Text 1 and I'll be happy to discuss any quality or terminology or consistency issues in as much excruciating detail as necessary, and I expect to finish my part of Big Scary Technical Text 2 in draft by the end of today and read it over and finalize it on Monday." Then I realized, dude, I'm actually doing this! I'm translating these Big Scary Technical Texts! And competently! I'm working on a team of people and they're trusting my judgement and I actually have developed the necessary judgement and I'm like competently and authoritatively giving people ETAs and when a discrepency or an unclear meaning comes up I do the research and find a solution! I'm translating like a grownup and they're paying me accordingly! This is awesome!

Then in the shower this morning I realized, hey, this is MY shower in MY bathroom! And the whole apartment is mine! I can take however long I want in this shower and no one will care! The peaches that I bought will all be there when I get out of the shower (except for one that decided to spontaneously turn moldy, but I didn't know that then)! I slept 11 hours last night and no one interrupted me or cared or even knew! This is all my space and I can do whatever I want with it! This is awesome!

It's been five years, and every one in a while it's still exciting to me.

Test my Sitemeter please

If you're reading this through a feed, I'd really appreciate it if you could click through to the main blog for a second.

Now go to the very very bottom of the main page (just press the End button on your keyboard) and click on the little rainbow box at the very bottom.

1. Do you see site statistics?

Then, on the left, underneath "recent visitors", click on "By Details".

2. Is the most recent visit you?

Please post the answers in the comments. Anonymous posts are welcome if you don't want other visitors with too much time on their hands to associate your IP address with your usual username. You don't have to tell me what your real ISP is and what Sitemeter thinks your ISP is. Just is it correct or not.

Thank you! Real content later today, I promise (unless like I get hit by a bus or my internet service goes kerflooey or something).

Edited to add: Don't worry, the sitemeter isn't normally viewable by everyone. I just opened it up to test it. Thank you to the people who've given feedback already, but I'm still looking for more feedback - especially if the sitemeter ISN'T seeing you.

Are official languages inclusionary or exclusionary in other countries?

Language Log has been writing about how there are some people in the US who want to make English the official language of the country (currently it has no official languages).

This has been grating on me, and for the longest time I wasn't able to articulate why. After all, I earn my living through our official languages. I have more academic and professional knowledge of official languages policy than most people, and it's always struck me as completely benign and not especially worth worrying about. So if Canada's official languages policy seems so utterly harmless to me, why does this proposed US official languages policy give me a gut reaction of "OMG that is SO WRONG!!!!"? (Yes, I know, American policy is not my business at all, but my gut reactions aren't very good at sticking to their own jurisdiction.)

But reading Language Log's latest entry on this issue, I realized what the difference is. Official languages policy as I'm accustomed to it is a tool of inclusion. It's there so people can live in English or in French. It's in no way stopping people from doing other languages as well. Our legislation is just making sure that I can read the instructions on my cough syrup in English and do my taxes in English and get helped in English when I frantically call 1-800-O-CANADA because my wallet was stolen and I need to know how to replace all my ID. But you can still serve your deli customers in Polish, you can still provide TTC information in Tagalog, and you can still label your food products in Mandarin as long as the English and French are on there somewhere too. It's setting out a minimum standard that anyone is welcome to exceed.

But this proposed American policy would be (at least if some of the loudest people had their way) a tool of exclusion. Rather than making sure people would be able to live in English, it would be trying to prevent people from using other languages. It would be setting out a ceiling and preventing anyone from exceeding that standard.

I'm far too deeply immersed in Canada's official languages culture and in multilingualism in general to even make a nominal attempt at comparing how worthwhile these two opposing approaches are. I'm too accustomed to what I'm familiar with to evaluate it objectively. All I'm saying here is this explains why the idea seemed so viscerally wrong to me - because they would be using official languages policy to do the exact opposite of what I'm used to it doing.

This makes me wonder what the situation is like in other countries. Are other countries' official languages policies inclusionary, setting a minimum standard? Or are they exclusionary, creating a ceiling that you can't exceed?

That old cliche where a small child provides perspective

Today is one of those days where I'm afflicted by a thousand small miseries. My immune system's been too busy battling my cold/cough/sore throat thing so zits and muscle aches and contact dermatitis have been running rampant. My work is boring, my headphones are dying, my hair isn't nearly as gorgeous as I want it to be, and it's that time of year where the apples I like are out of season but the peaches haven't started yet. I'm grumpy.

Then, on the subway, I see a woman with two small children, aged maybe 2 and 3. Whenever the slightest thing is wrong with one of these children, the mother has to take care of it the kids can't do it themselves. A shoe is uncomfortable, a sweater is getting too warm, a drink of water is needed, the teddy bear would be happier sitting on the other side of the stroller - every time the mother has to handle it.

I got off the subway thinking warm happy thoughts about my quiet apartment and perfectly-administered Ortho Tri-Cyclen.

Free mashup bunny

In keeping with my habit of thinking of mashes that are thematically appropriate but musically incompatible:

Rockstar (Nickelback) vs. Rock 'n' Roll Lifestyle (Cake)

I might possibly be the first person in human history with this problem

I got Icy Hot in my hair. As part of a bona fide attempt to use it as directed.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac

So apparently Fannie Mae is a creative pronunciation of FNMA, which stands for Federal National Mortgage Association.

And Freddie Mac is a creative pronunciation of FHLMC, which stands for Federal Home Loan Mortgage Association.

Note to news media: you have to tell us this! After hearing a news item on the radio this morning, I was walking around all day thinking Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were the actual names of the things, and I was all "OMG, the Americans give their mortgage lenders hillbilly names!"

Dear Nyquil: WTF?

This box of Nyquil contained two blister packs. On the left of this photo you see the blister packs, on the right you see the now-empty box. This is the entire contents. I haven't taken any pills out yet. So what's up with the blank space at the centre of the top row of each blister pack? Why not put two more pills in each space? If it's OMG too much medication someone might OD or make drugs, why not put four doses in a blister pack instead and package the whole thing smaller? What is the purpose of this random blank space?

Patriarchy leads to bad sex

From Antonia Zerbisias:

Meanwhile, south of the border, the more progressive pundits blame the misogyny inherent in so many societies in Asia and the Middle East, where, according to the United Nations, some 5,000 women every year are executed by their fathers, brothers or other male relatives, supposedly to preserve the family's good name.

If it were funny, it would be ironic.

I mean, how do you restore your reputation if you go around strangling your daughters and sisters?

It's confounding how this works.

Conceivably, men in these societies are guilty of all kinds of crimes against their religion and their states, whether we're talking gambling or drinking, burglary or murder, and yet their families don't seem to feel the need to stab them or stone them to death.

Unless they're gay, of course.

So it seems like their real problem is with people sticking penises in their family members. At its most Freudian root, there are people with penises who think that having a penis stuck in you is the worst of all possible disses.

Now there are lots of places people who know stuff about psychology and sociology and gender theory could go with this idea, but I have no training in these areas and I'm currently doped up on cold medication, so I'm going to take the easy path:

Sex must really suck for people with this attitude.

Just think about it first hand for a second. Quietly and to yourself, think about the sex act that gives you the most direct physical pleasure. Now imagine if you thought this was inherently demeaning to your partner. Not just in a little-games-people-play-behind-closed-doors sort of way, but in a big serious permanent way that affects their entire worth as a person forever and ever.

That takes huge amounts of fun out of sex! Yeah, you still get the physical sensation of friction applied to the genitals, and it's not incompatible with certain kinks, but that's about it really. To take just one example, you know the feeling when your partner does some absolutely brilliant and ingenious feat of intelligence and creativity, and you just have to jump them? These people would never have that feeling! Must be a sad life, for all you get out of sex to be friction against the genitals.

Best (or worst) unlikely cover ever

I thought I was good at coming up with unlikely cross-genre covers. (Latest idea: opera cover of Piece of my Heart). But Jaymz Bee's got me beat. Video quality sucks, but it gets the idea across.

OMG PUPPY of the moment

Arf!

Things They Should Invent: driving schools for people who don't have a car to practise in

A while back, they found that driving school grads have more accidents than people who didn't go to driving school.

It occurs to me that this might be because all driving schools are based on the idea that the student is a teenager who can practise in their parents' car. (If you know of a driving school in Toronto that isn't based on this model, please let me know in the comments. I might need it someday.) A lot of people are, especially in more exurban areas, but not everyone falls into this category.

People who do have a car and an adult driver to practice with may go to driving school, or may just practise a lot and then take the test. But people who don't have an opportunity to practise will have to go to driving school to get even a little bit of practice in. Therefore, 100% of people who can't practise independently go to driving school, while less than 100% of people who can practise independently go to driving school.

What we need is a driving school program that does not assume students will have a chance to practise. They pick you up after school and work and take you driving every day for (1 month? 2 months? whatever's an appropriate amount of time) before your exam so you get enough practice time in with your driving instructor.

Things They Should Invent: hazardous waste pick-up day (in Toronto at least)

Hazardous waste (paint, batteries, etc.) you're supposed to drop of at depots for proper dispoal. Now electronics like computers and TVs you're also supposed to drop off at depots for proper disposal.

This is fine for car people, but unworkable (or at the very least a huge fucking inconvenience) for people who don't have a car. For environmental and congestion-control purposes, Toronto's supposed to be encouraging people to live carfree. Therefore, once or twice a year, the garbage collectors should pick up absolutely anything and see that it's disposed of properly. Don't put people who are living the socially-optimal carfree lifestyle in the position of being unable to properly dispose of all their household waste.

Why are all the BC feet wearing running shoes?

In yesterday's Star, there were pictures of all the shoes from the severed feet found on the coast of BC. (I can't find an online link to the pictures, but it's on page A20 of the July 11 Toronto Star.)

They're all wearing running shoes.

Why are they all wearing running shoes? And all proper athletic shoes, no chucks or skater shoes or anything.

You'd think, given the normal range of human behaviour, there'd be some sandals or some hiking boots in the mix.

This seems like a clue.