I am a 65-year-old gay man who teaches adults English as a second language. Many topics besides grammar come up in a three-hour class, and it’s not uncommon for a student to ask if I’m married and then ask the follow-up “why not?” Is it appropriate to answer at all? To tell my students that I’m gay and that I’m not married “because it’s not legal in this state?”
The gentleman who wrote this letter is a rare situation where he actually has a simple, straightforward answer to the question "Why aren't you married?" He might be hesitant to share the reason, but there is one single, simple, straightforward reason.
However, this is very rarely the case. As we all know, to get married you have to have met a suitable mate under mutually suitable circumstances. If you're not married, it's because this convergence hasn't occurred. There aren't always reasons for the convergence not having occurred, and when there are they're often very complex, very personal, sometimes include very personal information about third parties, and not really appropriate for friendly social small talk. In general, in the rare cases where there is a reason for the convergence not having occurred, anyone in whom it is appropriate to confide the resulting personal drama is already close enough that they already know the personal drama.
So what I'm wondering: what kind of answer are people expecting when they ask people why they aren't married? Because I can't imagine any possible response from which any good could come.
5 comments:
i think usually it is asked by people who are not used to getting this question themselves (ie. married folks), and who mean it as a sort of rephrasing of the sentiment, "you're not married? but you seem like a perfectly desirable and normal person to me! there are no obvious reasons i can detect why you would have trouble finding someone to marry you!" which, to those of us who are unmarried, is an annoying attitude for lots of reasons. i think a lot of people who ask that question haven't thought through at all what it's like to reply to it, and maybe they don't even expect a reply.
that doesn't mean anyone has a duty to be polite in their response!
That's a good answr from m. Having heard the question so many times in "why don't you have kids" form, I will add that it's generally people who can't see beyond their own life choices (or lack thereof), people on very conventional life paths that have very little imaginations.
^who^ have very ^limited^ imaginations
Why don't you have kids is actually somewhat more likely to have an actual reason. There's "Because I don't want to" and "Because I can't" and "Because we're waiting to pay off our student loans first." Not all of this is suitable for random small-talk, but there are reasons. But why aren't you married most often doesn't have a specific reason. It's like "Why don't you have a net worth of over $X?"
Yeah, that's probably true. I think that "Because I've never met the right person" may be the rough equivalent of "Because I don't want to [have kids]," each being an overly simple answer to a complex question. But I think in general I agree.
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