Another approach for Captain Awkward #1422

Dear Captain Awkward,

I’m in a relationship for the last year. We started out as best friends for two years and it slowly evolved into a relationship. We have similar interests and he started hanging out with my son early on and doing fun things together. We never labeled anything and just sort of let it happen. My son just turned 12 and his father passed away when he was young and he has no memory of him. My boyfriend is the first man I have ever trusted around my son and if it didn’t work out there would be no new men in our lives and my boyfriend (CJ) would always play a role in his life.

My son just asked me if he can call CJ dad and said he’s tired of being the only kid without a father. I told him we can discuss it but that CJ is in our lives and loves us both regardless of what they call each other. I also explained that some moms have lots of boyfriends over the year and being a boyfriend doesn’t automatically make men a dad. He said that CJ does dad things with him and loves us both very much so that makes us a family. CJ said he would do whatever my son wants to feel happy but I want to make sure we do the right thing. CJ’s family adores us and his parents treat him the same as their grandchildren from their other son, and they treat me equally (better actually lol) than his brothers partner.

Should we let him call CJ dad??

Thank you.

One thing to consider, which may or may not be the right decision for your family for any number of reasons: what if CJ gave your son permission to call him "dad" in front of other people to simplify things, regardless of what you do internally within your family?

Your son says he’s tired of being the only kid without a father. That might mean that the problem (or a portion of the problem) is he wants to be able to say "my father" in a sentence to his classmates without having to mitigate or explain, and without having to worry that you or CJ or someone will come swooping in and say "OMG you liar CJ isn't your dad!!!"

Sometimes in life, it's easier to apply a simpler label to relationships when talking to someone to whom the relationship isn't actually relevant. 

For example, you might say "my boss" when telling a workplace story about your old boss who is now in charge of the another department and still has indirect authority over you in some hyper-specific contexts that make sense within your organizational structure but would take longer to explain than the story would take to tell.

You might say "my niece" when talking to the salesperson while you're buying a birthday present for your cousin's daughter, who you think might be your second cousin but you'd have to google it to be certain.

You might say "my partner" to the doctor treating your partner's partner, who isn't actually your partner but you're the only person in the polycule who makes logistical sense as an emergency contact person.

Similarly, it might be easier for your son to say "my father" rather than "my mother's boyfriend who she promises loves us and is in our lives but is making a big showy show of not labelling the relationship" to his classmates, teacher, etc., regardless of what you say and do behind closed doors.

Think about it, talk about it, see if it's a helpful approach for your family.