Hi Captain!
I’m 24 years old, and next year I’m undergoing the “consecration of virgins” ceremony from Catholic tradition, where essentially I agree to give up romantic attatchments and “marry” myself to God, like halfway to being a nun. I’m very excited about this, and have already started plans for the ceremony, including dresses and rings and whatnot. Hurray for future fancy clothes day! \o/
My problem is with my family. None of my family are invited to the ceremony – I haven’t even told them that I’m undergoing it. I’m keeping the ceremony strictly in-faith, mainly because of the “woo” factor, but my family aren’t Catholic, and while my family are subscribed to the Big Man In The Sky idea, they’re not sold on the more “woo” aspects like divine intervention or godspousery. While they can believe what they like, freedom of faith and all that jazz, I’m not comfortable handling the spiritual disbelief of half my guests at my “wedding”. There’s also complicated history between us which I don’t want encroaching on what is a really important day for me. But I know they’re going to be hurt if I don’t invite them, and I feel horribly guilty about it, especially since this’ll be the closest thing they’ll get to a big white wedding for me!
How do I explain to my family about my upcoming “marriage” and why they’re not invited?
Thanks!
All The Lace
(ps: although I know you probably wouldn’t do this, I just want to make it clear that I’m not interested in any advice on finding “real” datemates to have a “real” marriage)Captain Awkward's response had more focus on the question of how to decide whether to invite family and how family might respond to invitations than I thought LW was going for.
I interpreted LW's situation as more that the "not inviting family" part was already set in stone, and it's more a question of how to explain that they're not invited without hurting any feelings.
I think the answer to that lies in the "otherness" of Catholicism in the eyes of your family.
Your family isn't Catholic, they've probably never heard of this ceremony (I was raised Catholic and I'd never heard of it!), so you can present it as a church thing that has nothing to do with them.
Mention it when it comes up naturally in conversation, but don't, like, announce it to them proactively, because it's a church thing that has nothing to do with them. Depending on what works best for the personalities or dynamics involved, you could answer any questions they might have, or you could wave it off with "It's a church thing, don't worry about it."
Your response here should be analogous to how you'd respond to someone unfamiliar with Palm Sunday asking what your palm frond is for - either explain it or wave it off, depending on how the person will take it. (I know IRL your consecration ceremony is a far bigger deal than Palm Sunday, but for non-church people they're of equal importance, i.e. it's a church thing, nothing to do with them.)
Now, as Captain Awkward points out in her answer, the price of this approach is you can't ask or expect them to be as happy for you / excited / invested in this ceremony as perhaps you'd like. The more you push this as something they should care deeply about, the more likely they are to feel left out at not being invited.
If, upon thinking this through, you find you do want this emotional investment from your family, you're certainly free to frame it that way. But that would increase the risk of hurt feelings and the very drama you're hoping to avoid. To avoid that drama, avoid the emotional investment by waving it off as nothing to do with them.
No comments:
Post a Comment