Open Letter to the extremely attractive couple on the subway with the pointy yellow puppy

Dear yellow doggie's humans:

You have the most awesome and adorable puppy in the world. But you can't just let him wander around the subway car on a long loose lead and lie across the aisle. I see that he's harmless and I totally get that interacting with him is a privilege and a joy - seriously, it made my day when he jumped his front paws up on my lap and let me pet him.

But there are people who are afraid of dogs, there are people who are allergic to dogs, there are children who might not know how to behave around dogs, there are blind people who might not be expecting a leash stretched out against the aisle, and there are people who just don't want paws on their lap or a snout up their skirt.

Please, before anything goes wrong, make sure that when you're on the subway you keep him in a sit or down right next to you and on a tight leash so he doesn't wander around. I don't want such a happy and adorable dog to get in trouble.

Sincerely,

Someone who doesn't want to give anyone any reason to prohibit dogs on the TTC

Bottled water

1. Does anyone actually drink a bottle of water and then throw out the bottle? Like systematically on an everyday basis? Everyone I know refills them. Every once in a while you leave it behind or it starts tasting yucky or you start using a new one because you have a cold, but in general you refill it. I always see people at the drinking fountain refilling their water bottles. That Aquafina bottle in my purse? Full of tap water, and I use like six a year.

2. Does anyone actually consider bottled water to be a status symbol? The blamosauruses are all "OMG they're just carrying it around to show off!" (and they say the same thing about cell phones) but I can't imagine anyone actually thinking that a bottle of water that you can get at the shadiest convenience store in your neighbourhood is a status symbol.

3. Now Toronto is talking about banning bottled water. If they want to ban selling it in municipal buildings like they did in London (I think it was?) that's perfectly fine, but they can't ban it from the city. Why? Think back to the 2003 blackout. Did you have running water? People in highrises didn't. The water pumps run on electricity. So people ran around the neighbourhood until they found a corner store that was still open and bought bottled water. I'm worried that if they get overzealous with this ban, we won't be able to buy bottled water at the corner store any more. I'm worried that someone might bring up the fact that it's an emergency provision and they'll attempt to address it by making it possible to buy those big blue cooler bottles at like one Home Depot in Scarborough, which is useless if you're carfree like they're trying to encourage. (It's like how when they talk about banning plastic bags people always say "You can get biodegradable garbage bags at Home Depot," but Home Depot is a half-hour bus ride completely out of my way.) I mean yeah, we're supposed to have 72-hour kits in our homes, but that doesn't mean that people should die of dehydration if they don't manage to get it together.

Dear City of Toronto:

Whatever you do, please do not ban or make it more difficult to acquire bottled water as an emergency provision.

Open Letter to my iPod

Dear iPod:

You contain 3,363 songs. About 20 of these songs are by R.E.M. I did press shuffle. So what's the deal with three R.E.M. songs in a row?

A mission for everyone in Winnipeg tomorrow

If you are or can be in Winnipeg tomorrow (i.e. Sat. Aug. 9), drop everything and clear your schedule. Your mission is now: a) protect the mourners, and b) make life difficult for the nutters.

Open letter to religious people trying to say nice things to atheists

Telling an atheist that you're sure they'll find god soon is a dis. I know it doesn't sound that way to you. I know you think you're saying "This great and wonderful thing that changed my life will happen to you soon!" But to an atheist whose atheism came from careful thought (and I don't know any whose didn't, although I'd imagine it could also be the result of growing up in a household without religion), it sounds like anything from "Soon you'll see that I'm right and you're wrong!" to "Soon you'll come to realize what a wonderful man your abusive ex is and go crawling back to him!" Just...don't say it.

Edited to add the most obvious analogy in human history: religious people, how would you feel if smiling and enthusiastically told you that I'm sure you'll lose your religion soon?

How to get my organs

Dear Government of Ontario:

So you want my organs. Great, I want to give them to you! Here's a law you can pass to make sure that happens:

If you have clear consent from the prospective donor, don't require consent from the next of kin.

I have a health card, driver's licence, donor card and will all indicating that I want my organs donated. I also have some relatives who are kind of irrationally uncomfortable with organ donation and cannot necessarily be trusted to dispassionately carry out my wishes in their time of grief. Depending on the circumstances, these relatives may end up being my next of kin when I die.

Why give them the chance to veto my wishes to the detriment of the greater good? Why put some doctor in the position of having to talk them out of their irrational grief-fuelled preferences in order to carry out my wishes and serve the greater good?

There's going to be a lot of public opposition to presumed consent. I doubt there's be nearly as much public opposition to preventing people from overriding their loved-ones' clearly set out wishes.

Open Letter to "Wanting To Talk It Out in Alexandria"

To the writer of the second letter here:

I'll bet you anything "Elaine" is an introvert. She actually does need to stop and think about how to respond. It isn't passive-aggression. Her thoughts don't come to her immediately as words, and she cannot just talk out her thoughts. She does not have the words - her thoughts do not exist in word form - until she stops and thinks about how to formulate them.

Read The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney for information about how this works and how you, probably being an extrovert who thinks by talking, can coexist with this.

Oops

I somehow managed to completely miss the fact that the terms "baby mama" and "baby daddy" have negative connotations. I recognized that they're casual, but thought they were neutral and have been using them as such because they're convenient.

So apologies to anyone in reference to whom I've used those terms. Please understand that my word choice was coming from ignorance, not malice.

Open Letter to women who are wondering if their boyfriends will ever change their mind and want to have children

Dear R who wrote in to Cary Tennis and lady who wrote into Claudia Dey:

My first thought was to implore you, speaking as a childfree 27-year-old (who was recently a childfree 26-year-old), to take your boyfriends at their word.

However, I quickly realized that if you aren't going to listen to a 27-year-old whom you like well enough to date, you clearly aren't going to listen to a 27-year-old stranger.

So instead, I'll give you a little piste de réflexion. Just think about this, quietly and to yourself, at your leisure, and see what you come up with:

If you were dating a 27/26-year-old man who said he does want children eventually, would you assume that in his youthful folly he doesn't know what he's talking about and may yet change his mind?

Open Letter to Elizabeth Patterson

Dear Elizabeth:

You can't expedite your wedding in the hope that your grandfather will still be alive for it, because there's something more important. Your first priority when setting a date for your wedding needs to be that Françoise is prepared for the major life change of having a stepmother in the household.

Having your grandfather there for your wedding day is nice, but his presence at one important day isn't nearly as important as a smooth transition for Françoise, who is not only the most innocent party in this whole situation, but is also the one person who will be most affected by it.

Open Letter to the strange men in the elevator

Gentlemen:

Let's review our little interaction from my perspective, shall we?

I get in the elevator. There are three people there (you two and the older lady with the awesome shoes) and one button pressed, for one of the lower floors. I press the button for my floor, which is one of the higher floors. The doors close and the elevator proceeds to the lower floor. The lady with the awesome shoes gets off, but you two don't move. The door closes.

So now I'm trapped in the elevator with two strange men who, as far as I can tell, are following me. The only floor that was pressed before I got on had come and gone, and you two didn't give the slightest sign that you cared, or press a button for another floor, or anything. And, come to think of it, you were awfully quick on the door close button after the lady with the awesome shoes got off. And you're also positioned in such a way that I will HAVE to get off first, and there's no way to change this choreography. And I don't even have my phone on me because I just ran down to the mailroom. (In retrospect, perhaps I could have pressed a button for an earlier floor and gotten off sooner, but I didn't think of that at the time.)

So what can I do now? I look at you, so I can give your description to the police if I ever get out of this alive. And I make my look a glare, because I'm certainly not going to give a positive or neutral expression to the two strange men who seem to be following me! I try to emote the most fuck-off vibes I can possibly emote, and I try to discreetly arrange my keys in my hand so my apartment key is right there between my thumb and my forefinger ready to open the apartment door, and all the other keys are in between my fingers to reinforce the first punch I expect to have to throw. (Gift of Fear told me not to do this because apparently it shows the potential attacker that you're scared or something, I forget the exact details, but I have to get the apartment key ready anyway and it's not like I have a lot of options at this point.) Meanwhile, I'm mentally debating whether I should get to my apartment as quickly as possible so I can get a locked door between us and access to a phone and some things I might be able to use as weapons, or whether I should fake going the other way so you don't find out where I live. The doors open on my floor. I decide to go for my apartment. I stride brusquely out of the elevator and down the hall, glad for once to have inherited my parents' fast-walking genes. As I turn to put my key in the door, I glare in your general direction again to see what you're up to, and breathe a sigh of relief when I see you at the door to another apartment on my floor, unlocking it properly with a proper key.

So yeah, in conclusion, the "What a bitch!" that one of you uttered just before your door closed was perhaps less called-for than you thought.

Open Letter to greeting card shops

If, in addition to Father's Day cards for children to give their fathers, you also want to stock Father's Day cards for wives to give their husbands (phrased that way because that's how the cards were phrased), that's perfectly fine with me. I totally get that your business is to convince everyone in the world to buy cards for everyone in the world.

But would you mind terribly moving the wife-to-husband cards futher away from the child-to-father cards, so we don't wander into them by accident? It's really quite skeevy to be looking for a card for your father and suddenly land on something suggestive.

Open Letters to my cosmetics

Dear Jolen: Your bleach is without question the best on the market, but your packaging is very user-unfriendly. Please provide proportionate ratios of cream and powder, a larger and bowl-shaped mixing thing, and a larger spatula that's appropriate for applying arm-sized quantities.

Dear Olay Definity Eye Illuminator: You are a miracle and well worth the higher price. I can never use anything else ever again. However, you are egregiously over-packaged. Seriously, it's ridiculous. Please get reasonable packaging.

Dear Sally Hansen Hard as Nails Xtreme Wear: I think you have the best cost/quality ratio I've ever met. I've been wearing your Indigo nail colour for a week now, and it has only chipped the tiniest most imperceptible amount and still looks completely civilized. Please get some nice subtle professional-looking colours in addition to the fun colours you have now, and I'll wear you every day forever.

Dear Rimmel Vinyl Gloss: I love you, but your container leaks when it gets tipped sideways in my purse. Please fix this.

Dear Rimmel Professional Liquid Eyeliner: You're a very good product and have the best brush ever. How about a waterproof version too?

Open Letter to Riddex Plus

Dear Riddex Plus:

I am more freaked out by household pests than anyone else I've ever met. And yet, I still think your TV commercial is a bit too sensationalist and fear-mongering. Tone it down a bit maybe.

Sincerely,

The person who should be your most likely customer in the world

(Commercial can be seen here. Contains life-like drawings of mice and bugs.)

Open Letter to o.b.

Dear o.b.:

Your Mighty Small tampons are a very good idea. I wish they'd been around back when I was first trying to master the art of the tampon! However, why not make an applicator version too? A lot of the people who are in the market for smaller tampons are going to be the people who aren't used to wearing tampons, and if you aren't used to wearing tampons it's extremely difficult to insert them by hand, because you don't know what a properly inserted tampon feels like. An applicator makes the insertion a no-brainer - you push the tube into the other tube and then the tampon is automatically in the right place. You say on your website that finger insertion is easier because many people's vaginas are curved but applicators are straight, but the flip side of this is that you need to be very familiar with the shape of your vagina to do a proper finger insertion, while your vagina will give a bit against the stiffness of the applicator so you don't have to know exactly where you're going. You also promote the fact that the absence of an applicator means these tampons produce less waste, but if a girl can't get a tampon in properly she's going to wear a pad, which makes even more waste. Besides, they are a medical device, and people accept that medical devices have to produce a certain amount of waste.

The lack of an applicator option is the only thing standing in your way of being the tampon of choice for all new users. Everyone starts their menstrual career with the smallest products available and works their way up as needed, but lots of people struggle with insertion early on and need all the help they can get, which sometimes means an applicator. A "too bad, you should be woman enough to do it by hand" attitude is going to send these customers over to Tampax and Playtex, who are just waiting in the feminine hygiene aisle with nice smooth easy applicators. But if you provide an applicator, these customers will buy your product because it's the smallest available and just as easy to insert as anything else. As you know, brand loyalty is built early. Not providing an applicator version is just poor business sense.

Open Letter to Rogers

Dear Rogers:

If #-####-#### is not a valid account number, please do not print it on the bill next to the words "account number." If you want that 12-digit number instead, please label the 12-digit number "account number" instead of "cable account reference."

Thank you.

Open Letter to China

Dear China:

On behalf of the world, I have a proposal for you. You go have a chat with your friend Burmyanmar and let us help all their people who have been displaced in the cyclone, and then we'll also help you out with your little earthquake problem. Sound good?

Open Letter to the lady on the subway

Dear lady in the red and black skirt and denim jacket, southbound on Yonge just after 6 pm:

Taking your shoes off and then putting your feet up to take up three seats is just not cool, especially not during rush hour when people are standing. Even if your feet are sore, even if you are injured, you just aren't three seats' worth of special. Not during rush hour. If it actually is absolutely strictly necessary to keep your legs horizontal, take a cab or wait until rush hour is over.

By the way, you are very fortunate that my stealth photography skills are not very good, because I did attempt to take a picture of you and fully intended to post it here. Others have since suggested that the stealth wasn't strictly necessary, so maybe next time you will get hollabacked.

OMGWTFTTC???

Dear TTC:

I want to be on your side, really I do. I'm a worker too, solidarity and all that.

But no warning? After you said you'd give warning? Not cool! Especially since people who work on Saturday are more likely to be people who have to be at work on time and have to be at their workplace, unlike office workers who can flex their time or work from home.

Oooh, you know what? I'll be they're doing this to get essential service status! Recent commentators have said that essential services generall get better contracts, and in the long term if something is an essential service, the public is most likely to be okay with them being well-paid.

My letter to Dalton McGuinty and to my MPP

I am writing regarding your recent comments on the possibility of banning plastic bags at the LCBO.

I hope you get the chance to read this before passing any legislation, because you have an opportunity here to do something that will have an even better environmental impact than banning plastic bags: have the LCBO give out biodegradable bags.

As I'm sure you know, plastic bags don't end up in the landfill because people unpack their shopping and throw the bags straight into the garbage. Plastic bags end up in the landfill because people use them as garbage bags.

If you ban plastic bags at the LCBO, that won't change this behaviour. People will still throw out the same amount of garbage, and will still use the plastic bags they have on hand at home as garbage bags. The plastic bags in the landfill won't say LCBO on them, but there will still be just as many.

However, if you make the LCBO use biodegradable bags, then when people reach for a garbage bag, it will be biodegradable. Every time the LCBO gives out a biodegradable bag, that's one less plastic bag in the landfill.

If the LCBO bans plastic bags, then consumers will have to deal with two inconveniences to achieve environmentally optimal behaviour: first they will have to carry a reuseable bag around with them all day if they plan to pick up a bottle of wine on the way home from work, then they will have to seek out and specifically purchase biodegradable garbage bags.

But if the LCBO gives out biodegradable bags, then consumers can achieve environmentally optimal behaviour without any effort whatsoever - just buy your wine, get it bagged as usual, then use the bag as a garbage bag as usual. They would actually have to go out of their way to be less environmentally friendly.

You are, of course, perfectly correct in saying that it is the LCBO's duty as a government agency and as a monopoly to set an example, and using biodegradable bags would be the perfect way to do just that. Furthermore, just as the LCBO uses its massive purchasing power get good wholesale deals and make a wide variety of products available to Ontarians, its sizeable influence could also have a powerful effect on the biodegradable bag market. If the LCBO starts using only biodegradable bags, the economies of scale could make biodegradable bags more affordable for other retailers to use. If the demand created by the LCBO is significant enough as compared with the number of biodegradable bags currently being produced, this meay even lead to the creation of more manufacturing jobs in Ontario.

You have an opportunity to do good on several fronts here. Please don't waste it with a simple and short-sighted ban.