Sunday, August 14, 2005
Cypress Cabernet Sauvignon
I like this one, because it's much fruitier than cab. sauvs. usually are. I don't know if that means it's a good cab. sauv. or a bad cav. sauv., but I like it. It also has a screwcap, which the label calls a "Stelvin closure", perhaps to avoid getting stuck with the "screwcap wine" reputation. Or perhaps so that when people Google for screwcap wine, they won't come up with Cypress. Well, I have just foiled that nefarious scheme!
Friday, August 12, 2005
Interrogating political candidates
Anyone who wants to be leader of a country should be asked, and have to publically answer the following question:
"How would you effectively resolve [situation*] without using any military force whatsoever?"
*[situation] being any still-relevant situation that is currently or was recently addressed by the country in question or one of its allies through the use of military force.
Regardless of whether you are a pacifist, or you believe military force is sometimes justified, or you're something of an enthusiast looking for any opportunity to war-monger (or is it monger war?), the answers that potential leaders give to that question would be very enlightening indeed.
"How would you effectively resolve [situation*] without using any military force whatsoever?"
*[situation] being any still-relevant situation that is currently or was recently addressed by the country in question or one of its allies through the use of military force.
Regardless of whether you are a pacifist, or you believe military force is sometimes justified, or you're something of an enthusiast looking for any opportunity to war-monger (or is it monger war?), the answers that potential leaders give to that question would be very enlightening indeed.
Two public service announcements
1. We know the term Indian used to be used to refer to North American Aboriginal people, and we know that term is inaccurate and outdated. There are many words and phrases that can be used instead, depending on the context. However, the phrase "Native Indian" is not one of these. "Native Indian" implies, even more so than "Indian", a native of India. It only exacerbates the problem with the term Indian.
2. If you are loudly discussing the purchase and sale of illegal narcotics, it isn't a bad idea to switch away from English when you hear a stranger approaching. However, switching to Spanish may not grant you total privacy, because a great many people speak Spanish. Not only is it a common world language, but it is also taught in schools. Try Basque or Guarani or Xo if you want a language that passer-by are les likely to understand.
This has been a public service announcement.
2. If you are loudly discussing the purchase and sale of illegal narcotics, it isn't a bad idea to switch away from English when you hear a stranger approaching. However, switching to Spanish may not grant you total privacy, because a great many people speak Spanish. Not only is it a common world language, but it is also taught in schools. Try Basque or Guarani or Xo if you want a language that passer-by are les likely to understand.
This has been a public service announcement.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
You can't compare price per volume of different products!
Attention people who keep comparing the cost per litre of gasoline with the cost per litre of other consumer products:
IT IS NOT AN APT COMPARISON!
Different products are used in different quantities and for different things.
Water/coffee/alcohol/vinegar/perfume are used for completely different things than gasoline, and different quantities consitute a "serving".
Parallel comparisons: When baking, you use several cups of flour and only a pinch of baking powder. Therefore, a litre of flour will not last nearly as long as a litre of baking powder, so it doesn't make sense for them to cost the same.
I use a generous dollop of shampoo every day, but only a spritz or two of perfume on special occasions. Therefore, a litre of shampoo won't last nearly as long as a litre of perfume, so it doesn't make sense for them to cost the same.
In a typical day, I drink one glass of wine and several litres of water. Therefore, a litre of wine will last me far longer than a litre of water, so it doesn't make sense for them to cost the same.
If you must insist on comparing the cost of gasoline with the cost of other products, compare the price of how much you need to get through the typical day, not how much it costs per litre. A litre is meaningless as a basis for comparison.
IT IS NOT AN APT COMPARISON!
Different products are used in different quantities and for different things.
Water/coffee/alcohol/vinegar/perfume are used for completely different things than gasoline, and different quantities consitute a "serving".
Parallel comparisons: When baking, you use several cups of flour and only a pinch of baking powder. Therefore, a litre of flour will not last nearly as long as a litre of baking powder, so it doesn't make sense for them to cost the same.
I use a generous dollop of shampoo every day, but only a spritz or two of perfume on special occasions. Therefore, a litre of shampoo won't last nearly as long as a litre of perfume, so it doesn't make sense for them to cost the same.
In a typical day, I drink one glass of wine and several litres of water. Therefore, a litre of wine will last me far longer than a litre of water, so it doesn't make sense for them to cost the same.
If you must insist on comparing the cost of gasoline with the cost of other products, compare the price of how much you need to get through the typical day, not how much it costs per litre. A litre is meaningless as a basis for comparison.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Things They Should Invent: reduced rent for non-air-conditioned rental housing
There was some discussion a month or two ago about the possibility of requiring landlords to provide air conditioning in the summer (the same as they're required to provide heating in the winter), but for various reasons that was found to be a non-viable idea.
However, we still have the problem that many people, including the poorest, are living in non-air-conditioned housing in this ridiculous weather, and either aren't able to afford a window air-conditioner, or aren't able to afford the increased electricity bill.
So I propose a solution: if the landlord is unable or unwilling to provide air conditioning, they must provide a rent reduction for each day when the temperature (including humidex) exceeds a certain threshold. The tenant can take this as compensation for their inconvenience, and perhaps use the money to purchase an air conditioner themselves.
A few sample formulae for how this would work out. I'm going to use 26 as the threshold because it makes sense to me. Please note that I have no idea what landlord profit margins are like, so I don't know if the numbers themselves are plausible
The simplest formula is that the percentage rent reduction for the day is equal to the maximum temperature (including humidex) for that day. Let's assume that the monthly rent is $900, which is a bit low, but it's a nice round number to work with. That would work out to $30 rent per day. Now, today the temperature reached a high of 39 with humidex. So you'd get a 39% discount on your rent. That's a discount of $11.70, which means that for today you'd pay $18.30 rent instead of $30.
Another possible fomula would be to take into consideration both the daytime high and the nighttime low. This is because there is a huge difference between a hot day with a cool, fresh night and a hot day when the humidity does not break overnight. So suppose the percentage discount is the average of the daytime high and the nighttime low. The highest temperature today was 39. The lowest the temperature (with humidex) reached last night was 29. That makes an average of 34. So the rent would be reduced by 34%, a reduction of $10.20, for a total day's rent of $19.80. But if the overnight temperature had gone down to a nice balmy 15, there would be a rent reduction of only 27%.
These rent reductions might sound extreme, but they're using extreme temperatures. Using the threshold of 26 and weather records from The Weather Network, there would be no rent reduction whatsoever on a statistically normal day.
If utilities are included in the rent, the landlord shouldn't have to pay as much of the rent reduction, because they'll be absorbing some of the cost of operating an air conditioner, should the tenant be able to purchase one.
However, we still have the problem that many people, including the poorest, are living in non-air-conditioned housing in this ridiculous weather, and either aren't able to afford a window air-conditioner, or aren't able to afford the increased electricity bill.
So I propose a solution: if the landlord is unable or unwilling to provide air conditioning, they must provide a rent reduction for each day when the temperature (including humidex) exceeds a certain threshold. The tenant can take this as compensation for their inconvenience, and perhaps use the money to purchase an air conditioner themselves.
A few sample formulae for how this would work out. I'm going to use 26 as the threshold because it makes sense to me. Please note that I have no idea what landlord profit margins are like, so I don't know if the numbers themselves are plausible
The simplest formula is that the percentage rent reduction for the day is equal to the maximum temperature (including humidex) for that day. Let's assume that the monthly rent is $900, which is a bit low, but it's a nice round number to work with. That would work out to $30 rent per day. Now, today the temperature reached a high of 39 with humidex. So you'd get a 39% discount on your rent. That's a discount of $11.70, which means that for today you'd pay $18.30 rent instead of $30.
Another possible fomula would be to take into consideration both the daytime high and the nighttime low. This is because there is a huge difference between a hot day with a cool, fresh night and a hot day when the humidity does not break overnight. So suppose the percentage discount is the average of the daytime high and the nighttime low. The highest temperature today was 39. The lowest the temperature (with humidex) reached last night was 29. That makes an average of 34. So the rent would be reduced by 34%, a reduction of $10.20, for a total day's rent of $19.80. But if the overnight temperature had gone down to a nice balmy 15, there would be a rent reduction of only 27%.
These rent reductions might sound extreme, but they're using extreme temperatures. Using the threshold of 26 and weather records from The Weather Network, there would be no rent reduction whatsoever on a statistically normal day.
If utilities are included in the rent, the landlord shouldn't have to pay as much of the rent reduction, because they'll be absorbing some of the cost of operating an air conditioner, should the tenant be able to purchase one.
Monday, August 08, 2005
The Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinghurst
I felt vaguely dissatisfied with this book. I can't quite place why. I spent most of the book wondering why the protagonist never had to deal with the consequences of his actions, but then when the consequences did come about, I found myself thinking "But that's not fair!"
I think it's quite possible that I didn't fully "get" it because of the cultural divide. The setting is in the British upper classes in the 1980s, which is as foreign to me as, like, Cajuns on the bayou in 1806. I'm sure there were some elements of interpersonal relationships that the authors intended as a given but I completely missed.
However, there were two things I particularly enjoyed about this book:
1. It showed the protagonist before he knew about AIDS and after he knew about AIDS. This was interesting because I've never not known about AIDS. I knew what AIDS was before I knew what sex was. Obviously I didn't fully comprehend what AIDS was, but I knew it was some kind of stigmatized disease that men got, although public service announcements said that we shouldn't stigmatize it. I also knew it had something to do with "being gay" (although I didn't know what gay meant at the time - it was one of those indefinite schoolyard insults). I also knew at the time that "condoms" (which I didn't know what they were - I had once seen an item that my classmates identified as a condom, but it looked like a balloon to me so I figured they were mistaken) had something to do with "being gay", although I wasn't able to make all the connections, probably because I didn't know what a penis was or how it worked or what it could be used for. Anyway, what with having, for all intents and purposes, always known about AIDS, I found it really bizarre that the protagonist in this book initially didn't. After he was presented with enough information for me to determine that his lover's previous lover had AIDS, I found myself yelling at the book "What are you doing? Use a condom you fuckwit!" Then, as it later became clear, he didn't know. He had no idea that his lover's lover's illness was a deadly STD. Because he didn't know that there was such thing as a deadly STD. That was all very bizarre and surreal, but it was an important reminder that in the first few years of AIDS being spread, people didn't know! That has honestly never occurred to me before. However, the book isn't about AIDS, it's just a minor plot presence
2. Because the book is about gay relationships in the context of the British upper classes, the book sometimeshas a lovely posh party that, with different costumes and language, could be straight out of Jane Austen, then some of the characters suddenly slip into the bathroom and engage in activities that would be a bit too hardcore for an R-rated movie. This was all quite helpful in getting little old ladies on the subway to stop reading over my shoulder. Then, after they'd been duly shocked/offended/titillated, I could shift the book into a vertical position to show them that I was, in fact, reading Booker Prize-winning literature.
I think it's quite possible that I didn't fully "get" it because of the cultural divide. The setting is in the British upper classes in the 1980s, which is as foreign to me as, like, Cajuns on the bayou in 1806. I'm sure there were some elements of interpersonal relationships that the authors intended as a given but I completely missed.
However, there were two things I particularly enjoyed about this book:
1. It showed the protagonist before he knew about AIDS and after he knew about AIDS. This was interesting because I've never not known about AIDS. I knew what AIDS was before I knew what sex was. Obviously I didn't fully comprehend what AIDS was, but I knew it was some kind of stigmatized disease that men got, although public service announcements said that we shouldn't stigmatize it. I also knew it had something to do with "being gay" (although I didn't know what gay meant at the time - it was one of those indefinite schoolyard insults). I also knew at the time that "condoms" (which I didn't know what they were - I had once seen an item that my classmates identified as a condom, but it looked like a balloon to me so I figured they were mistaken) had something to do with "being gay", although I wasn't able to make all the connections, probably because I didn't know what a penis was or how it worked or what it could be used for. Anyway, what with having, for all intents and purposes, always known about AIDS, I found it really bizarre that the protagonist in this book initially didn't. After he was presented with enough information for me to determine that his lover's previous lover had AIDS, I found myself yelling at the book "What are you doing? Use a condom you fuckwit!" Then, as it later became clear, he didn't know. He had no idea that his lover's lover's illness was a deadly STD. Because he didn't know that there was such thing as a deadly STD. That was all very bizarre and surreal, but it was an important reminder that in the first few years of AIDS being spread, people didn't know! That has honestly never occurred to me before. However, the book isn't about AIDS, it's just a minor plot presence
2. Because the book is about gay relationships in the context of the British upper classes, the book sometimeshas a lovely posh party that, with different costumes and language, could be straight out of Jane Austen, then some of the characters suddenly slip into the bathroom and engage in activities that would be a bit too hardcore for an R-rated movie. This was all quite helpful in getting little old ladies on the subway to stop reading over my shoulder. Then, after they'd been duly shocked/offended/titillated, I could shift the book into a vertical position to show them that I was, in fact, reading Booker Prize-winning literature.
Linguistic thoughts of the day
1. Why is produce called produce?
2. Why would anyone spell Krakow with C's instead of K's (i.e. "Cracow"), when using K's yields the correct pronunciation in any language?
3. Words that absolutely require hyphens: re-creation, re-sign, re-sent
2. Why would anyone spell Krakow with C's instead of K's (i.e. "Cracow"), when using K's yields the correct pronunciation in any language?
3. Words that absolutely require hyphens: re-creation, re-sign, re-sent
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Kudos to Massolit Books in Krakow
Mad props to Massolit Books in Krakow for excellent customer service! I ordered a dictionary from them that turned out to be bound incorrectly, and they are shipping me a replacement free of charge. I don't even have to send the first dictionary back!
They also were able to communicate by email in excellent English, addressed me as Ms. Lastname (thus correctly identifying me as female - it's a bit tricky because, while my name is common, it's grammatically masculine in Polish), and basically resolved the issue in the best possible way, despite the fact that the cost of shipping a second book severely cuts into their profits from this sale.
I will certainly be making an effort to buy from them again, should I ever find myself in a position where I need English-language books from Poland, or more Polish reference books.
They also were able to communicate by email in excellent English, addressed me as Ms. Lastname (thus correctly identifying me as female - it's a bit tricky because, while my name is common, it's grammatically masculine in Polish), and basically resolved the issue in the best possible way, despite the fact that the cost of shipping a second book severely cuts into their profits from this sale.
I will certainly be making an effort to buy from them again, should I ever find myself in a position where I need English-language books from Poland, or more Polish reference books.
Kudos to Michaëlle Jean
Mad props to Canada's new Governor General for very publicly stating that she intends to enrol her daughter in public school! There is far too much anti-public school sentiment out there, and Her Excellency is doing a valuable service by choosing public school for her daughter.
Materialism
Things I currently feel tempted to buy:
1. An iPod
2. Expensive makeup
3. A PVR or VCR or something that can record TV shows
Luckily all I have to do to stop myself from this gratuitous consumerism is check my bank account balance, which still clearly shows the effects of having bought a computer with more upgrades than strictly necessary.
1. An iPod
2. Expensive makeup
3. A PVR or VCR or something that can record TV shows
Luckily all I have to do to stop myself from this gratuitous consumerism is check my bank account balance, which still clearly shows the effects of having bought a computer with more upgrades than strictly necessary.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Famiglia Bianchi Malbec
No, I don't know why an Argentine wine has an Italian name. At any rate, this wine doesn't really do it for me. It has kind of a tannic or otherwise musty/smokey flavour, with fruity undertones. I much prefer the opposite - fruity flavour with tannic undertones. I don't know if that's how malbec is supposed to be or if it's just this particular wine, but this one is not for me.
Things They Should Invent: a more effective way to remove blackheads
We've all seen those Bioré nose strips, where you stick them to your nose and wait a bit, then rip them off and they rip all the blackheads out. They're very effective (although not permanent) for the nose, but even the "face" versions are difficult to use on other parts of the face and body. Blackheads appear in all kinds of strange places, like the crease of the chin, or the divet under the nose, that these strips just won't get at properly.
So what they need is something along the lines of the Nair wax that forms its own strip. You just apply some kind of goop to areas that have blackheads, wait for it to harden, then peel it off all in one piece, and it will take the blackheads with it. It could come with a bottle with various types of applicator nozzles, from a tiny pen for doing the crease of your chin, to a big fan-like thing for if you want to do, say, your entire back.
So what they need is something along the lines of the Nair wax that forms its own strip. You just apply some kind of goop to areas that have blackheads, wait for it to harden, then peel it off all in one piece, and it will take the blackheads with it. It could come with a bottle with various types of applicator nozzles, from a tiny pen for doing the crease of your chin, to a big fan-like thing for if you want to do, say, your entire back.
Friday, August 05, 2005
An open letter to Stephen Harper
Dear Mr. Harper,
Thank you for putting the idea of tax deductions for transit passes out there for public dialogue. It's an excellent idea whose time has come.
However, it is not enough to make me even consider voting for you.
Your party has been actively working against same-sex marriage and promoting privatization of our health care system. When I read your party's platform in depth prior to the 2004 election, I remember distinctly that you would not be strengthening the social safety net in any way, and some of your policies may even have been a threat to my livelihood.
I calculated that a tax deductible transit pass would save me less money than I earn in a day. That is nowhere near enough to make me even think about reconsidering my voting priorities. In fact, I would personally pay you that amount to withdraw your candidate from my riding, if that were at all a plausible or ethical thing to do. Basically, your party goes against everything I need from a government and everything I want my federal government to stand for, and one or two hundred dollars back in my pocket isn't going to change that.
Mr. Harper, try harder next time.
Other parties, why not add this idea to your own platforms?
Thank you for putting the idea of tax deductions for transit passes out there for public dialogue. It's an excellent idea whose time has come.
However, it is not enough to make me even consider voting for you.
Your party has been actively working against same-sex marriage and promoting privatization of our health care system. When I read your party's platform in depth prior to the 2004 election, I remember distinctly that you would not be strengthening the social safety net in any way, and some of your policies may even have been a threat to my livelihood.
I calculated that a tax deductible transit pass would save me less money than I earn in a day. That is nowhere near enough to make me even think about reconsidering my voting priorities. In fact, I would personally pay you that amount to withdraw your candidate from my riding, if that were at all a plausible or ethical thing to do. Basically, your party goes against everything I need from a government and everything I want my federal government to stand for, and one or two hundred dollars back in my pocket isn't going to change that.
Mr. Harper, try harder next time.
Other parties, why not add this idea to your own platforms?
Thursday, August 04, 2005
How to have a family of orphans in Sims 2
I figured out how to have a family of orphans without them getting taken away by the social worker. This only works if the oldest child is at the "child" or "teen" level - if you only have babies and toddlers, you're stuck.
As soon as the last grownup in the house dies, maybe even while they are dying, have one of the children phone the nanny service. If you have a teen in the house, you can have them track the teen's schedule and only send a nanny over when the teen isn't home. If there are no teens, you have them send over a nanny "just for now." The nanny won't leave if the kids aren't proerly supervised. However, she might die or get stuck. If this happens, have them send another nanny over. Of course, if your family is just children and teens and the teen doesn't work, you don't need a nanny as long as you don't send the teen to school on a day when a child is home.
As soon as the last grownup in the house dies, maybe even while they are dying, have one of the children phone the nanny service. If you have a teen in the house, you can have them track the teen's schedule and only send a nanny over when the teen isn't home. If there are no teens, you have them send over a nanny "just for now." The nanny won't leave if the kids aren't proerly supervised. However, she might die or get stuck. If this happens, have them send another nanny over. Of course, if your family is just children and teens and the teen doesn't work, you don't need a nanny as long as you don't send the teen to school on a day when a child is home.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
A scientific discovery
Empirical evidence gathered throughout this summer demonstrates that thunderstorms occur in Toronto if and only if I'm wearing a light-coloured shirt that will go see-through if it gets wet.
So the overall dry weather we've been experiencing this summer is due entirely to the fact that I rarely wear light colours.
So the overall dry weather we've been experiencing this summer is due entirely to the fact that I rarely wear light colours.
Ravenswood Vintner's Blend Zinfandel
This was advertised as a "macho" wine, so I bought it just to see what a macho wine tastes like, as I've never before had a wine that evoked any sense of gender.
I think they call it "macho" because it's the kind of wine that would go well with a big slab of dead something cooked over a fire. Not really my thing, but it does serve a purpose.
It also has a very slight allusion to cigars and some kind of hard-core liquor (whiskey)? At least (given that I've never had a cigar and have only had a sip of whiskey, which was enough to determine I don't like it) it alludes to the smell of sitting an old man who's had cigars and whiskey on the GO bus, caught in a traffic jam on the QEW, which is not a good thing.
Therefore, I deem this wine to be the perfect accessory to smelly things that old men do to make themselves feel manly.
The funny thing is I never would have thought of any of these descriptions if the wine hadn't advertised itself as "macho" in the first place.
I think they call it "macho" because it's the kind of wine that would go well with a big slab of dead something cooked over a fire. Not really my thing, but it does serve a purpose.
It also has a very slight allusion to cigars and some kind of hard-core liquor (whiskey)? At least (given that I've never had a cigar and have only had a sip of whiskey, which was enough to determine I don't like it) it alludes to the smell of sitting an old man who's had cigars and whiskey on the GO bus, caught in a traffic jam on the QEW, which is not a good thing.
Therefore, I deem this wine to be the perfect accessory to smelly things that old men do to make themselves feel manly.
The funny thing is I never would have thought of any of these descriptions if the wine hadn't advertised itself as "macho" in the first place.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Unwanted attention
I've been getting far more unwanted negative attention from men this weekend than usual. That's particularly strange, because this weekend I have been taking no care whatsoever with my physical appearance. Every time I've left the house I've been alone and doing a pressure-free errand like grocery shopping or going to the library, so I've been dressing strictly for comfort and modesty in big long skirts, old unflattering t-shirts, and rather butch sandals. I haven't been wearing any makeup and my hair is generally in a sloppy bun because of the heat. I haven't been showing even a glimpse of thigh, midriff or cleavage, and in many cases I'm probably the least attractive person in my general vincinity. This makes no sense.
Maybe it's because when I make no effort whatsoever, the loudmouth assholes can no longer see that I'm out of their league?
Maybe it's because when I make no effort whatsoever, the loudmouth assholes can no longer see that I'm out of their league?
Why I choose not to take Pascal's wager
From a letter to the editor in the Toronto Star:
The reason I, personally, do not try to follow a faith that believes in a god is that for me, there is no god. I spent years under the impression that to be a good person one had to be thoroughly and devoutly religious, but my attempts to be religious were all fruitless. When I prayed, there was nothing there. It wasn't just that my prayers weren't answered, it wasn't even that whatever was supposed to be listening to my prayers was pretending not to listen it was more like talking to a brick wall or a disconnected phone. There was nothing there. I felt like a great dirty hypocrite every time I prayed or set foot in a church, because I knew that no matter how hard I tried, I would just be going through the motions and keeping up appearances, living a lie, which is surely a sin.
If I did choose to live by Pascal's wager and follow a faith, I would simply be living a lie. I would be nothing more than a liar and a hypocrite who just keeps up appearances in order to impress people. If it turned out that fait was correct, I would still be going to hell on judgement day because any deity worth the title of deity would be able to tell that I'd been living my life as a hypocrite, and surely wouldn't be too impressed that I'd thought I could fool an omniscient deity with a bit of genuflecting and a couple of Hail Marys.
However, I have instead chosen to put the energy that I used to use to fake piety into doing whatever I feel like, whatever feels good. What I feel like and what feels good is simply being the best possible version of myself I can be, the kind of person I've always wanted to be. The best possible outcome of this course of action is that I help a few people, make a few people happy, and leave the world a slightly better place. The worst possible outcome is that I won't have hurt anyone. So then if judgement day does come I might still end up going to hell as an atheist, but there's a slight chance that judgement transcends religion and I might go to heaven as a good person. In any case, I'm no worse off being true to myself and not putting large quantities of energy into living a lie.
I find it rather terrifying that there are people for whom "doing whatever they feel like, whatever feels good" is automatically equated with doing something bad or harmful, and the only thing stopping them from doing this is their belief in something that, despite half a lifetime of searching, simply does not exist for me.
How many people even think about Pascal's wager, which says that if we try to follow a faith that believes in God (and His commandments) and find out when we die that we were correct in that faith, we will have found salvation. And if we were wrong, we lost out on a bit of "fun."
But if we do not believe in God, and if we do whatever we like or whatever feels good, and in the final judgment find out that we were wrong, where will we be?
The reason I, personally, do not try to follow a faith that believes in a god is that for me, there is no god. I spent years under the impression that to be a good person one had to be thoroughly and devoutly religious, but my attempts to be religious were all fruitless. When I prayed, there was nothing there. It wasn't just that my prayers weren't answered, it wasn't even that whatever was supposed to be listening to my prayers was pretending not to listen it was more like talking to a brick wall or a disconnected phone. There was nothing there. I felt like a great dirty hypocrite every time I prayed or set foot in a church, because I knew that no matter how hard I tried, I would just be going through the motions and keeping up appearances, living a lie, which is surely a sin.
If I did choose to live by Pascal's wager and follow a faith, I would simply be living a lie. I would be nothing more than a liar and a hypocrite who just keeps up appearances in order to impress people. If it turned out that fait was correct, I would still be going to hell on judgement day because any deity worth the title of deity would be able to tell that I'd been living my life as a hypocrite, and surely wouldn't be too impressed that I'd thought I could fool an omniscient deity with a bit of genuflecting and a couple of Hail Marys.
However, I have instead chosen to put the energy that I used to use to fake piety into doing whatever I feel like, whatever feels good. What I feel like and what feels good is simply being the best possible version of myself I can be, the kind of person I've always wanted to be. The best possible outcome of this course of action is that I help a few people, make a few people happy, and leave the world a slightly better place. The worst possible outcome is that I won't have hurt anyone. So then if judgement day does come I might still end up going to hell as an atheist, but there's a slight chance that judgement transcends religion and I might go to heaven as a good person. In any case, I'm no worse off being true to myself and not putting large quantities of energy into living a lie.
I find it rather terrifying that there are people for whom "doing whatever they feel like, whatever feels good" is automatically equated with doing something bad or harmful, and the only thing stopping them from doing this is their belief in something that, despite half a lifetime of searching, simply does not exist for me.
The necessary everyday tasks of life
I can't sleep, despite the fact that it's raining, so I am going to document this.
Quite a lot of angst and strife in my childhood boils down to the fact that for my parents, eating is purely a chore. Something to get out of the way so they can get on with their day. For me it is more important than that - eating exactly the food I want is a source of joy, and being denied the opportunity to eat exactly the food I want is downright depressing. Upon further reflection, I realized that various everyday activities have different levels of importance for different people. So I'm going to write down how I feel about various everyday tasks - pleasurable? a hardship? neutral? - until I get tired and decide to go to sleep.
Eating: highly pleasurable when I can eat exactly what I feel like eating. This doesn't necessarily mean gourmet food, just what my body and my palate want. Not having access to the foods I crave over significant periods of time is very depressing. Being hungry makes me grumpy like a toddler - unfortunately it took me until about the age of 20 to realize this - and can also make me nauseous, which is rather counterproductive.
Drinking (water etc.): always pleasurable. I have a very low thirst tolerance, so a drink of cold water is always refreshing. Slight negative associations with being told to "stay hydrated", but really I'll stay hydrated by myself if left to my own devices with a drinking vessel and a source of cold water.
Going to the bathroom: always a positive experience. I use this time as a perfectly valid excuse for a mental break from whatever I'm doing, and the act of eliminating itself can be quite enjoyable when it is badly needed. This becomes a negative experience when suitable facilities are not available, but that has nothing to do with going to the bathroom itself and everything to do with icky crawly things.
Showering: a pleasurable experience, very relaxing, an excellent place to get thinking done. Negative only when unsuitable facilities are available - see above.
Brushing my teeth: neutral in most cases, a chore when I'm in a hurry or uncomfortable or exhausted
Hair removal: I think it averages out to neutral. The look and feel of having unwanted hair freshly removed is positive, but the actual maintenance work is quite the chore and I have no particular enjoyment of the process. This is such a precarious balance that I put more of a cost-benefit analysis into any decision to change my hair removal routine than most people put into taking out a loan.
Hair care: fraught with issues, but averages out to neutral.
Nail care: pleasurable by association. I've made a ritual of having a glass of wine and reading fanfic or gaming while doing my nails, so it's a perfectly valid one-hour vacation from my everyday duties.
Skin care: neutral, with small bursts of pleasure during particularly effective acne removal
Makeup: as a normal everyday activity, makeup is neutral, but if for whatever reason I don't have access to or am not permitted to apply makeup in a situation where I feel the need to do so, this becomes disproprotionately negative.
Selecting clothing: generally neutral, sometimes positive if I feel particularly pleased with what I get to wear, very occasionally negative if I feel completely displeased with what I have to wear
Shopping: neutral to negative. It's always a chore, but it can be a harmless chore if approached properly.
Laundry: quite the chore, but I have made it slightly positive by excusing myself from several other duties while I'm doing laundry
Dishes: one of my least favourite chores. I make it bearable by doing it in TV commercial breaks or while talking on the phone.
Exercising: a chore, completely negative. Not at all enjoyable. Strong negative associations. If I were permitted to be excused from one everyday real-life responsibility, it would be dealing with icky crawling things; if I were permitted to be excused from two everyday real-life responsibilities, it would be dealing with icky crawling things, and exercising. The only positive moments happen when my joints crack while I'm stretching them in yoga, but that's not at all worth the trouble.
Money management: neutral, but not something I like to discuss because it makes people cocky and smug.
Personal health care: mostly neutral, although phoning up to make appointments is somewhat of a chore just because I don't like making non-social phone calls in general.
Taking out garbage and recycling: very much a chore. I hate doing this.
Keeping up on current events: staying as informed as I, personally, want to be for my own personal needs is quite easy and pleasurable. Staying as informed as I should so that I'm qualified to participate knowledgeably in adult conversations is a bit of a chore, because I have to read articles that I'd normally just skim over. As a whole, this task tends towards pleasurable because I tend to stop when I'm no longer interested.
Commuting: in general I hate it, but I have arranged my life so that it isn't too time consuming and I can read on the way, which makes it lean very very slightly towards pleasurable.
Working: neutral overall. The fact that I have a job that's such a good fit for me is quite positive, but the fact that I have to be in the office and working at given times instead of sleeping or gaming is rather negative.
And, because I'm tired now...
Sleeping: The act of sleeping itself is always pleasurable, especially when I'm permitted all the REM sleep I need and a nice slow wake-up. But lying in bed waiting for sleep to overtake me can be slightly negative.
Quite a lot of angst and strife in my childhood boils down to the fact that for my parents, eating is purely a chore. Something to get out of the way so they can get on with their day. For me it is more important than that - eating exactly the food I want is a source of joy, and being denied the opportunity to eat exactly the food I want is downright depressing. Upon further reflection, I realized that various everyday activities have different levels of importance for different people. So I'm going to write down how I feel about various everyday tasks - pleasurable? a hardship? neutral? - until I get tired and decide to go to sleep.
Eating: highly pleasurable when I can eat exactly what I feel like eating. This doesn't necessarily mean gourmet food, just what my body and my palate want. Not having access to the foods I crave over significant periods of time is very depressing. Being hungry makes me grumpy like a toddler - unfortunately it took me until about the age of 20 to realize this - and can also make me nauseous, which is rather counterproductive.
Drinking (water etc.): always pleasurable. I have a very low thirst tolerance, so a drink of cold water is always refreshing. Slight negative associations with being told to "stay hydrated", but really I'll stay hydrated by myself if left to my own devices with a drinking vessel and a source of cold water.
Going to the bathroom: always a positive experience. I use this time as a perfectly valid excuse for a mental break from whatever I'm doing, and the act of eliminating itself can be quite enjoyable when it is badly needed. This becomes a negative experience when suitable facilities are not available, but that has nothing to do with going to the bathroom itself and everything to do with icky crawly things.
Showering: a pleasurable experience, very relaxing, an excellent place to get thinking done. Negative only when unsuitable facilities are available - see above.
Brushing my teeth: neutral in most cases, a chore when I'm in a hurry or uncomfortable or exhausted
Hair removal: I think it averages out to neutral. The look and feel of having unwanted hair freshly removed is positive, but the actual maintenance work is quite the chore and I have no particular enjoyment of the process. This is such a precarious balance that I put more of a cost-benefit analysis into any decision to change my hair removal routine than most people put into taking out a loan.
Hair care: fraught with issues, but averages out to neutral.
Nail care: pleasurable by association. I've made a ritual of having a glass of wine and reading fanfic or gaming while doing my nails, so it's a perfectly valid one-hour vacation from my everyday duties.
Skin care: neutral, with small bursts of pleasure during particularly effective acne removal
Makeup: as a normal everyday activity, makeup is neutral, but if for whatever reason I don't have access to or am not permitted to apply makeup in a situation where I feel the need to do so, this becomes disproprotionately negative.
Selecting clothing: generally neutral, sometimes positive if I feel particularly pleased with what I get to wear, very occasionally negative if I feel completely displeased with what I have to wear
Shopping: neutral to negative. It's always a chore, but it can be a harmless chore if approached properly.
Laundry: quite the chore, but I have made it slightly positive by excusing myself from several other duties while I'm doing laundry
Dishes: one of my least favourite chores. I make it bearable by doing it in TV commercial breaks or while talking on the phone.
Exercising: a chore, completely negative. Not at all enjoyable. Strong negative associations. If I were permitted to be excused from one everyday real-life responsibility, it would be dealing with icky crawling things; if I were permitted to be excused from two everyday real-life responsibilities, it would be dealing with icky crawling things, and exercising. The only positive moments happen when my joints crack while I'm stretching them in yoga, but that's not at all worth the trouble.
Money management: neutral, but not something I like to discuss because it makes people cocky and smug.
Personal health care: mostly neutral, although phoning up to make appointments is somewhat of a chore just because I don't like making non-social phone calls in general.
Taking out garbage and recycling: very much a chore. I hate doing this.
Keeping up on current events: staying as informed as I, personally, want to be for my own personal needs is quite easy and pleasurable. Staying as informed as I should so that I'm qualified to participate knowledgeably in adult conversations is a bit of a chore, because I have to read articles that I'd normally just skim over. As a whole, this task tends towards pleasurable because I tend to stop when I'm no longer interested.
Commuting: in general I hate it, but I have arranged my life so that it isn't too time consuming and I can read on the way, which makes it lean very very slightly towards pleasurable.
Working: neutral overall. The fact that I have a job that's such a good fit for me is quite positive, but the fact that I have to be in the office and working at given times instead of sleeping or gaming is rather negative.
And, because I'm tired now...
Sleeping: The act of sleeping itself is always pleasurable, especially when I'm permitted all the REM sleep I need and a nice slow wake-up. But lying in bed waiting for sleep to overtake me can be slightly negative.
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