Q. Letting Wife Know About Sperm Donation: My wife and I are very good friends with a lesbian couple who is trying to have a baby. They asked me to donate sperm to conceive the child. After discussing it with my wife, I declined. They were very understanding and we remain good friends. However, in the course of our decision-making, my wife commented how odd it would be for me to have a child "out there." I agreed with her out loud, but the truth is, I have donated sperm. (I stopped before I met my wife, however.) For all I know, I could have several children "out there." I never told her about it because I never imagined it coming up and when I donated it seemed like I would always remain anonymous. After doing some research, however, it seems possible that a child that resulted from my donation COULD find and contact me. Should I tell my wife about my donations, and if so, how?
(This question is originally from a Dear Prudence chat, but I linked to the CF Abby entry because my thoughts are stemming more from the discussion.)
1. LW doesn't mention whether or not he and his wife have children or plan to have children, but if there is the potential for children in his relationship, I think he should tell his wife, just in case he one day decides to tell his children. There are reasons why you might tell your children that you've been a sperm donor (for example, so they know that they might have biological half-siblings out there and keep this in mind when making decisions about their own sex life), and different people have different ideas about whether this is a sufficient reason to disclose what some perceive as a private part of one's personal history. But, if it's a secret from your wife, that makes telling your kids harder. If your kids know, your wife should know first. And if you ever do have to tell your kids, it will be much easier to do so if your wife has already processed the information.
2. Some of the CF Abby commenters seem to think that it's not right for Wife to get a say in what Husband does with his sperm, citing his sovereignty over his own body. I question whether this really is a question of sovereignty over his own body (it makes no difference to his body if his sperm are donated or not), but, regardless, I think it's fair for Wife to at least express her opinion, and not unreasonable for Husband to take it into consideration.
What marriage has always meant to me is a deliberate choice to be each other's #1 person. If you didn't want to be each other's #1 person, you wouldn't get married. And, I think, part of being each other's #1 person is that you get first dibs on using their DNA to make children. There are arguments for or against whether the wife should be able to veto the husband's sperm donations, but I think it's completely reasonable and entirely within the spirit of marriage for her to have first dibs on bearing his children, because she's his #1 person. If Wife and Lesbian Couple all needed a kidney donation, Husband should offer to Wife first. If Husband, Wife and Lesbian Couple were all walking down the street one summer evening and it was a bit chilly, Husband should offer his jacket to Wife before he offers it to either half of Lesbian Couple. If Husband has two tickets to a concert, he should offer the other ticket to Wife before he offers it to one of Lesbian Couple. If he were to offer these things to Lesbian Couple without giving his wife right of first refusal, that would be completely inappropriate. Procreation is far more personal and intimate, so it would be even more inappropriate to let someone else bear his children first.
Another part of being each other's #1 person is respecting each other's emotional needs. This means that even if Wife's desire for Husband not to donate sperm isn't 100% rational, he might opt to respect her feelings rather than pushing them aside in favour of Lesbian Couple's desire to have a child (which is also not 100% rational). It's fair to express your emotional reactions to your partner without having to censor them for complete rationality, and it's anywhere from a valid choice to a loving choice to respect your partner's emotions without nitpicking them for rationality.
3. Personally, if I were to discover long after we got married that my husband had donated sperm in the past, I would feel that he had withheld important information. It would be kind of like discovering that your spouse had been a prostitute, or votes for The Worst Party. This is the kind of thing I'd want to know early on, because I find the egotism inherent in thinking it's a good idea to make new people out of one's DNA rather distasteful, and I'd have to work through it before I could potentially get involved with a person who has that specific shade of egotism. I'm sure some people reading this object to my distaste for sperm donation. And, if sperm donation is so important to you, wouldn't you want to know if I have such objectionable opinions before getting entangled in a relationship with me?
7 comments:
Just a couple of comments:
Your examples in number 2 here have a number of issues. Firstly, they all address the issues involved with him continuing to donate sperm secretly since he got married: I'm under the impression that this is something he did when he was younger (probably to make some money?) and I honestly don't see why it's terribly relevant to her, or any of her business. (Ditto to your "was once a prostitute" issue, by the way. Assuming the person has been carefully tested and definitely has no STDs and aren't a risk to my health etc, their past sex life is only as much my business as they care to make it.)
Secondly, all of your analogies (kidneys, jackets, and tickets) assume limited reqources. The man only has two kidneys, one jacket, and one extra ticket, while his body is constantly creating more sperm. I do actually agree with you that the wife in the situation should get to voice her opinion about what he does with his sperm, and if he cares about her feelings he should certainly take them into consideration, but it is absolutely not her final decision (much as if I were to get pregnant right now; even if my husband decided he wanted us to have the baby, I'd probably still get an abortion at this point, because I'm simply not ready for that, and that is absolutely my right.)
But your analogies make it sound more dire. By donating some of his sperm sperm (or in this case, having donated some of his sperm in the distant pass), this man is in no way depriving his wife of anything, since he still has a whole bunch to give her, and that is an extremely important distinction not accounted for in your examples.
The point of the first dibs was FIRST dibs. It would be, at the very least, cold for him to enable someone else to bear his children before his wife has done so.
But my point in the post as a whole is not logistics but emotions. Some people would find it strongly distasteful if their partner had been a prostitute; I would find it strongly distasteful if my partner had donated sperm. Emotionally, it's not nothing. And that needs to be taken into consideration when you're looking at getting into a relationship, and worked through before things get serious.
If limited resources is problematic in the analogy, look at the ticket analogy with the assumption that the concert isn't sold out. It would be inappropriate for Husband to give his second ticket to Lesbian, and then say to his wife "There are more tickets, you can get your own." She should get (or at least get first dibs on) the seat next to him, because they're each other's #1 person.
Part of making someone your #1 person is not shrugging off their emotions even if they are irrational. Based on the original letter, it sounds like Wife doesn't want other people bearing her husband's children. Because they've deliberately chosen to make each other their #1 person, she feels that she should be the only one to bear his children. And while that may be irrational because he has an infinite supply of sperm, it's the sort of emotional factor that should, at the very least, be given careful and serious consideration.
The problem with first dibs is that this something he did before he even MET his wife. It's really not fair to consider that some kind of betrayal. I get why she might feel weird about it, but it's not his fault and he didn't do anything wrong.
And yes, absolutely I agree that her feelings are real and should be considered, but as someone who deals with depression, I know that my own irrational feelings are can even become emotionally abusive to my partner, and because of this I absolutely do NOT think that irrational feelings should take precedence over many other considerations. If, for instance, this man's wife is not currently ready for kids, but his lesbian friend is getting close to menopause, should she just be shit out of luck?
(Actually, even I know that's ridiculous; it's not like the lesbian friend can't get just as meaningful a child from someone else's sperm, while for the wife I think that having her husband's sperm is way more important.)
Similarly, if someone close to the husband needed a kidney and he was compatible, and it happened that she was ALSO compatible, but didn't actually need a kidney transplant, I could see why she might prefer to keep that option open to her, but the other person's very real need could conceivably take precedence over her (not even entirely irrational) feeling.
I do like your altered ticket analogy, though :). If he is indeed still donating sperm, knowing how his wife feels about it, he is an irredeemable asshole.
Addendum: I think that what's missing in your argument is the two-way nature of this "#1 person" business. The wife should have compassion for her husband's past actions, and not see them as an offense or slight to her. She can and should take responsibility for her feelings and explore their irrationality, since irrational feelings can often be overcome (and if they make you and/or your "#1 person" unhappy, why wouldn't you want to overcome them?)
I agree with you without reservation.
When my partner and I were much younger, I learned that he sometimes liked to go to strip bars by himself. He thought I would disapprove and wasn't sure how to negotiate that, so he didn't tell me. I was way more hurt that he hadn't told me - what else didn't I know? - than by the activity itself.
Past sperm donation is something that should be disclosed. Discovering events or actions that have't been disclosed erodes trust. Reading this, I felt the man's reasons for not telling his wife about his past sperm donation were very weak. It made me question his respect for his relationship and his wife.
I really like your emphasis on accepting irrationality in one's partner. I don't think irrationality is always something to be overcome. Humans are not wholly rational beings, and we don't need to pretend we are.
I honestly don't see why it's terribly relevant to her, or any of her business. (Ditto to your "was once a prostitute" issue, by the way. Assuming the person has been carefully tested and definitely has no STDs and aren't a risk to my health etc, their past sex life is only as much my business as they care to make it.)
This is not a marriage, IMO. Past behaviour should be 100% disclosed and discloseable. Our choices and our feelings about those choices are part of who we are. STDs are the least of it. Ethics, respect, (for some people) morals, sexism - all that is much more important.
The problem with the overcoming feelings idea is the assumption that it's possible. That's like saying they should develop the ability to photosynthesize, because it would make their relationship easier by eliminating arguments over whose turn it is to make dinner or wash the dishes.
I don't think I'd want to be in a relationship with someone who can overcome feelings, because one day they might decide to overcome their feelings for me.
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