Friday, April 30, 2021

Books read in April 2021

 1. Collected Tarts and Other Indelicacies by Tabatha Southey

Friday, April 23, 2021

What to do if you're concerned about someone's health

A thing that exists in the world: kind, well-intentioned people who are concerned about others' health.
 
Another thing that exists in the world: assholes who go around nagging, judging and generally making life unpleasant for other people whose lifestyle they deem suboptimal and, when called out on it, say "But I'm just concerned about their health!" 

So, if you are not an asshole at all and are in fact a kind, well-intentioned person who is genuinely concerned about someone else's health, here's what to do:

Lower their stress.
 
High stress is bad for people's health. Lowering stress is an excellent way to improve health. Stress is often caused or exacerbated by externalities, thereby making it a prime candidate for external solution.

So when you're worried about someone's health, give them a discount! Let them pet your puppy! Deliver your portion of the project well in advance of your deadline so they have more time to do their portion of the project before their deadline!

Basically, do whatever is within your power that will actually, IRL lower their actual real-life stress. 

Here's the tricky part: you have to do what will actually lower their stress. Not what you think should theoretically lower their stress, not what would lower your stress if you were in their situation. 

And you also have to be careful not to put any additional burden on them. For example, for some people, a gift of a spa day would lower their stress. For others, it would be one more thing to juggle into their schedule.

And if, upon reflection, you don't see anything you could do that would actually lower their actual real-life stress and definitely would not place any additional burden on them, this is likely a sign that you aren't close enough to them to see the whole picture. And advice given by people who aren't close enough to see the whole picture is disproportionately likely to come across as assholic.

Friday, April 09, 2021

The big stuck boat as an analogy for political disagreements in relationships

In reference to whether it's possible to have relationships with people with different politics, someone much smarter than me (and I wish I remembered who so I could give them credit) once said "You can disagree about what the solutions are, but you have to agree about what the problems are."

Sarah Gailey's excellent article "I Like That The Boat Is Stuck" provides a perfect analogy for this.
There's no debate over whether or not the big boat is stuck: it is a big boat, and it is stuck, and we are all aware of those facts, even those of us who are currently located in outer space.

Furthermore, most of us share the opinion that it's disagreeable, logistically, for the boat to be stuck. The boat being stuck is inconvenient. It's a big disruption! Nobody can say it isn't a big disruption. None of my distant relatives will get into arguments on The Face Website about whether or not the stuck boat is making a nuisance for lots of people. I like that.

We all agree that it's stuck, and we all agree that this is a bad thing. We might disagree about how best to get it unstuck. We might disagree about the amount of sacrifice that is reasonable to get it unstuck.  We might disagree about whether the other ships waiting to use the canal should keep waiting patiently or should detour around Africa. We might disagree about how to prevent similar problems in the future.
 
And we can have a civilized disagreement about that. We can, in fact, agree to disagree and go about our lives. If any of us are actually involved in unstuckening the ship, we can use the approach that we think is best, or pitch the approach that we think is best to our bosses. We can use multiple approaches in parallel. Ultimately, we're all on the same side.
 
But imagine that there's someone out there arguing that the ship isn't stuck. Or that the ship should be stuck. Or that more ships should be stuck. Imagine that, instead of discussing whether we should bring more diggers to dig the ship out or more tugboats to tug the ship out, they're bringing in diggers and tugboats working to get the ship even more firmly stuck.

That person is harder to get along with, aren't they?

Now imagine if, instead of a ship on the other side of the world, the problem is something more immediate, something that threatens your survival or safety or bodily integrity, or that of people you care about.

To use the example that's at the forefront of everyone's mind, you're trying to keep people safe from the virus, and but there's someone insisting the virus doesn't exist and advocating for activities that will spread the virus. 

They're just . . . in the way, aren't they?

If they're someone you already care about, you might feel it's worth keeping them in your life despite the fact that they're in the way. Or you might not. But if they're a new person, there's really no point in bringing them into your life if all they're going to do is get your boat more stuck.

Tuesday, April 06, 2021

"She bought a house" vs. "We bought a house"

This blog post discusses a non-sex-related letter from a sex advice column. The text of my blog post is perfectly G-rated, but the linked advice column contains NSFW textual content.  

From a recent Savage Love:

If my fiancé bought a house, do we say, "We bought a house"? I got laid off at the start of the pandemic, but her career has taken off and she's proud of being able to afford a house all on her own. So how do we keep things respectful while still honoring her accomplishment? She wants the house to feel like mine as well. (I'm a dude.)

This is something you should discuss with your partner. See what kind of external messaging she would prefer, see if it aligns with the kind of external messaging you'd prefer. Work together as a team to develop a joint external comms strategy. (Developing a joint external comms strategy is a fantastic couple's activity!)

While some people do value the accomplishment of being able to afford a major purchase all on their own, another thing that some people value is having a partner who is openly and publicly committed to them.

"She bought a house" could come across as you not yet being all in about building a future together, whereas "We bought a house" is a public statement that you're a team and that you're committed to each other. Some people (myself included) would find the public statement that we're a team far more desirable!

Also, some people don't want to disclose how much money they make, especially if they make more money than people around them. Obfuscating whose money went into the house in what quantities would help your fiancée keep information about her salary more private, if that's of concern to her.

Of course, I'm a random internet stranger and have no idea what's of interest to her. You have a better idea than I do, and your fiancée knows better than either of us. So check in with her, and keep things respectful and honour her accomplishment and your relationship by leading with the message that she (and you) want to convey.

Monday, April 05, 2021

Another idea for Captain Awkward #1323

 
There is a word people use all the time as filler in their speech. I first noticed it about 8 years ago and thought it was a quirk of my local progressive scene. (This is similar to someone hating “like” although I think my word is less common than that.) It has metastasized and is now popping up all over. I want to listen to podcasts where smart people talk about policy and cultural issues but sometimes I just shut them off because the word is driving me up the wall. I feel like I’m not old enough to hate a word used by young people but unfortunately I do.
 
I don’t want to miss out on people’s wisdom (delivered for free via podcast or radio) over a silly word! Do you have any ideas for not caring about this anymore? 


My idea: think of a treat - something you absolutely, genuinely enjoy, but aren't "allowed" to indulge in as much as as you'd like.

Every time you hear the filler word, you're allowed one (1) treat.
 
The challenge with filler words is you'd have to pick a small enough treat. (For example, I'd normally choose a glass of wine as the treat, but with filler words you'd be passed out after one conversation!) 
 
My immediate ideas:
 
- one jellybean
- one minute of additional fanfic reading
- remove one minute from your next workout

The rewards could be bankable, so you can save up minutes and skip your whole workout one day, for example. Adjust to your own realities and temperament.
 
The ultimate goal is to create a situation where your visceral reaction to this filler word becomes "YAY, a treat!"