Friday, July 11, 2008

Is there sign language for "I've lost my voice"?

I have a really sore throat and it hurts to talk (and to whisper), so I was trying to get my errands done with as little talking as possible. It occurred to me that everyone in the world should learn the sign language for "Sorry, I've lost my voice." That would make things a lot easier.

Then I started wondering whether there IS sign language for such a thing. After all, people whose first language is Sign would never have to express that concept.

But it's really just a colourless green idea, isn't it? We can use English to express such concepts as "My telepathy isn't working very well today" or "I seem to be having technical difficulties with my time machine." So Sign should be able to express "I've lost my voice."

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Things They Should Invent: sickness meter

This afternoon I hit that place where you feel like you're coming down with something but you're not quite sure what's going to happen. Either it will go away with a good sleep, or I'll have to take a day off tomorrow. I can't tell which.

It would have been convenient if I'd been able to tell work this afternoon that I'll need to take tomorrow off so they could be prepared. But at this point I have no idea (and don't want to tell them I'll be off then wake up fine and use up one of my precious sick days for nothing).

I want to be able to pee on a stick or prick my finger into a test strip or something and have it tell me how sick I am. I don't need a diagnosis of what I'm sick with, just enough to know whether I should stay home from work. The thingy could count your white blood cells or the germs in your blood or whatever and give you a number, then the number would be on a chart corresponding with instructions like "Take tomorrow off" or "Get 12 hours' sleep" or "Make a doctor's appointment now because you'll feel like crap by tomorrow."

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Things They Should Invent: mystery novels with the chapters out of order

The problem with mystery novels is you can basically tell what's going to happen based on how far along in the book you are. You're only a quarter of the way in and the detective has a promising lead? Red herring. There are 30 pages left? The bad guy's going to get caught momentarily. It takes some of the fun out of it.

So what they should do is put the chapters out of order. You start on page 1 and Chapter 1 is right there. Then when you hit the end of Chapter 1, it says "Turn to page 132" and Chapter 2 is on page 132. Then at the end of Chapter 2 it says "Turn to page 47" and Chapter 3 is on page 47. And you keep jumping around the book until you lose track of how many pages you've read and how far along you are. Then when you get to the end of the story, you don't know that it's the end of the story so the surprise is better.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

An incredibly stupid thing I can't stop laughing at

I just keep hitting refresh, I can't stop!

You're doing it wrong!

You know you're a langling when

A beauty product I bought came with an instruction leaflet in about eight languages. Of course, I looked through it looking at all the languages, but I couldn't identify them all offhand. So I got all pissed off at the thing for not indicating what the languages are.

Then I realized, normals don't need to know what all the languages are. The typical user doesn't need to know what all the languages are. They'd just locate the language they can read most easily and read that.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Things They Should Invent: everything sucks

I was googling for reviews and feedback about a business I'm thinking about patronizing. (The word patronizing sounds wrong there, but it means what I mean too and I can't think of a synonym.) I found a lot of positive feedback and no negative feedback. But the problem with googling is confirmation bias. So in an attempt to find negative feedback, I started googling things like "$BusinessName sucks!" and "Don't go to $BusinessName" and "$BusinessName is terrible", but there was nothing with quotation marks and the results were inconclusive without quotation marks.

Until we figure out a reliable method of googling without confirmation bias (which I desperately want to do myself and write the definitive paper on it, but that's not gonna happen) we need to solve this problem on the other end, as bloggers and reviewers.

So whenever you're reviewing something negatively, write "$Subject sucks" somewhere in your review. If it's partly negative and partly positive, write "$Subject sucks somewhat, but not entirely". Please do continue making the actual content of the review calm, rational, specific and informative - not just a rant about how much it sucks - but get the "$Subject sucks" string in there somewhere for easy googleability.

What if submetering is actually worse for the environment?

Conventional wisdom is that submetering in multi-unit residential buildings is better for the environment, because residents have an incentive to save energy when they have to pay their own utilities. The problem, of course, is that there are many factors residents (especially tenants) don't have control over. You can't upgrade your insulation, if you're renting you can't get more efficient appliances, you have no control over the nature of the HVAC system. I even know someone who had to pay utilities even though she didn't have a thermostat in her apartment. It got too hot in the winter so she had to open a window because she couldn't turn down the heat, but she still had to pay for all that extra heat. So I've always thought that apartments should have to pass an energy audit before they can be submetered.

But just now I was reading an article about green upgrades that they can make to whole buildings. This makes me wonder if maybe it would be better for the environment to require the landlord to pay utilities instead of the individual tenants. If the landlord has to pay the utilities, they're more motivated to upgrade major things like insulation and plumbing and HVAC - things that individual residents could never do themselves. They might also be motivated to install more cool European things that let you save energy without any effort whatsoever. I don't have numbers, but just by logic and gut instinct it seems like a lot more energy could be saved by landlord initiatives than by any measures tenants could take in their own little units.

A workable alternative to Revlon Quicksand nailpolish

For everyone who's getting here by googling for Revlong Quicksand nailpolish:

I find that Sally Hansen Hard as Nails Xtreme Wear in Vanilla Bean is a workable alternative. It's just a skinch sheerer than Revlon Quicksand, but two coats does give sufficient coverage (unlike most polishes that colour that are so sheer as to be useless). Plus it's one of the most durable polishes I've ever worn, and you can't beat the price.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

New marching orders for the pro-life movement

Top Secret Memo

To: All Pro-Life Activists
From: Headquarters
Subject: New Marching Orders
Security: Top Secret, Decoy Mode Only

In light of recent findings, we are now implementing an all new, far more insidious and far more effective strategy. You are hereby ordered to suspend all current operations. Repeat, suspend all current operations effective immediately. Henceforth, only the new strategy is to be used.

Our intelligence agents have successfully infiltrated the enemy and found some shocking but extremely useful information. It seems the enemy has convinced the world that certain earthly troubles outweigh the sheer joy and beauty that is the miracle of life. While this is a distressing development, it also provides the perfect opportunity to bring down the enemy for once and for all, when they will least expect it. Therefore, your mission is to infiltrate and befriend the enemy, win their trust, and identify every one of these problems that they use as an excuse to end lives. Then you will drop into stealth mode, and secretly, behind the scenes, permanently resolve these problems - not just for your subject, but for everyone in the world. Essentially, you will be working covertly to call the enemy's bluff.

For example, some enemy operatives use the fact that a child will have to live with certain medical conditions, or would inherit certain medical conditions from the mother, as an excuse to terminate it. In this case, your mission is to get all these medical conditions permanently and globally cured, so the enemy no longer has that excuse. Other enemy operatives use the fact that the parents simply do not want any children as an excuse to kill any children they do conceive. You can stop them in their tracks by facilitating access to surgical sterilization on demand, so they will never be able to conceive any children to kill. Another common excuse is that the child was conceived through rape or incest. In response to this, you will put an end to rape and incest everywhere in the world. Enemy operatives have also been known to use the fact that they cannot afford to care for and feed their children as an excuse for their bloodlust. Your mission is therefore to manipulate labour policy and social safety nets around the world so that everyone will be able to feed, house, clothe, and educate as many children as they can possibly gestate.

In short, identify every one of the enemy's excuses and eliminate those excuse from existence. Then the enemy will have nowhere to hide.

Be warned, as soon as the enemy gets wind of our new strategy, they will likely try to convince you that it has been superseded. Our intelligence suggests that their modus operandi will be to infiltrate some of our overt channels and issue orders that are more in line with our previous methods. Any such orders are null and void. Repeat, any such orders are null and void. These orders can only be voided through decoy channels. You can find the active decoy location at any time by following the same procedure you used to find this one. Any countermanding orders received through overt channels are to be considered enemy propaganda and handled accordingly.

Headquarters is aware that these are demanding and difficult orders and may in some cases go against your every instinct, but we have every confidence in you, our operatives. Never forget, because of your tireless efforts, there are over six billion souls alive on the planet today. The enemy has no defence against this new strategy, so with your hard-earned skills and expertise, we can crush them for once and for all!

Good luck and godspeed.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Puppy puppy puppy!

Puppy!

Proof that I'm old

So according to Stuff White People Like (that impeccable arbiter of my demographic's taste), bangs are cool.

For white people, the haircut-with-bangs is an important symbol that a female has completed her transformation from a nerdy girl to a cool woman. In fact, if you went to high school with a nerdy white girl who moved to a big city, there is a good chance she will show up to your high school reunion with this haircut.


It was just the opposite for me. When I was the nerdy girl in high school, I had bangs. As part of becoming attractive, I grew them out. (Yes, I'm still nerdy, but I'm sufficiently hotter than I was in high school that this cliche should apply.)

So a complete trend reversal has occurred in the fashion-aware portion of my lifetime. That must mean I'm old.

Friday, July 04, 2008

How the Catholic church can get me to respect it

It would be a lot easier to respect the Catholic church if they'd stop trying to influence the politics and behaviour of the whole world, and instead just pay attention to teaching and guiding their own people. Then they'd be a nice quaint religion with strong morals, a lot of history, like Hutterites, but with a kind of cool mystical thing on top, like Kabbalah (before it became trendy). I could respect that. And if someone said that they, personally, can't use birth control because they're Catholic, I could respect that the same way I respect that Muslim and Orthodox Jewish men can't shake hands with me.

But the instant they start getting political, the instant they start trying to influence people who are not willing members of their church, they become The Enemy. If you can't grok this, try thinking about how you'd feel if the Amish suddenly started lobbying for the elimination of the internet, or FLDS was trying to make polygamy and old-fashioned hairdos mandatory for everyone.

Purses

1. Apparently we aren't supposed to buy fake designer purses. Okay, fine, I fully agree in principle. But my problem is I don't pay attention to real designer purses. They're so ridiculously out of my price range that I know absolutely nothing about them, the same way I know absolutely nothing about racehorses or scuba gear or real estate in Dubai. So if I don't know what real designer purses look like, how am I supposed to know if a purse I'm considering buying is a knock-off of a designer purse? Do I have to start paying attention to real designer purses so I can identify the fakes?

2. It seems you can have dinner suspended in the air by a giant crane. Question: but what do you do with your purse? And, come to think of it, what do the people marching in Pride do with their purses (and, when applicable, their clothes?)

Thursday, July 03, 2008

The problem with purity rings

So there are these guys called the Jonas Brothers who are apparently all the rage among Kids Today. And, according to a photo caption in the Globe and Mail today, they all wear purity rings.

Upon skimming over this tidbit of information, a dirty evil little part of my brain - pausing only to glance over at the first few paragraphs of the article to check that they're as old as they look (oldest one is 20, that's fine) - thought, "Oooh, a challenge!"

But I don't even especially like them (I was completely unfamiliar with them until five minutes ago and still have no idea what it is they're famous for), I don't find the 20-year-old any more attractive than any other typical person I encounter in everyday life, and the idea of spending quality time with a virgin is not at all appealing. And yet, in one little corner of my brain, that thought still occurred to me.

So why am I telling you that I had these unsavoury thoughts? Because I daresay it's one of the least creepy possible permutations. There are people who are far creepier than me, who would look at people who are far more vulnerable than a 20-year-old man, and think "Oooh, a challenge!" with far more enthusiasm and single-mindedness than I did.

Why would a parent want to make their kid wear a label for these people?

What is UP with all these bees?

I appreciate a good covered in bees joke as much as anyone, but this is getting ridiculous.

Bees invade the music department of a school. (Paging Mrs. Badcrumble?)

Bees invade a cafe.

Trucks full of bees (aside: There's such thing as trucks full of bees!) overturn in New Brunswick and California.

Someone stole a bunch of bees in Alberta. (A beekeeper who just lost it one day?)

What is going on here? I've heard that bees are sick or dying or have the plague or something - could they be fighting back?

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

They just aren't gonna stop until I'm proud of my country, are they?

I'm not huge on patriotism. Loyalty to an abstract concept because of where my mother happened to be geographically located when she went into labour with me is a bit too arbitrary for my tastes, plus I'm well aware of how dangerous blind patriotism can get (c.f. WWI). So whenever I find myself proud of my country I try very hard to think about it very critically and not let it go to my head.

But Canada seems to be getting the better of me this week. First, we had military marching in Pride. Now logically, I know it's just a recruitment strategy. I know it isn't all happy rainbows like they're making it out to be (c.f. Valerie Valen). And I totally see where Hamilton Pride was coming from not allowing the military and I don't disagree with that decision. But still, I didn't know the Canadian military wasn't don't ask don't tell, and it was cool to see them out and proud in uniform (including one or possibly two people who were there in the time and place when I was afraid to wear an Ally button) - plus all the cops wearing rainbow flare with their uniforms, so I was very pleasantly surprised and impressed that our uniformed authority figures have gotten to that point, even if they aren't perfect yet.

So then I woke up this morning to hear the radio telling me that Dr. Morgentaler is being awarded the Order of Canada! I quite literally jumped out of bed, ran to the computer, googled up confirmation, and fired off a squeeing email to the Governor General's office congratulating them for such an awesome choice. I mean, we all owe him our lives - not just people who are or have been or will be capable of becoming pregnant, but also everyone who has benefited or will benefit from being a planned and wanted child gestated in the womb of a healthy bio-mother. What astounds me about Dr. Morgentaler is he had no particular reason to become an abortion activist. It didn't affect him personally, he was older when he got into it (late 40s, if I remember correctly), no one would have noticed if he hadn't done anything. No one would have said "Hey, you, Mr. middle-aged holocaust-survivor doctor man, why aren't you loudly and publicly performing a controversial medical procedure for which you could be sentenced to life in prison?" If he had just quietly gone about his family practice, no one would have cared. But he stepped up, and now my ova shall never be sentenced the misery of the world, and the world shall never have the misery of my ova unleashed upon it! Then multiply that by everyone, past, present and future!

Actually, the Order of Canada's decision to give the award to Dr. Morgentaler parallel's Dr. Morgentaler's decision to start providing Canada with abortions. I know some people were lobbying for it, but the Order could have easily said "Nope, sorry, we're for nice friendly uncontroversial figures," and most people would have accepted that. But they were brave and bold and stepped up, and because of that I woke up this morning asquee and proud of my country.

And, now that I think about it, the soldiers and police in Pride are the same way too. No one would ever be watching a Gay Pride parade and saying "Hey, wait a minute, why aren't there any soldiers in this parade?" No one would ever look at a uniformed cop, even at Pride, and say "Dude, what is up with the total lack of rainbow flare?" But they were brave and bold, they stepped up and did it, and I came away feeling the sort of capital P Pride that we're supposed to feel from Pride, in my city and my country.

So keep it up Canada, be brave and bold, you've made a cynic proud of you!

Makes me wish I had something brave and bold to do.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Things They Should Invent: Speaker's Corner YouTube channel

Since they're cancelling the Speaker's Corner TV show, they should give it a YouTube channel. You put a loonie or a toonie or whatever in the booth, and they upload your video to YouTube. They could have one of those co-branded channels with whatever benefits that has for everyone, and they'd get more eyeballs because you'd know that your video WILL be posted.

Colbert vs. Cookie Monster



(Yes, this whole post has been edited because I found a better embed)

How much of an expert do you have to be to be an expert?

Broadsheet asks its readers what they're experts in.

But how much of an expert do you have to be to claim to be an expert? Because I know more stuff than most people about quite a number of things, but in all these areas there are people whose expertise exceeds mine by several orders of magnitude and anyone with knowledge of the field would laugh in my face if I claim to be an expert.

I do perfectly decent translations with the occasional flicker of genius (note to clients: I cannot guarantee that one of these flickers of genius will end up in your text) which is all very impressive to non-translators, but within the profession I am unremarkable and to claim to be an expert in translation would be bordering on fraud

I can explain to you how a mistranslation or a misunderstanding happened in any combination of the languages I've studied, but any academic in any of these languages would completely reject anything I might have to say.

If you've never read Harry Potter, I can explain to you anything about the plot or the characters or the rules of the universe, and if you give me 30 seconds on google I can produce multiple citations. But I'm not nearly good enough to work for Leaky.

In fact, in any of my fandoms, I'm a total geek to outsiders and a complete poseur to fen.

People are always asking me to google up stuff for them because apparently I can do it better than them, but librarians would scoff at my measly research skills.

So I may well be able to pass myself off as an expert in translation, or comparative linguistics, or Harry Potter or Monty Python or Star Trek, or internet research, or even things like music theory or music history or make-up or Toronto or Canadian children's television of the 1980s, but I don't dare publicly say I'm an expert in any of these things, because the real experts are lightyears beyond me.