Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Books read in April 2019

New:

1. No One Understands You and What to Do About it by Heidi Grant Halvorson

Reread:

1. Glory in Death
2. Connections in Death

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Another scripting option for Captain Awkward #1189

Captain Awkward #1189:
Dear Captain Awkward,
I’ve met somebody lovely and we’re getting married in the summer. (My pronouns: she/her, my fiancee’s: they/them) I’m thrilled to celebrate with all my family and friends…except one person.
My uncle has mainlined Fox News for longer than I’ve been alive and has selected me, his queer, liberal niece, as a prime audience for his rants. He’s also an aggressive alcoholic who has sent me crude conservative memes on Facebook.
If it were just me involved, I’d probably invite him and assign somebody to make sure he couldn’t make trouble (or have too many drinks). But I’m marrying a Latinx immigrant, exactly the sort of person he spent my entire childhood ranting about. Our wedding is going to be catered by a taco truck. I don’t want him to say something horrible to my fiancee’s family.
I can’t invite him. My father is lecturing me on forgiveness. My mother is brokenhearted and fears this will cause a rift in the family which can never be repaired. My uncle is a proud man and will quite probably never forgive me. But the whole point of a wedding is that I’m starting my own family – and I refuse to have our first day as family marred by somebody who hates the very idea of my future in-laws.
I’m not always a forgiving person but I think this is a very reasonable boundary. Am I wrong? Is there compromise to be had? And how do I stand it throughout the months until the wedding, fighting this invitation fight over and over again with everyone my mother recruits to talk to me about it?
-Wish We’d Eloped
In addition Captain Awkward's excellent advice, another scripting option is "I'm sure Uncle wouldn't enjoy this event."

The immediate reply would almost certainly be something to the effect that you should invite him anyway and let him decide, or that they're sure he'd want to go because he (allegedly) loves you. 

And your response to this is "Oh no, I wouldn't want him to feel pressured or obligated to go to an event where he would so clearly be unhappy."

At this point, you can also enumerate evidence that he'd be unhappy.  "I mean, given X that he posted on Facebook just yesterday, and his big rant about A, B, and C last time I saw him, and . . . " (you can go on to the point of tedium here if you'd like.)

At this point, your interlocutor might say "Oh, he doesn't mean it!" Then you can get into the fact that you're treating Uncle with the basic human respect of not assuming he's constantly lying.


Should you have to make it all about Uncle's comfort and happiness? Of course not! It's your wedding, you're totally allowed to make it all about what you want and not invite Uncle solely on the grounds that you don't want to!

But sometimes it can be strategic - and harder to argue with - to frame your choices as being for the benefit of another party, so I'm putting it out there in case it's of use to anyone.

Monday, April 22, 2019

"Claim your climate action incentive!"

Shortly after I did my taxes this year, I got a flyer in the mail saying "Claim your climate action incentive!"

"Aw, crap!" I thought, "I forgot to do that!"

So I went back and pulled up my tax files in anticipation of having to figure out how to get a do-over . . . and I discovered that the tax software had already claimed it for me and the extra money was already included in my refund!

This makes me think the marketing encouraging you to claim your incentive, as though some action is required on your part, is perhaps not the best marketing strategy. 

Maybe they should say "Look for your climate action incentive rebate on line 449!"  If all you have to do is nothing, that's a good marketing point, and making it sound like some action is required when no action is in fact required makes the whole thing sound less beneficial than it actually is.

If it turns out you actually have do something if you're filling out your taxes by hand on paper, they should enclose a thing with your T1 form (or whatever it's called nowadays - I haven't done my taxes on paper since the 90s) that says "Make sure to fill out Schedule 14 to get your climate action incentive!"  Or just put it on the T1 form where you fill in your name and address and everything.

If I were a government person in charge of promoting this, I'd also instruct CRA to verify every return to make sure everyone has claimed their climate action incentive. (Q: When would they fit this in? A: In the course of whatever magic they do between receiving your return and sending out your Notice of Assessment. A computer algorithm could surely do it.)

That way, anyone who does end up somehow filing their return without claiming their climate action incentive would get some surprise bonus extra money. And that would be way better marketing than instructing people to carry out a task that's difficult to find because it doesn't actually need to be carried out.

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Things They Should Invent: people who returned X kept Y

Retailers keep track of returns - you almost always have to give your name and contact information when you return something.

Retailers also frequently keep track of purchases, using loyalty cards and customer accounts and such.

Therefore, records must exist about about what customers tend to buy and keep after returning a given item.

They should use this data to make things easier for customers!

For example, if a lot of people exchange a given garment for a larger size, that's a sign that the garment runs small.  If a lot of people return Brand X and then buy Brand Y, that's a sign Brand Y might meet your needs if Brand X doesn't.

I've previous advocated for a universal clothing sizing wiki, so you can find what else fits people who fit the same clothes as you. Analyzing clothing return data may well serve a good part of this function, without requiring diligence from a large number of individuals.

At an absolute minimum, I'm sure Amazon already has this data somewhere in their massive stores of data they collect on everyone.  They already have a "people who bought X also bought Y" algorithm, so perhaps when they see you returning something, they could also add a "people who returned X kept Y" feature.

Friday, April 12, 2019

Bra options for if Fantasie 4510 makes your back hurt

This post contains descriptions of bras and of breasts, from a technical bra-fitting perspective. Linked images are catalogue-style photos of bras being worn by human models.

The Problem


After years of comfortably and happily wearing the same style of bra, (Fantasie 4510 in 34E) I suddenly started experiencing back pain caused by my bra digging into my spine.

Body Type


The Bra That Fits calculator puts me at a 34F. Most of the substance of my breasts naturally falls towards the outside, under my armpits. My ribcage protrudes under my bra band, to the extent that if the protruding part of my ribs were breasts, they would be B cups.

Bras I tried 


Freya Idol AA1050, beige, 36E 

On the first (outermost) hook, this bra is actually a bit too big based on how bras are supposed to fit theoretically. Sometimes this is comfortable, sometimes it's uncomfortable because the wires (sometimes - I haven't yet identified under what conditions) rest on my ribs rather than being tucked up neatly under my inframammary fold.

The second hook is a correct theoretical fit. Sometimes it's comfortable, sometimes it's uncomfortably tight and I like to loosen it.

The advantage of this bra is it gives me both these options.

The disadvantage of this bra is that the elastic at the very bottom of the band is "stiffer" than the rest of the band. In other words, if I put my hands on the elastic at the very bottom of the band and stretch it side to side, then move my hands up to the body of the band and stretch it with the same force, the body of the band stretches far more.  This means I'm hyper-aware of the elastic (the part that's painted red in this picture - the picture only shows a portion of the bra, but I feel it all the way around) and sometimes always feel like it's slipping between my ribs.

I'm also more aware of the wires in this bra, even though their fit is appropriate.  So, while it was the first bra I could wear comfortably, and is a lovely, high-quality garment, I've put it aside after arriving at the Fantasie and Simone Perele options below.

Freya Idol AA1050, white, 36E

After confirming that my first Freya Idol was a painless bra, I went to purchase a second one.  I bought it on ebay from a retailer in the UK, because that's where the best price was and I had to spend so much on bras during this endeavour that I want to save money where I could.

Unfortunately, it didn't fit the same way as the beige one.  The first hook on the white bra gave me the same fit (and maybe even a bit snugger) than the second hook on the beige bra, which, in combination with the same stiffness issues as the beige bra, rendered it useless to me.

Fantasie 4510, 36E

My bra fitter  had stopped stocking the Fantasie 4510, citing a decline in quality.  But I decided to see what my old style was like in my new size, so I ordered one online. The fit is correct from a technical perspective, it doesn't induce pain, but I'm still more aware of it than I prefer. I'm very aware of the part outlined here against my ribs. Sometimes I feel a tinge of something that's almost, but not quite, nausea when I wear it.  I want to take it off after 6 hours. The problem isn't what I actually feel when I'm wearing it, but rather what I'm afraid I'll feel after wearing it longer.

I did not notice the decline in quality cited by my bra fitter in this bra - all these problems are a combination of the fit of the bra and the finicky needs of my back.

I'm keeping it in my arsenal because it still gives me the best line, but it's not for everyday wear.

Fantasie 4510, 38D

Since I thought the band on the 36E was a bit snug, I decided to try a larger band with a sister size cup.  The 38 band is sometimes comfortable on loosest hook and other times has fit problem associated with a too-loose band.  Sometimes it is comfortable on the middle hook and other times I prefer to loosen it.  However, the cups are a bit too small, I bounce more in this bra, and the back arm of the wires is a bit further forward than I'm comfortable with.

This bra was manufactured slightly differently than the 36E (and than my previous Fantasie bras), in a way that looks a bit more crude and utilitarian, so that might be the decline in quality that my bra fitter was referring to. I can't tell if the difference is specific to the sizes or if my E-cup is just an older one and the D-cup is a newer one.

Fantasie 4510, 38DD

Further interneting suggested that, in the Fantasie brand, DD might be a size between D and E (I'd assumed it was a synonym for E, because Americans can be weird about letters beyond D appearing in their bra sizes).  If that's the case, the 38DD would actually be the sister size to the 38D, so I decided to give it a try.


It turns out the cups of the 38DD are a bit too big - I don't fill them entirely, even though the cups are slightly smaller than those of my 36E.  The fact that I'm not filling my cups is obvious when I'm not wearing a shirt, but a shirt conceals this.

The 38DD is the same style of manufacturing as the 38D.

I decided to keep one of the 38s in case I find myself in a situation where I need a magnificent line but can't handle the Fantasie 36E. It was a toss-up, but I decided to go with the 38DD.

Simone Perele Caresse 3D plunge bra, 36E

This was another option provided by my bra fitter.  It doesn't give me as magnificent a line as the Fantasie and the Freya, but the band gently embraces my back without applying nearly as much pressure as the others.  It's now my day-to-day go-to, with the Fantasie held in reserve for when my shape is particularly important.

The only disadvantage of this bra is it shows sweat stains at the slightest provocation, in the area painted red in this picture. Because of this, despite the beauty and comfort of the garment itself, it wouldn't be the right bra for if I had to look good without my shirt on.

Nevertheless, if I were only allowed to own one style of bra, I'd choose this one.

The unsolved sports bra problem


Alongside the Fantasie 4510 in 34E, I was also wearing Panache's wired sports bra in 34E.

I went in for a fitting of sports bras as well, and, after trying a variety of things, found the best fit was the same Panache wired sports bra in 36E.

However, this still exacerbated the back pain. I went and got refitted, and the best we could do was the same Panache wired sports bra in 38DD. Sometimes I wear it on the first hook, and sometimes I wear it on the second hook.

However, it isn't a proper fit, and I find myself wanting to take it off after a couple of hours.  (My life doesn't require me to wear a sports bra for more than a couple of hours, but I still consider it an unacceptable degree of discomfort if I can't wear a bra all day without thinking about it.)

I still haven't found an optimal sports bra.  I have to find out which Toronto bra fitter has a better selection of sports bras (or, barring that, a drastically different selection of sports bras) and get fitted again, and I haven't yet reached the point where the Panache is bugging me enough to motivate me to do that.

The bra fitters I worked with did repeatedly have me trying on various styles that pull over the head and then hook up behind the back (I don't remember the brands or styles), but I couldn't reliably do them up properly.  So if you can do that style of bra up properly, that might be a fruitful direction to look in.

March 2022 update: The Knix Catalyst meets my needs! Full review here

Takeaway

  • If the Fantasie 4510 is causing you pain by digging into your spine, try Simone Perele Caresse 3D plunge in a band size larger.
  • The Fantasie 4510 in a band size larger fits, but isn't comfortable enough for all day wear. In two band sizes larger and one cup size smaller, it is comfortable but doesn't fit perfectly.
  • The Freya Idol is comparable to the Fantasie 4510, but the sizing is unpredictable and the elastic at the bottom of the band feels uncomfortably conspicuous.
  • If the Panache wired sports bra is causing you pain by digging into your spine, try two band sizes up and one cup size smaller. But this is not an optimal solution and I have not yet found the optimal solution. (If you have it, post here!)
  • Sports bra update! The Knix Catalyst meets my needs! full review here
I will update this post as and when I gather new data.