Open letter to the 12-year-old boys playing some game that involves running back and forth across the subway platform

I don't care that you're having fun - more people should have fun in subway stations!
I don't care that you're making noise - it's a subway station, not a library.
I don't care that you're getting in the way - it's a busy station, everyone is in everyone else's way anyway, and I'm happy to deal with a little inconvenience in the name of the enormous amounts of fun you seem to be having.
I don't care that if you make one false move, you'll fall on the tracks and be in a life-threatening situation - your life is yours to risk.

However, I do care that if you fall in the tracks, power will have to be cut, and the whole subway line will grind to a halt, right in the middle of rush hour. This will mean that hundreds of thousands of people, most of whom are tired and hungry, will be late getting home. People who have to pee will be stuck on trains until they can restore power which, if you get hit by a train, they can't do until they've scraped all your guts off the tracks. People with jobs to get to - including important shift work like police and fire fighters and hospital workers - will be late. People with kids in daycare will have to pay the daycare extra to keep their kids later. University students with evening classes will miss very important information about what may be on their exam. People with dinner dates will be late, which may lead to someone being dumped for being late to their lover's special birthday dinner. People who have to get to the bank before it closes won't be able to pay their bills in time, thus accruing interest and hurting their credit rating. People who dropped off the car or their eyeglasses or their hearing aid to be fixed will have to go one more day without this valuable equipment. People who play on sports teams might not make their game, causing their team to lose. People with flights to catch may miss their plane, but have to pay hundreds or thousands of dollars for the plane ticket anyway. People who have to catch the GO may be stuck in the city and have to pay for a hotel. A priest on his way to give last rites to someone on their deathbed may be too late, thus condemning that soul to burn in hell for all eternity. A couple getting married may have to do without their rings, because the person who was brining the rings is stuck on the subway.

Whatever fun you were having wasn't worth the risk of inconveniencing all these people. Take your game somewhere else, where the worst that can happen if you mess up is you die.

Why I love Vulcans

So I'm watching Voyager (Yes, I've been on a Star Trek kick lately. What's the point of being a grownup if you can't enjoy all the Star Trek you want?), and a doppelganger of Ensign Kim is suddenly created out of nowhere, they don't know how. Within about 30 seconds of this information coming to light, Tuvok detects an individual on the sensors and says it's "one of the Ensigns Kim."

Within seconds of being given the remarkable and mind-boggling information that a doppelganger of one of his crewmates has appeared seemingly out of nowhere, Tuvok not only continues performing his duties without missing a step, but also comes up with the correct pluralization of Ensign Kim, without skipping a beat and with complete sangfroid! Damn, there are few things sexier than being completely confident in one's obscure pluralizations during life and death situations!

Aside: When Ensign Kim saw his doppelganger, he looked at his face (which had its eyes closed) and saw right away that it was his doppelganger. That seems a tad unrealistic to me. If you met your doppelganger, would you assume right away that it was your doppelganger? Wouldn't you think instead "Wow, that person looks an awful lot like me?"

Is this really how you give birth?

The newspaper showed a picture of this statue of Britney Spears, apparently in the process of giving birth.

Now, I've never given birth or witnessed a birth, although I did see one on TV once. However, I do know a thing or two about female anatomy, being in possession of a full set of said equipment myself. Now it looks to me that in that position, her birth canal would be pointing upwards. I realize that different people like to give birth in different ways, but wouldn't you want to have the birth canal pointing downwards, or at least horizontally? In that position, in addition to the normal effort involved in pushing a great big baby out a little tiny vagina, you'd have to fight the force of gravity too. I find it very difficult to believe that birthing muscles are strong enough to push the baby out AND fight gravity. Would someone seriously give birth in that position? Any mommies out there who can confirm or deny?

Why proofreaders are important

I am going to type, letter for letter, the text of the ad for The Rick Mercer Report that appears on page A4 of today's Globe and Mail. Unfortunately I do not have a scanner, but rest assured that I am going to make absolutely certain my typing is accurate before I post this:

This week,

Rick visit's the University of Guelplh's Veterinary College

It was just a hairball. He's okay now.

The Rick Mercer Report
Tonight at 8/8:30 NT

I am very, very surprised to see a major typo and a misplaced apostrophe, both in the same ad, get past both the CBC ad-copy-checker-people AND the Globe and Mail people.

Best facial expression ever!

I've been trying for the past five minutes to make my face do this. I don't think my face bends that way.

Random thought

An article about the rescued Christian Peacemaker hostages mentioned that a) during the time they were kidnapped, they had little to know information about world events, and b) they got a phone call from Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

It occurred to me that, depending on their politics, the conversation might have gone something like this:

Harper: "Hello, this is Prime Minister Stephen Harper..."
Hostage: "YOU'RE PRIME MINISTER? Oh shit!"

Pet peeve of the moment: gratuitous PDFing

It is perfectly reasonable to make a PDF when it is essential that you preserve the physical appearance of the document, like if it's a form to be filled out and mailed in, or sheet music, or camera-ready copy, or a situation where the arrangement of elements on a page is absolutely essential.

But it is absolutely ridiculous to make a PDF when you're just posting textual information on your website for average website readers to peruse. A PDF you have to download and wait for it to open, and if you have a particularly fussy computer that might affect your multitasking, and the search function isn't nearly as user-friendly as the web browser search function. This is especially annoying if you don't know if the PDF will contain the information you're looking for, and have to wait for it to load and use the unfriendly search function only to find that you didn't need it after all. PDF format simply does nothing to make things easier for the user, but can contribute greatly to making things more annoying for the user.

So if you're posting information that can be expressed in plain and simple text, and there's no usability reason why page layout is important, just post it as part of your HTML document. If you really feel it's necessary to have a PDF available, you can post a link to the PDF on the HTML page. But don't just post a PDF instead of an HTML document. It's really not helping anyone.

Weird dream

Last night I dreamed I was on a group tour in Poland. I stopped in a store to buy a book about North American aboriginal people (I don't know why I would buy a book like that in Poland of all places), but the bookstore lady (who looked very much like the lady who runs Artus Books on Ronce)refused to sell it to me unless I could tell her the Polish word for aboriginal. I didn't know, so I said "autochtone" (the French word) because I thought it might be similar to the Polish (I don't know if it is IRL). But that turned out to be incorrect, so she wouldn't sell me the book.

How to get an abortion in South Dakota

They are setting up an abortion clinic on the Pine Ridge Sioux Reservation.

Here's how to make a donation

This has been a public service announcement.

Silly plot holes

I'm watching a particularly stupid episode of Voyager, where they're all trapped in a Holodeck simulation of WWII France. Anyway, in this simulation, a troop of Nazis captured a bunch of French Resistance people and ordered them at gunpoint to line up against a wall so they could be executed. The Resistance people complied. (Then a bunch of Klingons came in and disrupted the whole thing so they didn't get executed, but anyway).

So you are ordered at gunpoint to get up against the wall so they could shoot you. Why would you comply? Why wouldn't you try to run away? What are they going to do, shoot you?

I don't think I'm in for a good day today

I have long, oily hair. This means that while the ends of my hair can occasionally do with a bit of conditioner to help detangle them, the scalp needs no conditioner whatsoever. In fact, it could probably do with a dessicant.

Unfortunately, this morning I unthinkingly put conditioner on my scalp. This can't be a good day.

Birth order science by mutual commiseration

I've been asking around in my social circle, and have come to a scientific hypothesis, backed by empirical anecdotal evidence.

In two-child families where the children are the same gender and the age difference is 2-3 years, when the younger sibling gets their first grown-up job, i.e. their first job in the field in which they ultimately aspire to work, they begin talking to their older sibling as though the older sibling is an ignorant, misbehaving child and the younger sibling is the only person in the whole entire world who is aware of How The World Works and How Things Are Done. This behaviour seems to occur regardless of the older sibling's life situation.

I'm hoping to gather more evidence about how this works in mixed-gender families and families with more than two children.

Things They Should Invent: Don't feel thankful!

I don't think we should feel thankful for things that we consider basic human rights or basic elements of our standard of living. I think we should feel self-righteously entitled to them. Why? Because if we feel thankful for something, it seems less unreasonable if it's taken away. If we feel entitled, we generate an appropriate amount of outraged.

For example, I'm thankful that I have high-speed internet access, because I remember the days of dialup and even the days before the internet. Because of this, if suddenly I couldn't have high-speed internet, I would feel like I'm obligated to suck it up and make do. It would be difficult for me, but I'd feel like I don't have the right to complain, because I remember well life without high-speed internet, so it still strikes me as a luxury.

Now obviously it would be totally inappropriate to have that "suck it up and make do" attitude when it comes to basic human rights, or basic standard of living, so let's not be thankful! Let's feel entitled!

So I don't feel thankful that I have enough to eat; I feel entitled to having enough to eat, so I feel outraged that other people don't have enough to eat!

I don't feel thankful that I have freedom of speech; I feel entitled to freedom of speech, so I feel outraged that other people don't have freedom of speech!

I don't feel thankful that there are no bugs in my apartment; I feel entitled to a bug-free apartment, so I feel outraged that other people have to have bugs in their homes!

So don't feel thankful, feel entitled! Bring on a better world through judicious entitlement!

Things they DID invent!

I've always said someone needs to invent a way to search for a song you have in your head, especially when you don't know the lyrics.

Well, they did! I've been doing some experiments, and it seems to work with about 75% accuracy.

It's just clothing!

A pet peeve of mine is when people assume that Western Muslim women are oppressed when they choose to wear a chador, hijab, or burqa. Yes, in some places, particularly theocracies, these garments can be a symbol of oppression. However, it is patronizing and dehumanizing to assume that just because someone chooses to cover more of their body than average, they are automatically being oppressed and therefore need to be liberated from it.

Sometimes if you grow up with a certain standard of modesty, you just aren't comfortable walking around dressed less modestly. For example, about 10 years ago, it became legal in Ontario for women to go topless. However, most women continue to wear tops at all times. That isn't because we are oppressed, but rather because we simply prefer to keep that part of our bodies covered. With my shirt on, I am comfortable. With my shirt off in public, I would feel uncomfortable, over-exposed, unsupported, and humiliated. I feel my breasts are something to which I'd rather control access, and would strongly feel that my basic human dignity was being violated if I were forced to expose them. Perhaps this does have cultural origins, but that does not negate the fact that I prefer to have, at minimum, a bra and a shirt covering the top half of my body at all times. It doesn't hinder my ability to live my day to day life, it doesn't oppress me, it makes me more comfortable and more confident in facing the world than if it wasn't there.

Similarly, a woman who has grown up her whole life wearing a chador or a hijab or a burqa simply might feel over-exposed if she had to go without one. She might feel that her hair, for example, is something to which she'd rather control access, and she feels her human dignity is being violated if she's forced to expose it against her will. Maybe she prefers to just put on a hijab rather than have to spend the time and effort grooming her hair to a standard at which she'd be comfortable exposing it to the public.

Our duty as a society is to let people know what freedoms are available to them, have resources available to help them if they're being oppressed, and make sure they are aware that they don't have to be oppressed. It is not our place to go around telling people that they are being oppressed instead of letting them decide for themselves. No good can come of pressuring or forcing people to go out in public with more of their body exposed than they are comfortable with, regardless of the reason why they are not comfortable exposing certain parts of their body.

This isn't a frat party. This isn't middle school. We should simply operate under the assumption that everyone has a good reason for wearing what they're wearing rather than patronize grown adults by telling them that they didn't know what they were doing when they picked dressed themselves this morning.

Anyone out there know US military uniform regulations?

Whenever US military people are on TV game shows, they wear their uniform. Are they required to do this, or are they just doing it by choice?

Backbench

Has anyone noticed that the comic Backbench in the Globe and Mail has been really funny looking this week? I can't tell what the artist is trying to do (or if it's a printing mistake) and the internet won't tell me.

Even Miss Manners approves of not answering your phone!

Yesterday's Cary Tennis column generated huge numbers of comments. Basically, the letter-writer's friend asked if he could come over to her place because he had a power outage in the middle of a blizzard, and she said no because she had her boyfriend over. Mitigating circumstances on both sides - read the column and the comments if you want the whole complex issue.

Now I can see both sides of the argument. I can totally see wanting to go to someone else's place if I had a power outage, and I can totally see want my friend to go elsewhere when I'm having alone time with my boyfriend.

But one very important thing wasn't mentioned in all the 181 (jusqu'à maintenant) comments on the article: why did she answer her phone if she doesn't want to be disturbed?

Am I the only one who has thought of this?

It's a perfectly acceptable practice - even Miss Manners advocates it - and that's precisely what voicemail is for! "But what if it's an emergency?" Then you should be prepared to respond to the emergency. If you aren't prepared to respond to whatever emergency is on the other end of the phone, then don't answer it. Let it go to voicemail. If you really want, you can screen immediately afterwards to see what the problem was and then decide to address it. But if you pick up your phone when you don't want to be disturbed during a weather emergency, it is perfectly reasonable for the person on the other end to expect you to be able to respond to whatever emergency they're having. It's that simple.

Bitter Fruit by Achmat Dangor

This book was very difficult for me to read or enjoy because it was full of what I can best describe as unhappy sex. Woven throughout the story are episodes of rape, inappropriate pairings, infidelity, borderline coercion, and borderline incest. Some of these are essential to the plot and others do help move it along, but they prevented me from enjoying or appreciating the parts of the book that did not involve unhappy sex because I was just too put off. The only reason I finished the book was because of my principle of finishing every book I start unless it gives me panic attacks.

Don't read this book unless you enjoy reading about unhappy sex. And if you do enjoy reading about unhappy sex, please stop reading my blog and go elsewhere, because you creep me out!